They said, “It isn’t possible,” and I believed them… but I was wrong.
You may have noticed recent issues with the league website, www.hrltwincities.com. I know the experience. You head to the nation’s best wiffleball website Monday morning, ready for a little entertainment while you poo. All you want to do is check the schedule, maybe check the MB to see if Thunderson started the ‘Wiffles’ thread (or pickleball or racketball), then of course the plan is to settle onto the throne and see what Nightmare has to say about your squad. BUT YOU CAN’T. The site is down. Why?
The internet, is broken.
And I did it. I overloaded the website with AWESOMENESS.
As you all know by now, I’m not a hacker. I still work on AOL dial-up. So I checked with Dee, and he confirmed, Wole broke the internet (with awesomeness, my words, not Dee’s).
Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Nightmare will bring it crumbling to the ground with awesomeness…In your collective faces… sigh…
15. Yard Goats (0-6). I’m not a big fan of the team name, nor the origins of it. The mascot/logo isn't the worst. Professor needs some help… Maybe Shipwreck will come to the rescue… I see him practicing almost every day… well, he’s practicing the drinking part of wiffleball… Goats lost to the lil’ Pups and the Ballers last week and have the Pirates up next. It’ll be hard to not rank them last again next week… since they don’t play. (PR: 15)
14. Rumble Ponies (1-3). They haven’t played in over a week, so difficult impossible to justify moving them up in the rankings. I tried to take a closer look at this team to see what they’re about. They have a dude who gave up 8 runs on 1 hit? Oh, 8 walks in 9 batters faced, that’ll do it. Jeez, did he go back in time and play the 2019 Reds? Hahahahah, that was a long road to a mediocre joke, but… I’ll allow it. They get to play the Yankees this week… (PR: 14)
13. RoughRiders (0-4). So when do we put together a search party for Hjal? There’s something wrong (but also very right) about the fact I have seen Jagr at the rink more recently than Hjal. And where’s the real H8R? Usually if his team is losing this much at least he’s hitting majestic dongs. But now H8R and the Riders are 0-4 and H8R is majestically dong-less. I repeat, no dong for H8R. Something isn't right in RoughRiderVille. So… they lost twice to the [Racist team name] and play the Americans and Saints on Thursday. Hopefully Lulu pitches so H8R can crush some bombs. (PR: 11)
12. Saints (1-3). Split last week, beat the Vibes, lost to the Kards. Play the ‘Rats and ‘Riders on Thursday. What else can I write about this team if I am purposefully avoiding any negative references to a certain member of a team and refusing to fall back on the same joke I’ve used literally every week for a season and a half? Oh boy… Uh… I’ll come back to this one… or will I? (PR: 12)
11. Pirates (0-4). It occurred to me that I may have forgotten to mention that harassing me, constantly, at the rink about your team’s low ranking will result in me ranking your team higher. At least temporarily. Well, harassing me or threatening to take me off your Christmas card list… dang T-Mac, that’s harsh. I really look forward to your holiday greetings! But you know what was not harsh? Making a liquor run mid-game. T-Mac, awesome move. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time in league history, but it was certainly the most recent time. Ummm, oh yeah, Jessie Smollett. Anyways, the ‘Rats took a couple 10-run L’s from the BrewCrew and Biscuits. They play the Saints and Americans this week. (PR: 13)
10. Americans (2-3). I can only assume Lulu is in charge of entering stats for his team because his team failed and they aren’t in yet. That is ridiculous. Anyways, they lost at least one game last week to the Kards, probably another to the Vibes, but how would I know? Also ridiculous, Lulu is #133 (of 149) on the all-time career hit list. That is… really bad. And his website pic looks like a mug shot. They play the Rider-Rat combo on Thursday. Maybe stats will be in by then. (PR: 9)
