By Nightmare (and Box!)—
So, I did not want to do rankings this week. Last weeks’ were so good, I’ve heard, that I figured I’d earned a week off. But just like every other time I feel that way, I remembered old grouchy pants. And if I quit my rankings, then the MB-terrorist wins…
So, I asked my teammates for help. The best answer, by far, was Catfish, “In all honesty Woley, I don’t know 2/3s of the teams.” I love this answer for two reasons. First, Catfish didn’t have to use my given name, but he did. And he spelled it incorrectly. Second, I have no doubt that CatDaddy doesn’t know most of the league, and doesn’t care. And I love that about him.
Anyways, the next best (and only other) answer was to compare teams to musical groups. Box and I stayed up late texting ideas back and forth (until his wife got mad and took away his phone). It was great, I’ve said it before, but Box is a great teammate… anyways, here’s what we came up with… enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t care. I just write these now so the grouchy one doesn’t win.
22. I start every draft of the Power Rankings by checking out the HRL website. Usually it’s a quick visit to check scores, stats, etc. This week was a little different. I spent about ten minutes watching Sixty-Two (I think) and Hoover demonstrate that they’re better friends than me and any of my teammates will probably ever be. I laughed along with these guys. A lot. And I got to thinking… The Lugnuts are genuinely having a great time this season. Originally, I was just going to say the Lugnuts are like the Grateful Dead because they have a van, and maybe make a Dead Head comparison, but instead, I think I’ll make this pairing because I don’t think the Dead were ever a commercially successful band, but they were/are an important band. The Lugnuts, too, are important to this league. And no, not just for stat padding (looking at you, Reds), they’re a reminder that there’s more important things than winning. We’re here to have some fun and drink a few Hamms too. (Previous Rank: 22)
21. What is a juggalo? Apparently, a juggalo will eat Monopoly, and sh** out Connect 4. I have no idea what that means. How familiar are people with the Insane Clown Posse? I feel like I can just say, “the Insane Clown Posse is to music as the Iron Pigs are to the HRL…” and I think people will pick up what I’m putting down. (PR: 21)
20. Hanson. The Orioles. Mmmmm, nope. I’m just going to let that one alone. I think it’s funny and was determined to get that joke into the rankings. In other news, will the O’s win 10 games? I think they might. (PR: 20)
19. I’d have submitted these rankings to Truck a half hour sooner if I hadn’t gotten sucked into a Bruno Mars rabbit hole. Granted, I was on youtube and the alternative might be getting sucked into an alt-right rabbit hole and coming out proud… person… Anyways, I dare you to listen to some Bruno without tapping your toe a little bit. There’s something magnetic about this guy. The only team, and guy, as universally beloved in the league is Truck and the Bears. Don’t believe me? Just watch… (PR: 19)
18. Hootie and the Blowfish. Like Hootie (aka Darrius Rucker), Bliss Jr. gets a lot of love, but what about the Blowfish and the rest of the Giants. Let’s spend some time talking about these guys… just kidding, let’s not. (PR: 18)
17. It's just one of those days, when you don't want to wake up… I bet the Mariners have those from time to time. Especially on wiffle days… I'm still kicking myself for thinking so highly of these guys early in the season. I'm also still kicking myself for buying a Limp Bizkit CD back in college. But I probably shouldn't, they were all the rage way back when. Snoop Dogg, Korn, Eminim, Alec Balwin, Flea, Derek Jeter… just a few of the cameos in the Break Stuff video. I wasn’t the only one lured in by that slick backwards red baseball hat… damn you Fred Durst. (PR: 17)
16. The Rolling Stones. I mean, the joke here is just that the Whalers are all really old. (PR: 16)
15. "Well I'm packing up my game and I'm a head out west." H8R and Hjal as they took their talent from Eagan to Hopkins and started the RoughRiders. Oh yeah, also Kid Rock sang that in what might be the greatest song ever written, Cowboy. Take a moment to envision H8R (or Hjal, or both) with a full-on mullet and cowboy hat (and leather vest sans shirt underneath). It works. It really works. And if you want to hear Cowboy or one of Kid Rocks other "hits," check him out at Treasure Island Casino on August 10 after Wifflin' for Wishes. (PR: 15)
14. I don't like The Pixies. I saw them in concert, once. I was told I should like them. They're iconic. They invented alternative music. They're… whatever. Similarly, the Twins. You should like them. You should respect what they’ve done. They're iconic. They’re a founding franchise. They helped define the league... Ugh. Preach much, Nightmare? (PR: 13)
