If you’re one of the two people who read the texts I send on the Baby Cakes text thread (that’s a joke cause there's 9 guys on our team), then you know this weekend I put a projector in my garage. Of course, I started watching wiffle videos almost immediately. Obviously, I spent way too long forcing my son to watch my wiffle highlights on the “big screen.” Luckily, I haven't got a lot of highlights, so I quickly found myself tumbling down an HRL-Youtube rabbit hole. Eventually, I stumbled onto the
2007 HRL DVD videos.
Believe it or not, Nightmare, the guy bringing the HRL its most entertaining interesting anticipated consistent (written) content, had never watched the 2007 DVD. Twelve years, and not once did I sit through this… masterpiece. Why not?
I mean, first and foremost, it was originally a DVD. I didn’t have the DVD. So obviously I couldn’t watch it. Then of course it got onto Youtube, and I probably caught a chapter here or there, but I never committed to the whole thing because there's like 15 chapters and 15 is too many of anything… except majestic blasts… Oh, and it’s shot in stunning, lifelike… 240p. And the cameraman/men are probably pretty drunk most all of the time, so it’s a little… rough to watch sometimes… but anyways, I digress… I’ve fixed that now.
A little background info, 2007 was my first year in the league. Yeah, that’s about all you need to know. 2007 has a special place in my heart, and I should have watched the videos sooner. I didn’t set out to watch the videos, but what drew me in was Chapter 1. The intro chapter is really very good/funny. Truck is great and something about those first few minutes sucked me in (and of course the promise of seeing myself on the TV… which I did, and immediately regretted).
It’s a damn pandemic. You’re probably home more often than not. You probably have more free time than you used to. You should check it out. See how the game used to be played, it’s really different. I won’t comment on it being better, or worse… it’s just different. Oh, and it was WAY drunker. Anyways… what’s my point? Revisit this classic piece of cinema. I can only imagine how much work Truck (and others) put into this before GoPros and digital editing and whatever else, but it’s really pretty entertianing and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
Time for jokes! (If you can’t tell already, we’re going back in time this week…)
Side note: Epstein, if you need a place to screen Cronin’s Coeds, or whatever your movie is called, let me know!
15.
Yard Goats (0-6). Didn’t play last week, ‘Rats are up next… Did you know, the
Yard Goats are
actually a minor league team. I thought it was just a reference to that Adam Sandler skit (no link because I’m not a Sandler fan, but you can google it if you’re bored… which you are, because you're reading this). Wow, okay, that’s cool… not really, but it is something to say.
(PR: 15)
14. Rumble Ponies (1-7) (also a real MiLB team, cool). These guys have pictures on the website now, that’s… something. The Ponies lost two relatively close games to the BrewCrew and Biscuits last week. Wait… Baby Face didn’t get a hit? What? That’s interesting. Baby Cakes are up next. (PR: 14)
13. Pirates (1-5). T-Mac and PorkBot (originally a typo, but I kind of like PorkBot, so I left it) were both rookies in 2007. They both make a couple appearances in the video. Something I did not know before this weekend, the O’Doyles’ dad played in the league. Lots of multi-generational wiffles there… sort of, Dad O’Doyle only played a handful of games, but whatever. Still counts. I wish my dad played wiffles… Ummm… Last week the ‘Rats lost a close one to the ‘Aints, but beat the Americans and are riding high on a one-game winning streak. Yard Goats are up next. (PR: 11)
12.
RoughRiders (0-6, H8R: 0HRs). Where do I start… Chronologically, I guess. 2007 brought us H8R and H9K. Who’d have known then how dominant those two would become together in the early 2010s (w/Webby and Jagr of course). [I think I’m building up to some sort of 2007-was-the-best-year-for-new-talent-ever sort of thing… but I’m not sure.] Anyways, speaking of old Gothams… Last week… you’ve been waiting… I’ve been waiting… the
Return of Jagr. It’s about damn time. Ummm… oh yeah, the Riders don’t play again until August, yikes! (PR: 13)
(I was going to put Jagr’s face here, but then I was worried the joke wouldn’t land… it still might not.)
11. Americans (3-5). So, I was texting this past week with my new BFF, Knooty Booty. If I ever manage a team, I’m saving a roster spot for my boy KB! Someone needs to save this young man from the soul crushing torment that is Lulu. Anyways, that’s the whole story. I like Knooty, Lulu is a booty. Ummm, so they beat the ‘Riders… lost to the ‘Rats last week. ‘Ballerz are up next. Random prediction… one month from today, Americans are… 5-13. I will attribute it all, to Lulu. (PR: 10)
10. Kardinals (3-6). Birthday wiffles aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. Kards lost to the ‘Pups and the ‘Ballerz on Tootin’’s birthday. Worst of all, he had ZERO majestic blasts. I know this, because they scored zero runs in two games… Did he drink many beers? Probably. They play the [racist team name] next... (PR: 9)
9. Dr. K is the only member of the Saints (4-4) who was playing in 2007. We… did not play each other… which is not helpful for this article… wow. Talk about crap writing… why even mention that? Anyways, the Saints swept Eagan out of town last week (‘Rats and ‘Riders). [insert joke about BlissJr getting run support]. They have the Biscuits up next… there goes that winning streak… maybe… probably… (PR: 12)
8. I didn’t even bother to check if any
Vibes (3-4) were playing in 2007. My guess is that the oldest Vibe, whomever that might be, was probably playing wiffles in the backyard 12 years ago, going 10-for-10 with 10 bombas against his favorite teddy bear… Anyways, the Vibes beat the ‘Pups and lost to the ‘Ballerz last week. Then there was maybe a Twitter beef maybe, but I stopped paying attention because I’m old… The Vibes get the Yankees next. That could be interesting if Epstein shows up. Speaking of Epstein, here are some awards Epstein won’t be winning this year: Yellow Slammer, Cy Wiffle, MVP… uhh, there are others, but these are the ones I care about. And the awards Epstein
might win this year: an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, a Palme d’Or. If you haven’t heard, Epstein’s making a
movie! (PR: I forgot and too lazy to look).
