By Nightmare aka Future Biscuit—
SORRY, Not sorry. These are a day late, you’ll live. Life got in the way. My kid had his birthday this weekend and, if you can imagine, it was all about him. If you read the rankings even once in a while, you know that it’s all about me. My son is just like that… but… more. So, the result is you get a special TUESDAY EDITION of the Power Rankings
UPDATE: The gentleman on the ladder… he’s okay! At least he didn’t plummet to his death last week as I wrote the rankings.
Anyways, back to your irregularly scheduled rankings…
Somebody once
told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed… etc. etc. Hey now, you’re an All-Star! Well, maybe, I don’t know who you are exactly, so I don’t know if you were voted in, or not, or you were and didn’t show… and does that count? Anyways, yay Smash Mouth? And I realize I linked to the
Mystery Men version of the song and have a Shrek picture, but these are late, I’m in a hurry, and keeping things consistent is not high on my list of priorities.
If you haven't seen the awesome
All-Star game highlight video, go watch it now. It is off the chain. Lit. Fire. I didn’t have time to consult my millennial teammates for the proper lingo… but trust me, it’s a great video of a great night. And I’m not just saying that because I filmed it all. *
Anyways, due to time, I’ll cut the nonsense short and get to the rankings. I tried to say nice things about all of the All-Star participants, if I missed you, I’m sorry, but a couple individuals definitely stuck out and… took up a lot of space in the ranks. So, it was great seeing everyone, thanks COVID, for making this a year where not everyone could participate…
Time for jokes!
15.
RoughRiders (2-14): The Legendary H8R, All-Star. As previously mentioned, it was my kid’s birthday on Sunday. Well, every year my kid’s birthday reminds me of… H8R. (WTF?) My wife, like Webby’s wife, is a SAINT.
August 29, 2013, my wife was about 10 months pregnant. She, being a saint, tells me to,
go ahead and play wiffleball. Umm, yes please. As I’m sure even the slowest reader out there can predict, she went into labor in the middle of game 1. Of course I left to take my wife to the hospital, but the last thing I did that night, one of the last things I
ever did before becoming a father…was launch a MAJESTIC BLAST off of the one, the only, Legendary H8R.** I know H8R is a father now as well, and I only hope that one day, his son and my son can be bitter rivals, like we were, for many, many years… So, fast forward 7 years, me and H8R are dads and All-Star buddies and H8R was in classic H8R form. Talking
nonstop trash (and providing trash talk pointers to anyone who would listen), and unlike some people (Lulu) backing that sh!t up like a U-Haul truck. H8R, I tip my hat to you sir. Anyways, last week the Hjal-less RoughRiders dropped 3 of 4, they play the Brewers/Biscuits (Monday) and the Goats (Thursdays). (PR: 15)
14.
Pirates (3-15). Although there weren’t any Pirates at All-Star “festivities,” we all owe them some thanks for the fantastic highlight video Seuss put together. If the Pirates hadn’t let me jacka$$ around testing out new camera angles during our games the week prior, the highlight video would have been the same old, hum drum, behind the board shot everyone in the league uses. Would it kill you guys to move the camera around once in awhile?! Just sayin… Thanks Pirates, for being cool. Also shout out to PorkBot! Why? Just because. The Rats dropped two to the Cakes last week and rescheduled with the Crawdads. They play the Kards later this week. (PR: 13)
13.
Yard Goats (4-15). No Goats at All-Star night, which may be the first snub on the list (may also be the only one, let’s see how things go)… Ladies and “gentlemen,” Professor should have been voted into the All-Star game as a hitter. He’s having a great year at the plate, all while carrying his team on his back (sorry rest of the Goats, but he is). I don’t know, maybe this is a little residual of my Professor obsession from last year, but I think he should have been an All-Star. Also, in case you were wondering, Neut smoked a brisket this weekend… I didn’t get any (my fault, not Neut’s). Anyways, the Goats and Ponies split last week, Goats vs Riders this week. (PR: 14)
12.
Saints (5-18). There wasn’t a single Saint at the All-Star event. That’s as lame as Vlade’s insults on the board. Also lame, dropping three against the Americans last week. Can this be right, the Saints only have four games left? Where’d the season go? Where’d the summer go, jeez Louise… Vlade and the Saints play this week against the Ballers. (PR: 10)
11.
Rumble Ponies (7-16): Benny and B Squared. I’ve already given the Ponies the Nightmare Seal of Approval… but they continue to impress. Every time I see a Pony, I see them warming up a little and getting more comfortable, and most importantly, proving me right when I said they make a great addition to the league. I had a chance to talk with these guys on All-Star night and seeing how excited they were about joining the league… it touched Nightmare’s heart. Feelings… Anyways, I’m glad these guys joined the league… about as last minute as possible too. We should all consider ourselves lucky that these guys decided to throw a wiffleball team together on about 24 hours’ notice and join un in 2020! Last week Ponies dropped two to the Kards and they have the Yankees on Thursday. (PR: 12).
