A few hours ago, I set a timer for 45 minutes. That’s how long I was going to dedicate to the Rankings. Several hours later, I’m still at it. I’m not sure the extra time is reflected one bit in the quality of what you’re about to read. It’s not great. But you know what?
Just like my paper pants, you get what you pay for.
Time for jokes…
20. Baby Cakes (7-1). I wanted to see what it feels like… It’s not great. They Cakes are currently on the longest losing streak in their franchise’s history. Their big man… is really just their old man now. But hey, you can’t go from worst to first if you’re never the worst… meh. (PR: 4)
[writer’s note: it was pretty gloomy outside when I started writing these, I was in a pretty sad place. Kind of like Eeyore…]
19. Part of me feels good not ranking The Lugnuts (0-9) #22. They seem to enjoy it too much. And let the record show, I am noting that for the first week since the season began, the Lugnuts will not win a single game… wait, that’s not right... Don’t tell me what to do, Franklin! (PR: 22)
18. Da Bears (0-6). How many kids in the league don’t know Bill Swerski’s super fans? Anyways, for some reason my phone is telling me anytime Truck does anything on Facebook. Just now I learned “Truck is at McCoys in SLP.” Okay, thanks, I guess. I’m not sure what I did right in my life that my phone is giving me the play-by-play on Poppa Bear, but I’ll take it. (PR: 19)
17. I know it wasn’t the HRL, but did something happen with the Twins (1-7) this week? Something about a HR on a 3-0 pitch when the team was up big…? I don’t know (or care) what happened really, the Twins (MLB not HRL) are awful and don’t deserve my attention… but the whole thing reminded me of some heated discussions on the old message board about running up scores and the like... I, for one, am very glad those discussions are gone forever. For those of you who were around back then and remember: I’m sorry. I was wrong. (PR: 18)
16. The Mart is having a career year for the Millers (1-7). I’ve only met that dude a handful of times over the years, but he strikes me as a pretty good dude. I wonder why he is The Mart. Is it because The Man was taken? And K-Mart was taken too? Say, is it a combo tribute nickname? If so, I’d have gone with ManMart. Or MartMan, and tell people I was bitten by a radioactive Mart… (PR: 17)
[writer’s note: stop reading now, that was the best joke of the week.]
15. These stupid birds keep building nests under my deck (Turdus Migratorius if you’re curious. No, I’m not making that up, “turdus”). I’ve knocked the nests down twice already. I genuinely feel bad doing it, but I can’t have a bunch of baby birds yapping outside my office window all summer… spring? What season is it? I dunno, anyways, I also feel bad ranking the Yankees (2-6) outside the top 10 again. It feels wrong. (PR: 16)
14. Sometimes I make great calls, and other times I predict the Mariners (3-7) to win a bunch of games. Did I jinx them? I feel bad. Kinda. I mean, they only have to go .500 the rest of the way to win the 17 games I predicted. That’s do-able. (PR: 13)
13. Everyone on the Blue Sox (3-7) has more HRs than me. If I were a BlueSok (what is the singular of “Sox?”), I’d be the only #DongBeltLess guy on the roster. (PR: 14)
12. My son recently became obsessed with whoopee cushions. I’m not sure why, or even how he knows they exist. The kid will wait in hiding, just to squeeze the thing and startle me. He’s put like a half dozen holes in it because he just abuses the stupid thing. As far as I know, he’s never used the thing properly. It’s annoying for sure, and for some reason I’ve spent way too much time repairing the stupid thing so he can continue to annoy me with it. That has nothing to do with the Marlins (2-4), but I wanted to share. (PR: 15)
11. Rubber Ducks (3-5). Early in quarantine I was really into Cobra Kai. I haven’t checked out season 3 yet… wait, I was going to do a bit where I was going to try and convince you I swapped Daddy’s pic online with a pic of William Zabka, but I am just now noticing Daddy played his first season with the Rustlers?? I honestly have no recollection of this team whatsoever. What the actual heck? I even played against these guys… Kids, it isn't fun getting old. (PR: 11)
10. Chops has always been on the [Racist team name] (4-6). I can only imagine the huge collection of team apparel he must have. Unlike my stupid closet full of jerseys, hoodies, and what not from a half dozen different teams. I’m dumb, I can’t even wear any of it or someone gets mad at me... (PR: 10)
9. Last week I told the Chihuahuas (5-5) to stop losing. They did. They didn’t hit enough bombas though. Do they still take callers on the pre-game show? (PR: 8)
8. Last week I mentioned how Tootin’ of the HRL Manatees (6-4) was sending me harassing texts telling me how bad I stink. And totally predictably, Tootin’ continued the harassment last week. Also totally predictable? They made me cry. Every time. (PR: 6)
7. I was at a friend’s house the other day. He has a kid, so it isn't weird to say that My Little Ponies was on TV. The weird thing, they were people. I did a little research, they’re something called Equestria Girls. I’ll be honest, I can’t even wrap my head around this. My Little Ponies… are people now… It reminded me of the Rumble Ponies (5-3), aka the Equestria Boys. Oh have mercy, I googled ‘Equestria Boys’ and it’s actually a thing. What is the world coming to?? (PR: 7)
6. Trash Pandas (6-3). Struggling with a nice way of saying, “enjoy your time in the top 10.” I’m sad to make this prediction, but… Pandas won’t be a top 12 team in a month. That is what you call a “Cold Take.” Maybe I’ll start a Twitter handle. What? Someone already does that. I’m sure it’s awesome… (PR: 12)
5. Gothams (1-1). Well, minus Webby and plus Dumpy. And if you didn’t see this “Gothams in the rankings” joke coming a mile away, you haven't been paying attention. Did I actually use that joke last year? or the season before? or both? (PR: na)
4. The Vibes (8-2) make me feel old. (PR: 3)
3. Crawdads (11-1) (PR: 1)
*Aw man… remember when I did the Marvel/Avengers themed rankings… Those were good. I used to be good. What the hell happened indeed?
2. Last week the Crawdads were #1. Last week the Americans (7-3) bested the Crawdads. Therefore, I believe it is the transitive law of mathematics which dictates that the Americans must therefore be better than the Crawdads… That was a lot of nonsense. Way to go KB! (PR: 5)
1. Mets (10-0). Nothing, I’m too busy patting myself on the back. (PR: 2)
Seriously, that’s all I have to show for about a half a day of my life. Apparently wiffleball isn't the only thing I’m struggling with now.