Hear Ye, Hear Ye: All who stumble upon this update. Or is it "Xtra Xtra! Read all about it!"? Whatever. However you came to be on this update, let it be known the HRL is not dead. The HRL is not gone. No, sorry PWL or WSEM, you do not have the best wiffle ball league in the world. You may be younger than us, perhaps. You might even be faster or better looking than us. But... alas... you do not have the best wiffle ball league in the world. Despite Truck stepping down and out, and all of the changes, the HRL: Twin Cities still holds the title of the best damn wiffle ball league in the world!
This post is to serve to update everyone in the HRL and general public on the updates in the league's leadership as well as every team's moves as we begin the early stages for the 2015 season. As teams update their rosters and announcement player movements (not the #2 kind) I'll keep this post updated as fast as I can.
LEAGUE LEADERSHIP
In case you have been living under a rock for the past several months, it is with a heavy heart that I notify you that Truck has stepped down as the commissioner. Everyone who is anyone in the wiffle ball community knows and loves Truck. This came as a shock to many of us, and not something we took easily. However, there were people willing to step forward to replace the gigantic shoes that Truck left behind. Without, further ado here is the new HRL leadership as well as free agency moves:
HRL: TWIN CITIES LEADERSHIP
Commisioner: Eric "H8R" Ganales
Chief Operating Officier: Wade "Web Gem" Cooper
Hopkins City President: Andrew "K-Mart" Gillund
Eagan City President: Zach "Dr. Seuss" Eustis
Executive VP, League Relations and Marketing: Nathan "Vlade" Hill
Commisoner's Consultant: Nick "Sanchez" Consoer
TEAM MOVES/FREE AGENCY CHANGES
eXpos: From the desk of Mad Man
"Dearest HRL,
With heavy hearts, the legendary, historic, and dominating eXpos organization is announcing the retirement of the franchise. Management has decided that the team will disband based on multiple retirements and other circumstances. The organization requests that the eXpos name and likeness (including “The X”) be no longer available for use in the HRL at this time.
This decision was a very difficult one for the organization. But based on the franchise’s propensity for intensity, it was decided that for our players’ safety and future, the team will retire prior to the 2015 HRL season. Essentially, all the bumps (from crashing into the boards), bruises (of egos), pulled hammys (from legging out infield singles), raspberries (from sliding), sore rotator cuffs (from bat tosses) and sore testicles (from playing against the Phillies) have had a cumulative effect and the organization feels that the team members have given enough to this proud franchise. An anonymous member of the eXpos eXecutive board wanted to issue the following statement:
“These guys have given their all, 110% day in and day out, in season and off season. We just can’t ask these guys to do it anymore. They have left their imprint on this league and took a good run at it, but alas every amazing story must come to an end.”
From multiple division titles, multiple second place finishes in the Eagan division (fuckin’ Commies!) and, most proudly,multiple fun star appearances, this franchise has accomplished more than those Ski’s ever could have imagined that fateful day when joining the league in the inaugural season. Shamefully, there were a few all-star appearances as well.
Items of business to be resolved/noted:
- The Canadian Cup (although not technically property of the Blue Jays), can remain in their possession. The X would allow this “competitive” piece of “hardware” to be leveraged for another HRL tradition, pending prior approval by the eXpos eXecutive board.
- The Fish DiX trophy will be retired, in possession of the eXpos franchise, this is not open for negotiations, as the Marlins have never possessed said trophy.
- The Taint Bar will be available for special events and parties for a minimal rental fee, pending approval from T-Bag and Molgs.
The X would like to thank all the members of the HRL. Especially those that make the league run, the eXecutive members of the HRL, the planning committees, and the rest of the league brass. Truck, we love you, there are no words to eXpress our gratitude and love. There are many others we could single out for recognition, but inevitably we would miss someone. Suffice it say, we have been the beneficiaries of others’ hard, thankless work for upwards of 11 years now. For that, we are eternally grateful. You know who you are, and your efforts, however small, have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated by the X.
We would like to specially recognize a couple of our own: M-Ski and J-Ski. Without these two, there would be no X. It’s amazing to think that this once-in-a-lifetime organization flourished on the backs of one guy (M-Ski) who, in nearly X years in the league, never once remembered his turn at the plate, and another (J-Ski) who can barely see (partially due to his horrible eyesight and partially due to his perpetual BAC in eXcess of .20). The HRL, its members, and its hallowed grounds have generated literally hundreds of memories, which the X will carry with it fondly. We won’t even try within the confines of this letter to recount all of the stories, anecdotes, etc.. In addition to the many memories, the X will take with it countless friendships that otherwise would not be, immeasurable wisdom, some awful habits, the undeniable humor and good will of the people that make this league so great, and the grand spirit of the HRL best summarized in one word: FUN.
And so again we offer up a sincere and heartfelt THANK YOU.
God Bless the HRL and let us not forget…..the X.
Sincerely,
M-Ski, J-ski, CX, Super K, Dr. Xesus, ezXe, Madman, Monsoonski, Hartski, Ace, Wooger
“May the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, and may your beer belly block half the strike zone."
Superbas: Need 1-2 this year. All inquiries to be directed to Dream on the message board. - Dream
Yankees: Looking to fill 1 spot. They've signed a few players but additional changes are TBA. - Rocket
White Sox: Two Bat has resigned as team manager and left the team to free agency. The SeX are looking to fill 2-3 roster spots. Inquiries should be directed to Pork-Buoy on the message boards. It should be noted that there is heavy interest in joining the SeX and the sooner you apply, the better your chances of joining. - Pork-Buoy, Manager
Blue Jays: Can confirm: The Blue Jays don't need shit. - Eddie Bauer
Phillies: Before you sign a cut rate contract with some flawed organization, consider the fact that the Padillies will have 2-3 openings for next year. Captainship is now up in the air. JC's work situation is not allowing him to take over full time. As of now, I am still at the helm of the SS Padilliecutter. - Shirls
Twins: Our esteemed franchise will have 2-3 roster spots available for 2015. Team needs include a batting average above body weight and the ability to play defense more proficiently than Nelson and Hendi. The bar has been set pretty high. Inquire within. - K-Mart
Reds: I have no idea what's going on in 2015 with the team I played with last year. During the playoffs however one of us did hit Comissioner H8R in the balls. So, there's that.... - Hard Ball*
Senators: The Senators have folded and will not be playing in 2015. Naming rights shall be retained by Aqua Man (or Billy, as some of you know him). The Senators are a club who, along with the Nationals, split into two groups out of the World Champion Orioles. So long fellas, you will certainly be missed.
Braves: Sanchez has passed the manager's torch along to DJ. They will be returning in full (minus... Dave?) and looking to add 1 more player.
Pilots: TBA
Cardinals: TBA
Mets: One of the best known HRL franchies, the Mets, as far as I know have folded. Stay tuned for more updates.
Marlins: TBA
Dodgers: As far as the writer's knoweldge is concerned, the Dodgers have been contracted. This is an unofficial statement, however.
Pirates: TBA
Giants: TBA
Rays: Contracted (see: Devil Rays).
Nationals: Per Wiffleadam Schefter, the Nationals shall be returning with their line-up from 2014 with perhaps an addition or two. Stay tuned for updates.
Angels: Plan to drink copious amounts of beer and will announce further announcements in forthcoming announcements.
Stay tuned for the blisteringly fast paced changes sure to be seen in the coming days as teams make their shakes and moves to acquire the latest HRL talent heading into the (pre)-preseason for 2015.