10.
Americans (9-13): Lulu, Chest Hair, My Boy KB, and Dipsh!t. Wow. This is tough. You all know how I feel about Lulu. I spent quite a lot of time during my first few rankings letting everyone know how terrible I thought Lulu was. I mean, he can’t hit, he’ll tell you that, it’s a fact. He talks. All. The. Time. I can’t tell you how much footage from All-Star night was rendered useless because he’s drunkenly droning on and on and on in the background. He. Is. The. Worst… And I’m starting to like him. Please, let’s make it clear, I am
not happy about this. It’s the last thing I wanted to happen. But I think at some point, he wore me down. Picture this, 9:54pm Saturday night. I’m just getting home from All-Star night after the long, arduous trek across the cities. I’m lazily cleaning the Chick-fil-A drive through crumbs out of my car (the only good part about driving home from Hopkins) when I get a text message. It’s my boy KB! I won’t share the specific content of the text message, because it would be very embarrassing for my new friend Lulu, but this man was passed the F out. Done. Sh!tcanned. White girl wasted. It was, HILARIOUS. But at that moment, I didn’t laugh (I certainly did later), instead my first thought was, “Aww man, poor dude is gonna feel like poop tomorrow.” And at just that moment I was like, “sh*t. I don’t hate this dude anymore, I kind of like him.” Don’t get me wrong, he is probably the most annoying human being I’ve ever encountered, but I think on Saturday night it kind of clicked for me why the Americans haven't cut this dude from the team. Oh, and he’s got
one amazing pitch (the rest is trash).
If he could just shut up and pitch… it isn't even worth finishing the sentence because he’ll never stop talking. Americans didn’t suck against the Saints last week and have the Brewers up next. (PR: 11)
9.
Kardinals (8-12): Lulu. You read that right, Lulu was the only member of the Kards in attendance on All-Star Night. No, I’m not as drunk as Lulu was (and probably still is). They maybe don’t know it yet, but Lulu decided he’d be a perfect fit for the Kards because he “drinks a lot and swings really fu**ing hard.” I pointed out that the Kards will occasionally make contact and hit majestic blasts, but Lulu was unphased. Tootin’, I suggest you change your number so Lulu can’t reach you. He was really excited about this idea… And yes Lulu, I know you have no recollection of that conversations. Anyways, between topless photo shoots last week, the Kards took two quick games from the Ponies (both games done by about 7:15pm so the Minneapolis-based players could get home before curfew… remember when my curfew jokes were saved for all the children in the league… I miss those days). Kards v Pirates this week. (PR: 9)
8.
Chihuahuas (10-12): Murse and Clark. If you haven't seen
this video of Clark (aka The Wish? I don’t know what that’s about, but if you make plays like this, I’ll allow it) yet, stop what you’re doing and watch it now. A better man than myself wouldn’t make this about himself… but, I am who I am and HOLY COW was I smart to get on the Clark bandwagon a couple weeks ago. Clark = Awesome fielder, awesome dude. And Murse… I don’t care for the nickname, but you’re a pretty awesome dude too. Right now I’m trying to decide if you get to join Clark Sr. (see what I did there?), Box, Chops, and My Boy KB on the list of nicest dudes in the league… I’m undecided, but you’re certainly on the list of most honest HRL’ers… and that’s a very short list. Anyways, The Pups lost three to the Biscuits. Yeesh. Speaking of “yeesh” (not really), I just learned “Yeet!” I think. Anyways, you guys are young, you get it. (PR: 8)
7.
Yankees (12-6): Z-Dog, Torpedo. First and foremost, I love the Yankees. Nothing but respect for these guys. There have been many hard fought battles between them and myself over the past decade and I believe they’re a very good team and even better people… That being said… I think there’s a chance the Vibes overtake them and win the division… The Yankees dropped 3 of 4 last week (Riders and Cakes) and have the Biscuits/Brewers (Monday) and Ponies (Thursday) this week. I don’t want to bet against the Yankees… but… It’s going to be a difficult and close finish. (PR: 6)
6.
Vibes (12-9): Cheerio, fun star. The Vibes are playing well and surging. I’m not sure they’d make it out of Wifflepalooza, so I think it’s good they’re hot right now and have a shot to win the division (see what I did here, I stuck a little jab right between two compliments, making like a little rankings s’more). I hate actually talking about wiffleball during the rankings, so I’ll keep it brief, but I really think it’ll come down to pitching. Number one pitchers on both teams are great, but who can step up and be the #2 guy and win a couple games? I don’t know… or care right now… Vibes play, oh look at this, the Baby Cakes next and I promised FishHook a Cakes sweep. And Cheerio, before you rev up the old bad vibe machine, remember Epstein was selling lob balls in the off season (and I took advantage) so if you’re mad at anyone, be mad at him. (PR: 8)
5.
