wole posted on June 24, 2019 17:28
By Nightmare (and the interwebs)—
So, this week’s rankings are coming out late… my bad. I apologize to all of you who probably read this article during your late-Monday morning poos. I assume that’s when people read these… That’s when I’d read this article anyways… something about keeping all my crap in one place… I don’t know, I'm tired from a long day of traveling.
As for a theme this week, I found myself reading an article earlier that ranked all the most trending things from the internet so far this year. I removed anything political, because common sense. Also, I think I annoy enough people already without introducing my political perspective.
So, without further delay, he are the 22 most trending things of 2019 (according to some random website, and minus anything I deemed too political) and their associated HRL teams…
- Avengers: Endgame. Wow, I think it is fitting that the Rays are the Endgame. Comic book movies and the Rays are two things I don't think anyone wants, or cares, to hear me talk about anymore…
- The First Picture of a Black Hole. I'm not saying the Dodgers are a black hole… I could. But I'm not. What I will say though is like the pictures of the black hole, the Dodgers may not look like much, but they are truly a force to be reckoned with. What Psych is doing at the plate is insane. And both he and Epstein are pitching pretty lights out.
- Lil Nas X's Old Town Road. If there is one thing I get too much of this year, it's Old Town Road. My child forces me to listen to it every time he gets in the car. Every. Time. Usually multiple times. I don’t get it. Something else I don’t get, but could never get enough of? JC and the Mets. My only question, is where’s Hondo?
- Notre Dame Cathedral Fire. Why does this make me think of a dumpster fire? And the Americans? I blame my new favorite thing about Hopkins: Dr. Dipsh**.
- Game of Thrones Season/Series Finale. I guess people were upset with the ending of Game of Thrones. I finally saw the final season and I thought it was great. My favorite thing about the final season were all the callbacks to earlier seasons. Kind of like me calling back to the preseason when I said the Yankees were divisive and people either loved or hated them. I loved them then, I love them still. Well, they’re number 5… is “love” too strong a word?
- thank u, next. Have you heard this? I'll admit, I hadn't heard it until I was researching for this article (yes, I do research)... I was really hoping it would be awful so I could use this as a chance to trash the RubberDucks playlist… but I don’t think it's that awful. So instead, I'll just say, "Thank You" to the Ducks for their web content. Next...
- Keanu Reeves’ Rennessaince. Back in the pre-season, a wise man predicted the Braves would bounce back from a sub-par 2018 to crush fools this season… Much like Keanu, the Braves are flying high again, and no one is more pleased than the guy who predicted it two months ago (I mean, aside from the guys on the team). #ChopWatch 375HR, 970RBI. Also, something something Vlade sucks something something barbeque.
- Bird Box. I think the Marlins should participate in a Bird Box challenge. They should all show up blindfolded and guess which of their other teammates showed up… if any… because that's pretty much how they (we) roll.
- Grounding Boeing 737 Airplanes. Wow. This is a bummer. Not a bummer, the Kardinals rescheduling with the Fish without a set make-up date.
- Detective Pikachu. I can't believe this made the list. WTF is a Detective Pikachu? Another mystery: why are the Reds ranked #10 this week? Why the fall? Well, I can't tell you what a Detective Pikachu is, but I can tell you that any team that refuses a reschedule with the Fish gets ranked below a team that does...*
- Captain Marvel. Already touched on the lady hero once this season, that's plenty. The RoughRiders have been tough to predict, so I won't... Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.
- The College Admissions Bribery Scandal. Seeing as most of this team is yet to go to college, the Athletics could learn a thing or two from the scandal. First, if you're going to cheat, don't get caught…
- Jussie Smollet. I've been pretty pro-Pirates this season, but I'm pretty sure that if I get down on them, T-Mac and the Rats will stage an attack on themselves (probably in Hopkins… because crime there) to garner some sympathy from me and the league… It’ll work, until Ulysses comes clean leaks the truth… I don’t know what it is about him, but he seems like a truly trustworthy dude.
- Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. The Giants… Bradley Cooper... obviously no connection there… Lady Gaga… chemistry… maybe… Mippey, a little help?!
- Mute R. Kelly. So, the deal is we just don't talk about R. Kelly anymore… I think we should do the same with the Twins…
- Archie Mountbatten-Windsor. What do the Mariners and the royal family have in common? A unique ability to come up with the worst names. Ever. Right Beah?
- Sonic the Hedghog. It's impressive how well this list is lining up with my rankings. I wonder how that happened…? Anyways, a hedgehog isn't a dog, but if you squint, Sonic kind of looks like a Chihuahua.
- The Big Bang Theory Finale. Sometimes things, like that show and this list, go on far too long to be entertaining anymore. The show is about a bunch of nerdy dudes and one girl (original cast). Similarly, the Iron Pigs are a bunch of nerdy dudes (I assume, I don't know them, but they're in a wiffle league, so I think it's a pretty safe assumption) and one lady...
- Beyonce's Homecoming. I only caught the first 20 minutes or so of this… music video? Documentary? Doesn't matter. It was pretty good. Eventually I'll catch the end of it. Anyways, as soon as I started thinking about the Queen Bey and the Whalers I was reminded of Sanchez's cartwheel commemorating HR#500. (Congrats Sanchez!) Basically, now I want to see him do the 'Single Ladies' dance... all the way around the bases... Maybe for HR 600?
- Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. If I were getting rid of all the useless things in this league, the first thing to go would be the entire city of Hopkins (starting with Vlade). The last thing to go would be the Bears. (side note: I had one of those Angel donuts at the airport today: NOICE.)
- James Holzhauer. Who is a guy from Jeopardy? Apparently. And for final Jeopardy… A team that Nightmare couldn't name two players on. Who are the Orioles? Also correct. [that sounded better in my head. I'm still laughing]
- Noah Centineo. Apparently, he has established himself as a household name… The internet is stupid. You know who isn’t stupid? Or unattractive? The Lugnuts.
*For the record, the Reds actual ranking would have been 5, but I’m still salty they wouldn’t reschedule.