Since I’m tasked with writing this article, I’m going to write about what I, and consequently everyone else, should care about:  The Bad Boys of the HRL (routinely referred to as the White SEX).  First off, Sex Brass made big changes this off season and dumped scrubs Two Bat, Thor, and Fukudome.  These guys just weren’t pulling their weight on the field, and more importantly, in the drinking department.  No matter what you heard, Skipper Pork Buoy decided to send these guys packing as soon as we’d been eliminated in the playoffs. 

Immediately after cutting the dead weight, Pork started his master plan and recruited Huck Finn and Mippey5 from the Rays.  The joke was on Smallpox, and having lost his best players, he ultimately had to fold his franchise and join the team formerly known as the Gothams.   LOL PWND!!!!!!!!!!  The Sex also picked up Commissioner H8R’ers “special friend” Jim “Pinky” Whoknowswhathislastnameis.  New Sex (always the best sex amirite??) started this year off with a BANG.   All three new guys hit at least two homeruns on our opening night as we split with the Braves, including Pinky’s first at bat, first pitch HR.

Also new is that Pork Buoy is getting married in the fall.  I’m not going to steal his thunder, because in some future installment I’m sure he’ll go into great detail about the day he’s been planning since he was a little girl.

For the second straight year (2013 and 2014) Pork Buoy also won the Benny Heyda Award for Excellence in Muskie Fishing.  Pork and his winning fish from both years are pictured here on lovely Golden Lake in Circle Pines. 

2013

2014

Here is a short video of what happens when Pork Buoy chokes with a big fish on the line. 

Finally, and most importantly, the Sex welcomed Emma “Spazette” Heyda in December.

Emma upon learning who fathered her (probably)

Emma upon learning Two Bat is hitting .143

This last season was the 11^th offseason and for the 11^th straight we argued about the same damn thing.   No, not our Commissioner’s sexuality (but that was a good guess), but PITCH SPEED.  Yours truly did the dirty work by taking a valiant stand for the right decision.  By using the brilliant tactics of reason followed up by insults, I single-handedly prevented a devastating change.  Economists estimate that this change could have driven fan attendance of all-star night or playoff games into negative territory as fans have repeatedly screamed for years that “1-0, 13 inning games are BORING!!!”

Last week’s rain delay provided much lulz between Two-Bat and K-Mart.  Rumor has it Kmart, who every week is desperate to think up an excuse to avoid playing wiffleball, stomped around in a puddle and provided Hopkins dry cleaners with much needed business while Two-Bat’s rage may be on video somewhere.

A certain unnamed HRL player decided not to pay their tab at Bunny’s last Thursday night.   Police reports and eyewitnesses suggest he is 6’3” 245 ripped bodybuilder with a Ginger complexion.  This type of behavior reflects poorly on the league and we’d prefer it didn’t happen again.  Please reach out to Vlade if you have any information that could help bring this jerk to justice.

Finally, for your Spank Bank:  A picture of the sexiest man in Wiffleball in his posing trunks.