By Nightmare –
So, last week’s rankings were supposed to be a half-ass throw away rankings. Just something to keep the streak of articles going and keep Vlade (somewhat) silent. I did not intend to start anything, yet in the week since… Multiple tweets, tons of rink-talk, getting called out on the message board… it’s been exhausting. It’s been too much! And my final opinion on the matter is that I really think a lot of people (myself included) need to find more productive things to do!*
That being said, I can’t stop ranking teams now because I’ve almost made it the whole season and I’ll be damned if Vlade is going to win now. So I present to you all, my second best effort to half-ass the rankings… basically, I’m going to double-down on my laziness this week.
22. I'm too lazy to look, has there ever been a winless team in the HRL? The Lugnuts could be the first. Rumor has it the Reds have an extra game. Maybe they should use one versus the Lugnuts and LOSE one to our favorite Hamm's aficionados… I mean, they owe them (at least) one for all the stat padding the nuts provided this season... (PR: 22)
21. Da Bears. Truck is the man. I haven’t mentioned the Professor lately, but that guy is cool. And Sully? ‘Sup man!?! Also, I owe Classless a donut… my bad, she knows her Goonies. (PR: 19)
20. The Giants. Bliss Jr. doesn’t get enough run support. (PR: 18)
19. Iron Pigs. I don't think I ever mentioned Family Guy in an article before. (PR: 21)
18. 10 Wins! That's pretty impressive. If you’re interested, Orioles, I’ll be holding a pitching clinic at the end of the season. I recommend Slim/Shaggy attend my first class, Pitching 101: Take 2 seconds to look at the ball and adjust to whether or not it is new/old, clean/dirty, etc. Seriously, take a breath between pitches. Lots of Some potential here, I’d love to see you guys improve. (PR: 20)
17. Sanchez says, "The Whalers didn't get no-hit last week!" Hmmm… Is "Sanchez says" still even a thing? My new favorite Whaler: Toonces. (PR: 16)
16. Seems like every time I give the Mariners a hard time, they win a few games. You're welcome. (PR: 17)
15. The RoughRiders. Something about not wanting to face a (currently) 12-24 team in Wifflepalooza. Not even a little bit. (PR: 15)
14. The Chihuahuas. Always remember, I loved you first. Also, I finally, spelled it right the first time. (PR: 12)
13. The Pirates… (PR: 13)
12. The Twins should move to Eagan. I think they'd like it. (PR: 14)
11. Athletics: Talk about exceeding expectations… Kong, I look forward to seeing you and your rookies up close this week. (PR: 11)
10. Braves. #ChopWatch: 381HR, 1199 Hits, 982 RBI. (PR: 9)
9. The Kardinals. Boom has a 1.08 ERA and is 3-4. How'd I miss this injustice all season long? (PR: 7)
8. Prediction: Americans v Marlins during Wifflepalooza. Lulu strikes out Nightmare to end the game and seal the American's victory. Nightmare NEVER hears the end of it. (PR: 10)
7. Rubberducks = Kim Kardasian of the HRL. Right? She got famous cause of her video(s)? I really don't know. Or care enough to look. (PR: 6)
6. Marlins are looking to be the first second oldest team to have two players hit .350, 25 HRs, 50 RBI and pitch 8 wins and 100 K each… I haven’t used as many obscure useless statistics as I planned this season…
5. Look at this photograph, Every time I do it makes me laugh. How did our eyes get so Red[s]? And what the hell is on Hardball's head? This is where I grew up, I think the present owner fixed it up, I never knew we ever went without, The second floor is hard for sneakin' out. And this is where I went to school, Most of the time I had better things to do, Criminal record says I broke in twice, I must of done it half a dozen times, I wonder if it's too late, Should I go back and try to graduate? Lot's better now than it was back then, If I was them, I wouldn't let me in, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, God, I, Every memory of lookin' out the back door, I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor, It's hard to say it, Time to say it, Good bye, good bye.
4. My first criticism of the Yankees this season: what's up with the neon uniforms last week? Why would you ever not wear the dope new purple ones?
3. Dear The Biscuits, please accept the following in lieu of a highlight video or formal application:
- TwoBat: .290, 15 HR, 44 RBI, 56 K. Pitching: 0.00 ERA, 10.00 K/6
- Nightmare: .378, 27 HR, 58 RBI, 34 K. Pitching: 1.01 ERA, 10.92 K/6
Thank you, I look forward to meeting you to further discuss my qualifications to join your team.
P.S. Mippey, will you please start talking to me so I can ask you for help making my highlight reel.
2. The Dodgers. I don't even have words for what Psych is doing this year. JEEEZ. For the record, I wanted to do a big long thing on Psych this week (that’s what she said), but I started by googling, “Travis Scott best songs…” My ears are broken… I don’t even know how to describe what I saw/heard.
1. Webby has a lot of kids. JC is like, totally cute. The Mets are probably the only real threat to another Biscuits World Series appearance.
*Just Kidding! I love the attention and am currently plotting more ways to get even more attention with the few weeks of rankings I have left.