13. When Love Finds U. No Apologies. Freedom. What do these songs have in common? They're all BANGERS from Fox's smash hit, Empire, starring (and all sung by) Jussie Smollett. I've never honestly heard these songs, but T-Mac and the Pirates are the closest thing I have to Mr. Smollett in my life, so I'm'a keep this rollin…. Aaaand I don’t know when to let a not-very-funny joke die. Also, Fireball! (PR: 14)
12. Two things I was into way before it was cool: The Black Eyed Peas and the Chihuahuas. The Peas were producing pretty good music early on in their career, but it wasn’t until they added Fergie that they started dropping fire tracks like ‘Let’s get it started’ and ‘My humps’ that they found mainstream success. Similarly, it took half a season, and the addition of a literal GIANT, but the Pups have found their stride. (PR: 12)
11. Two for one: N*SYNC. Something about a boy band because the A’s are all really young and then Neutron will leave the team and be way more successful than any of his teammates. Also, Kong is Lou Pearlman, former blimp salesman turned manager of the century. – OR – The family friendly sounds of Kidz Bop! You know, cause the A’s are all children… I’m leaning N*SYNC, but my youth comments are getting old (unlike the As!). Meh. (PR: 11)
10. Phish. I mean… lowest hanging fruit. Blah blah blah, the Marlins are super fun and amazing to be around. You can’t help but love us, but we’re also super talented, and we never have the same line-up twice. Also, Marlins are Phish. [Editor’s note: Box wanted to use Real Big Fish, but I don’t know who that is and am too lazy to look…] (PR: 10)
9. Kanye West. I remember when Kanye was cool. Before he lost his mind and decided to wear a red cap and start a church. I don’t want to make light of mental illness, but all the guy had to do was stay in “the lab” and continue to make great music, but instead… I don’t even know what you’d call the last couple years of his career. Similarly, the Braves, what were you thinking? You’re a storied franchise, doing everything right, even your bad years had bright spots, but then you go and lose your mind and add… (we all know who I'm talking about, but if I don’t use his name, he won't read the article). (PR: 9)
8. I’ll admit it, I went through the same phase in college as everyone else, but if you think about it, is Dave Matthews Band actually any good? I’m having similar thoughts about the Americans right now. And I’m not just saying that because their All-Star representative, Lulu, LostLost the game for Hopkins (see what I did there?) They’re losing more often than winning these days… (PR: 10… Ok, so I see the inconsistency here, I just said they are stinking, but moved them up two spots… blame my math)
7. I already joked about mental health, so let’s joke about substance abuse... You guessed it, alcohol! And that means, Billy Joel. And the Kardinals (minus Boom who doesn’t drink? In public?) Let’s keep it short, Who said this, Billy Joel or Tootin’ (or both), “I don't know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking." (PR: 7)
6. OK GO is "competent if unremarkable." (I forgot to note the source of that quote, sorry). I’d agree with that. I’d also agree that they may have the best videos of all time. Period. Hey Rubber Ducks. (PR: 5)
5. Kendrick Lamar released his first album like 15 minutes ago… not really, but in a short time he's established himself as one of the best rappers of all time. If you disagree, you’re wrong. The man won a Pulitzer. He’s very quickly risen to another level. Queue the Dodgers. (PR: 1… so, they dropped 4 spots, what’s up with that? As I mentioned, I use math now to do the rankings. They dropped because the next few teams played more games, or more games against “better” opponents. And by “better” I mean, those opponents had more wins.)
4. [Nightmare types into the google, 'band everyone hates'] Literally the first search result is: A scientific Explanation for Why Everyone Hates Nickelback. [Click, obviously] The point of the article, I kid you not, is that everyone hates Nickelback because they are a bunch of try hards. I couldn't make this up if I wanted. You hate Nickelback (and the Reds) because they are try hards. It’s science. (PR: 6)
3. Jay Z… the Yankees. Sometimes not saying anything, is the right thing to say. (PR: 3)
2. It’s getting close to my self-imposed deadline, so I’m getting lazy. Build-your-own-joke time! Step 1: Make a comment that the Beatles were some really talented dudes, Step 2: Add qualifier that Ringo Starr was less talented and thus replaceable, Step 3: Add a dash of the Biscuits, Step 4: Ringo Starr = TwoBat. (PR: 4)
1. Prince and the team formerly known as the Phillies/Padres. Prince is arguably the most talented musician on the list. The Mets’ talent? Check. Prince is a sexy mother fu**er. JC? Check. Prince made some of the finest, libido charging, baby making music I’ve ever heard. Web Gem and babies. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. (PR: 2)