posted on June 13, 2015 15:29
Reasons to come tomorrow for the HRL hosted regional:
1). After a night of boozing, TwoBat will probably have some of the loudest gas you'll ever get a chance of encountering. Ridiculing him is always a fun time when he has trouble hitting the board at 87 mph, especially when he needs an Advil. He is also one of the best hitters from this distance. Probably the only one that can rival Smallpox in overall success at the dish.
2). Handsome Mat is back in town this weekend. Might be the last time you see him before the playoffs or Wifflepalooza (if the Kards get their way). He also pitches better with new balls than with used ones and he is allowed to really let it fly on the mound. He can throw much harder than most people realize.
3). This is the one place you don't have to be worried about Beardface (either of them) on the mound. Neither are overpowering on the hill and have been known to struggle with their control even though it's only an extra few feet. The meltdown that follows is sure to be entertaining as neither one have experienced many issues pitching in the HRL. The effort given by Beardy is also stuff of legends. Your sure to see some slides and dives in the field and on the bases.
4). Vlade is in charge. He makes the lineups, decides who's pitching, where everyone is playing in the field, and is sure to be a grouchy prick. Making sure to jab at him if things aren't going properly will be something no HRL player should miss. When things are going well, he should get none of the credit. It's the players who make it all happen after all.
5). Dr. Seuss is starting at 8:30 AM on Sunday. He is just as filthy with new balls from 47 feet as he is during HRL games. He's a good friend of mine but I will be keeping my distance tonight. No need in getting blamed if he gets too drunk and is either too hungover to play well, or even show up. (See last years Superbas team in Wifflepalooza.) Someone singlehandedly shattered their hopes and Dream (get it?) of making the playoffs.
6). Smallpox is a beast. With the extra time he has at the plate and the incredible velocity that comes out of his left arm, he may be the most entertaining player in the nation. He's the dark horse of this team. He (more than anyone else) can put this team on his (shirtless) back and carry it to victory. He called his shot last year in Ohio after saying to me, "If this douche starts me off with that shit again, I'm hitting it 130 feet". First pitch, sure enough. BOOM! Looks over at me, flips the bat and trots around the bases. It's also fun to watch the mood swings. Being a young kid he gets extremely mad for minutes at a time and then shrugs it off and bounces back like nothing happened. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of thing.
7). Web Gem's debut on the national scene. He's sure to make a splash as he may be the best all around player this team has. Having him let loose on the mound will be a treat to watch. Plus, if he's not so good he'll blame H8R, and I'll never tire of seeing a couple former Gothams being frustrated at each other. Also, for those of you who haven't seen him of late, he shaved his beard. I have one less HRL player to compete with for best facial hair display.
8). H8R. Erik. Who will show up? Erik, the commissioner of the HRL? The almost quiet, not so sure of himself person that we've come to be frustrated with for his lack of decision making ability. Then once he makes the decision, doesn't stand by it fully. He has Web Gem do all the work and since there isn't really any credit to be given, he's stuck wondering where his kudos are. Or will H8R show up? The rude, crude, cigarette smoking, energy drink guzzling loudmouth who nearly everyone has fantasized about tar and feathering. I'm just hoping he doesn't come because he forgets what time the event is or which day it's even happening. Whichever character decides to shows up will bring a few good attributes to the Lady Slippers. He's patient at the plate, fast on the bases and has the ability to hit the long ball. He can also bring crowds to their knees with some much needed comic relief. He's a real asset to this squad.
There you have it. Eight solid reasons to come out to a rainy, chilly, windy Eagan ice rink converted to a wiffle ball field.
One reason to come tonight for the event at Fitz's.
First drink to any HRL player, is on me.
Thank you.
Hardball