epstein posted on July 06, 2019 11:06
Each member of the HRL All Stars wrote a preview for another randomly determined player. Part one is here, part 2 coming later.
First up we have Psych's preview written by Mippey5 on YouTube.
“Evan "Psych" Sibbet is the competitive fire on the HRL All Stars. While some players are hitting on waitresses at B Dubs (Hardball), schmoozing with elderly women on a shuttle bus (Epstein), or flying drones during a game (Mippey), Evan reminds everyone that, "hey, we should probably try to win these games." I could bore you with Evan's videogame-like wiffleball statistics, but you can reference the website for that. (He's the one at the top of every category.) After playing his first game at nationals last year, Evan left the field muttering, "this is so f***ing fun." At the ripe age of 20 Psych will look to make big strides this year from an already impressive rookie campaign. Evan might be the one player from HRL to yell, "Let's Go!" after a big play, but only because this sport is so f***ing fun.” -Mippey5
Next we have Mippey's bio written by Hardball,
“This article is about my tallest yet maybe, lightest teammate for the HRL Allstars. I don’t know what his real name is but I call him Mippey. He calls me bitch. To be clear, I’ve never heard him call me that but he regularly makes me his bitch at least once a year. It’s a scheduled beating which I continue to volunteer for annually. I’ve heard teammates and friends of his claim that he is the most overrated player in the HRL. While I completely agree with their assessments, the stats tell a different story. At the time this article was written, toilet bound and short on research and time, here it goes.
Mippey can hit any pitch you’ve got. He’ll smile and almost shrug his shoulders as he rounds the bases. He’s had surgery on his vocal cords so his voice is soothing even to the strictest of librarians. If he were a woman, he’d be serving a life sentence for public indecency because he doesn’t own a shirt that he’s willing to wear. Speaking of Mippey and womanhood, if he had been born in certain parts of the world, he could’ve been the first topless woman I ever saw in one of those National Geographic magazines. His shorts exchange program has gotten out of hand as well. Beware. He wants your shorts so he can feel free to gain weight like teammates of his in the HRL. He won’t have to purchase a new wardrobe due to his schemes. He’s an evil genius and I’m proud to call him my teammate. Welcome back to Michigan, Mippey5.” -Hardball
We transition to Huck Finn's intro written by Seuss,
“Dan "Huck Finn" Duehn is as nice a guy off the field as he is ruthless on it. Long known for his All Star caliber pitching, Huck has steadily developed into one of the most dangerous, clutch bats in the HRL (see Hopkins finals gif from last season). Huck triple slashed .375/.583/.750 at the NWLA tournament last year, and struck out 6 over 4 quality innings on the hill in the HRL's first game of pool play. Not only will Huck be looking to build off of last tournament's success, he will also be stepping into the role of Manager for the HRL All Stars. Huck Finn will be central to the HRL's success at the 2019 NWLA Tournament.” -Seuss
We end the day with a touching tribute to Hardball written by Thunderson,
“Hardball. The name says it all. HRL's all-time leader for strikeouts in a single season with 257 (next closest is 204), Hardball knows how to deliver on the mound. Hardball has a bevy of pitches he can utilize to hit the zone while also avoiding hitters' bats. A capable left-handed batsman as well, Hardball has a .372 OBP since 2014 which includes 80 HRs and 210 RBIs.
Enough of the on the field stats, let's get to what really makes this man an icon. Hardball is the HRL. Hardball is a constant presence at the rinks, unofficially setting HRL attendance and beer consumption records that are less likely to be matched than his single season strikeout total. He supports the sport and the league in a way no one else could (or should). If anyone else showed up as often as Hardball does, it would be deemed creepy, but when Hardball does it.... it's still creepy but we've come to accept it. Hardball gets along with wifflers young (see, creepy), old, and super old and always has time to crack open a cold one a shoot the breeze. There is no better representative of our league we could hope to send to Morenci.” -Thunderson