Fedora Guys

Fedora guys. I wish I could be there when a young person decides to wear a fedora. I wish I could be in the room, in their head and generally present when each and every person decides to try on a fedora for the first time. For most it does not stick. The hat comes off. Typically when someone looks in the mirror after putting on a fedora for the first time, they make the proper decision to take that hat off right away. My dad had a couple that I took when he died. They smell like him so I kind of wanted them. He wore them occasionally. He knew not to make it a total thing. But he wore them with his old suits sometimes. They were wool and very uncomfortable. I took them to remember him - not to use. I did try them on. Looked in a mirror. Realized it was not good.

But not everyone does. Not everyone takes off the hat. Some of them keep it on. Some are the awkward teens groping for an identity. Others are out there in their first jobs. Bohemian perhaps. Whatever that actually means. I have never been sure. One thing is for sure - they have been told how super fucking special they are from a young age. They want to stand out at their jobs and not do a thing. Notable Fedora wearers are Michael Jackson, Barney Stinson and Freddy Kruger. Creepers one and all. Johnny Depp’s doesn’t count. It is too big. To fit into this rant it has to be a small hat. If the brim is too big it starts to just morph into the area of Margaritaville glazed booze hounds or people who are in the sun all day with tired leathery skin. Those people are exempt from this analysis. They need their hats. Those are hats.

Bow tie people are different. It seems more permanent. More true to the soul. It is like they hate regular ties. Like they want choices in life. They are confined by the rest of our shit. There aren’t enough tie designs to assuage their restlessness. They don’t have the heft to wear a bolo. So they go for the bow tie.I respect that. Sure they are likely trying to seem smarter than they are. Some may be messy eaters. Very few are fat. The bow tie exposes the shirt and with it the belly.

Current fedora wearers aren’t like this. It is like they are trying to find something unique but just ended up with Fedoras. They don’t wear suits every day so they can’t commit to bow ties. They have even less heft than bow tie types so they likewise don’t range into Bolo territory. Speaking of which - if you wear a suit and use a fedora it starts to be okay. Like a pocket kerchief, it is more of an accessory. But when you are wearing skinny jeans and wearing a fedora you are desperately trying to be something you are not. None of them at their core are Fedora wearers. People who wear fedoras fucking LOVE Halloween I bet. They plan Halloween for MONTHS. They cannot wait. Maybe monocles are next for them. Notable bow tie people include Ken Rosenthal, the late Sen Paul Simon of Illinois. Pee Wee Herman, Bill Nye, George Will, Tucker Carlson, Alton Brown, Indiana Jones and Mr. Hooper. Indiana Jones owned that shit (and no - his hat is not a fucking fedora). Pee Wee Herman gives me the creeps. Mr. Hooper is a rock. Like pie. A constant in all of our lives. Mr. Hooper is something common to rich and poor kids. Those things are few and far between so he is a beast that demands our respect. Richard Sherman can show you how to tie a bow tie on youtube. To the Fedora wearers - just be yourself. You are weird enough already.