9. Fun fact: The Kardinals (3-4) are tied for the lead in the team name with the most K’s in its name. Fun fact: The Kardinals lead the league in Ks… I don’t know the percentage of swinging versus looking... Anyways… despite leading the league in striking out, the Kards swept Hopkins last week, and look to do the same this week against the Baller-Pups. (PR: 7)
8. Yankees (3-1) beat the ‘Pups and lost to the Ballerz (with a ‘z’ this time to keep it fresh) in a couple close games last week. This week they take on the Rumble Ponies in what I can only assume will be a very one-sided affair. But I could be wrong! But I’m probably not. Side note: is Lil Mahommes who I think it is? I love multi-generational wiffles. (PR: 10)
7. Chihuahuas (4-2). Chihuahuas and Yard Goats both have team logos that include an animal biting a bat (I am really digging for anything remotely “interesting” to write about this week). I don’t know what that means, but it is an observation. Anyways, these bat-biters beat the Eagan bat biters, but the ‘Pups lost to the Yankees. This week they play the Vibes and Kards, and since I am predicting stuff today, I predict a split. I didn’t watch the Off the Leash Pre-Game Show last week to see if I got a bark out… maybe I’ll go do that now. (PR: 8)
6. Vibes (1-2). Someone enter the damn stats for the game… although it doesn’t matter because my only insights into this team are related to their mascot. [Dammit Nightmare, do better!]… umm, oh, I bet the last time Epstein lost three games in a row was when he got swept by the Biscuits in the World Series! Hahahaha. [Isn’t that the same year he crushed you in the playoffs, Nightmare? Shut up, stupid.] Anyways, I hope no one forgot about this gem… I didn’t…. (PR: 5)
*note the limit of two HR/inning and lob pitches only granted to donor. True fine print fashion. CASH THESE IN!
5. No birthday cake for this Baby Cake (3-2)… meh, I’ve made worse jokes. The Cakes drop 2 of 3 on what was otherwise a fabulous birthday for Nightmare. The highlight: getting to play at Carnelian for the first time. seeing Huck Finn for the first time this season. HOV getting his first hit as a Baby Cake, a MAJESTIC BLAST that may or may not have landed yet. (PR: 4)
4. [Racist Team Name] (5-1). Anyways, as much as I despise this team name, I do not despise the guys on the team. I don’t know how it happened (I do, that’s just an expression), but this has quietly become a very good team, and despite what SANCHEZ SAYS, their old age is not going to slow them down. They added Shirls. Shirls! I’d say this is my dark horse team, but I think that may be a racially insensitive term… anyways, these guys took two from the Riders last week and look to continue their success against the Beer-Biscuits (mmm, that sounds DEElicious) on Thursday. (PR: 6)
3. Brewers (5-2). Baby Face is for real. That’s it. Brewers went 2-1 at Carnelian last week against the Cakes and Rats. They play the [racist team name] and the Grumble Horses this week… at Carnelian again. For real, watch out for BabyFace. (PR: 3)
2.
Biscuits (5-1). Let’s cut right to the chase. Mippey and the Biscuits
were flying high. Mippey (2-0, 0 hits granted, 0 runs allowed)
was running through opponents like a hot knife through butter. But then, he ran into
Nightmare and his rejection-fueled vengeance [because this link very likely won’t work because I can’t computer, it is me taking Mippey on a trip to a little place I like to call, “home run town”]. You didn’t think you could reject me over, and over, and over, again without consequences, did you? The first run you allowed this year belongs to Nightmare. Call me ‘the baker,’ cause I burnt that biscuit! Anyways, Biscuits went on to win 7-5. Then they beat the Rats. Next up are the Horses and [racist team name]. (PR: 2)
1. Cannon Ballers (6-0). #1 teams are very boring to write about. Guess what? They won (Goats/Yanks). Guess what else? They’ll probably win some more (Kards/Vibes). Whatever. Honestly, there’s not much interesting to write here… Oh, this week is the Ballers last trip to Eagan. I’m sure that makes them happy (cause they like Hopkins for whatever reason). That is until the World Series…? Oh, and Taco, I heard what you said on the Off The Leash Show, I love you too. (PR: 1)
*#BarkBark, thanks for the shout out.
**Tootin: beers and majestic blasts.