Crawdads. (15-4). I bet there was a time (a long time) when there could never have been an All-Star game without a Crawdad… wait... there
wasn’t. Holy buckets, half the Crawdads were voted in… and then didn’t show up. Lame. I can only imagine these old sons of guns stayed home to rest and ice and icy-hot old man muscles. I’m relieved to see they’re still good enough to be voted in… even if they’re too
cool old to show up. Swept the Vibes last week, got the Rats up next. (PR: 5)
4.
Cannon Ballers (15-7): Stache. Taco was voted in, but didn’t show up, did he send Stache as his proxy? Yes. Why? He’s a brilliant strategerist. Strategerizer… Anyways, because brilliant strategery! (Warning, I’m about to make this all about me). Taco certainly sent Stache in his place because Taco knows that I am a career 0-for-10 against Stache. Seeing as I
single handedly crushed Hopkins in the All-Star game last year, he stepped aside and sent the Chosen Beard to shut me down. Well played, Taco!*** Anyways, the Ballers split with the Brewers last week and have the ‘Aints up next. (PR: 5)
3. The
Baby Cakes (16-3): Psychy, Seussy, Nighty. I think each of the Baby Cakes voted in by their peers represented the city of Eagan well. What’s that? Only 10 players from Hopkins voted? And 8 of the votes were from the 8 Baby Cakes?? Ummm, so what? I told everyone to vote!**** I guess no one listens to me. Actually, I don’t guess, I know no one listens… Anyways, the Cakes swept the Yankees and Rats last week and have the Vibes up next. I’m already rolling my eyes at the “sending good vibes” tweet Cheerio is going to send Thursday morning. I know you mean that sh!t sarcastically! (PR: 3)
2.
Brewers (16-5): Webby, Thunderson, Baby Face. Well, first of all, Webby: you owe me a can of bug spray. First you DOUSE your entire body, and that’s cool. No shirt, you gotta keep the skeeters off your six-pack, I get it. But then you DRENCH your shirt as well. Double layering? Then you quickly ditch the shirt anyways. What the hell bruh? Actually, I know it was a mind trick. Use up all Eagan’s bug spray so we spend the last few innings of the night fighting bugs and can’t focus on the game. Classic Webby mind games. Anyways, I’ve said it before, but Baby Face is a grown man. His nickname should be ‘Man Face,” but whatever, his call. Uh, if you ever want to be really bored, have Thunderson explain his theory on keeping book for the All-Star game… Yikes! Anyways, Brewers/Ballers split last week, Riders/Yankees up next and then the Puppies. (PR: 2)
1.
Biscuits (19-4): SmallPox and Griz. Here’s a couple notes I took about my future team: 1) SmallPox is grown. He a grown. A$s. Man. 2) SmallPox needs Jeezus. 3) Griz adjusts his hat every pitch. I can’t not watch it and think, “why?” Anyways, my key observation from Monday was that Mippey bailed on Hopkins. I was… disappointed for sure, but I always like to think that whenever SmallPox’s buddy Jeezus closes a door, he opens a window… and that’s
just what happened. I meant to keep this a secret until after the season, but I can’t.
I’M OFFICIALLY A BISCUIT IN 2021. What? You don’t believe me? Well, here’s the receipt! I was texting with my team captain (?) MIPPEY5 Monday morning and he
confirmed my place on the team! See here I call him “bestie” and HE DIDN’T CORRET ME! And, then he calls me “future biscuit” which I guess is maybe my new nickname? And then he says, “this will promote you to our AA team.” Apparently, I was already on the team and didn’t know it AND now I was
promoted to AA, not added,
promoted! No try outs for this guy, I’m there baby! And since I don’t know anything about minor league operations, I had to look it up, but Wikipedia says of Double-A ball, “Players often advance directly to the majors from this level…” I mean, butter me up, I’m a Biscuit!
*While technically I did film all the video you see in the highlights, Stache did extensive filming as well that we’re saving for a future project. Also, Seuss does the heavy lifting and turns the video into the spectacular highlight reels, so really he deserves some most of the props.
**While technically, it was a homerun, it was not majestic at all. It barely cleared the fence in short right and I think it was 150% wind aided.
***Yes, I know Taco was voted in as a hitter and Stache came to pitch, but this way I could tell that fun little story!
****I made these numbers up, but sadly, I didn’t have to exaggerate too much for this joke. ROCK THE VOTE PEOPLE!