7. Chihuahuas (5-3). Well, obviously none of these guys played in 2007. And I just used up my “best” joke about younglings…dang it… Oh, side note, my son is obsessed with Groot. He has, no kidding, brought him up at least once per day for the past three or four days. I mentioned offhandedly how tall Groot is and it blew my son’s mind. It’s weird, but I guess it’s nice my son has someone to look up to… get it? Anyways, after Covid, my kid needs to meet you Groot. Last week… Pups lost to the Vibes and beat the Kards. Brewers up next. (PR: 7)
6.
Baby Cakes (3-2) haven’t been seen at the rinks since getting chased out of Lando Calrissian park on Nightmare’s birthday (why the picture of Lando? Because why not?). So, I think it’s clear how much I love multi-gen wiffles (i.e. father/son playing together, it’s my dream to do so with my kid). Even though I was a Red for like, way too long, I had never heard the tale of the
2007 World Series. I… I don’t even know. It was one for the books. It took almost a month to play out the series. There was drama, action, more drama, a very young a spry Palpatine… but most of all, and getting to my point, the greatest father-son wiffle performance probably of all time. Oh yeah, Seuss was there in ‘07. Nightmare was too (on the Colt .45s), but he sucked (and was… very, very round back then… I won’t link off to the All-Star portion of the videos where I make an appearance because I’m vain) … Ummm, next the Cakes take on the Ponies…
(PR: 5)
5. The Yankees (5-1) were the last team to start their season, and a week later they’re 5-1. Six games in one week! Other teams haven't played that many in a month. Sheesh! Anyways, back to the DeLorean… Rocket looked like a Beastie Boy in 2007. And I mean that as a compliment. Torpedo might actually be a time traveler because he looks exactly the same (I assume, I haven't seen him yet this year). I never did figure out if Lil Mahomes is who I think he is, but I assume he is (Torpedo’s son), and that’s awesome! (see above rambling about inter-gen wiffles). Yankees swept the Ponies and have the Vibes up next… (PR: 8)
4. First, and most impressively (to me), is that six of the nine players on The Eagan Wiffleball Team (6-2)* were playing in 2007. That’s cool, and maybe why Sanchez insists they’re old. Back in 2007, the Eagan Wiffleball Team (EWT) was in the middle of a historic amazing dominant run to the World Series. The EWT is heavily featured in the 2007 DVD, and there is a lot I could talk about. Chops’s chops were even more glorious than I remembered (or than they are now, in my opinion). Sanchez was kind of a stud… I don’t recall if DJ was ROY in Hopkins, but I think he should have been. The Man… it’s been awhile and I forgot how “the Man-y” he was… he wore a jersey with his own face on it… Respect. There’s a pretty funny spot where Shirls and Sanchez are getting chippy with each other… and now they’re BFFs on the same team… I dunno… Clearly, I’m rambling, but the point I eventually wanted to make is that I feel like these old dudes are going to have an old man moment and make a run this year. Also, I think they should change their name to the Crawdads. It seems fitting as they are all old and cranky. And dads. Last week they beat the Brewers and got beat by Biscuits… Kards are up next... (PR: 4)
3. Brewers (6-3). 2007 was the last HRL season without WebGem. BabyFace has homered in 7 of 9 games. And I forgot to mention last week that I saw Old Yeller smile on my birthday. Last week BrewCrew lost to the Braves, beat the Ponies. The ‘lil Pups are up next. That is all. (PR: 3)
2. Fun fact 31: the only player from the
Biscuits (7-1) who played in 2007 is TwoBat. Fun fact #2: TwoBat played for the WhiteSex in 2007. Fun fact #3: Nightmare’s first ever game was
against the WhiteSex. Fun fact #4: TwoBat was the starting pitcher (I went 0-for-5, only 1K!). Fun fact #5: TwoBat and I both had an error in that game. Awesome fact #1: TwoBat and I are now text message buddies! Conclusion: I think it’s clear what our destiny is (if it isn't clear: me, TwoBat, and Knooty Booty form a team, duh)… anyways, in 2007
Mippey and the rest of his team were all probably like… sneaking beers (and chew, right Griz?) from their parents because they were like 13 years old... Umm, oh yeah, the Biscuits have won like 6 in a row, they play the Saints this week. (PR: 2)
1.
Cannon Ballers (8-0). What??!! The
Cannon Ballers are actually a team too?! I had no idea. I thought these names were getting out of hand… but really, I'm just not that smart… Honestly, my only issue with these guys was the team name, but since I realize now I was wrong, my new issue is this:
WHY’D YOU GET RID OF THE STACHE ON THE LOGO?!?!? Especially since Stache is on the dang team!!!! Seems like you guys dropped the ball there… probably the only ball you’ll drop this year! Hmmm, no. Anywho, the Ballers are yet to lose in 2020. I think they continue their winning ways this week against the Saints. (PR: 1)
*Courtesy of my future teammate, and fellow 2007 rookie, TwoBat.