Oh boy. This is tough. I have a choice to make: get these rankings to Truck & Dee by 10:22am Thursday (for you, Thunderson) and “sorta” be on time, or risk turning them in “late” to write this intro which is usually just a self-serving way to talk about myself…ugh… I love myself, and talking about myself… This is hard (that’s what she said). Ugh, I have nothing to say… but that has literally NEVER stopped me before.
[For those of you at home, I’m literally just staring at my computer doing nothing. It’s been about 11 minutes so far.]
Okay. I guess you guys lucked out.
Time for jokes…
22. The Lugnutas. That was originally a typo, but I think I like it. Gives it a Latin flare… anyways, I haven’t so much as seen an empty Hamm’s can since the beginning of the season. It’s really ruining my summer. Umm, Lugnuts dropped two close ones to the Bears in a rare Sunday series… not sure why they didn’t go three, but what do I know. They get the Ducks and Millers at the Bowl (Hopkins, not Shakopee) this week… later this week. Today, actually… or maybe yesterday depending on when these post. (PR: 22)
19. The RED HOT Bears (2-10) are in the middle of a (franchise record?) winning streak now, with like 25 games left this month. Swept the Lugnuts over the weekend, got the Fish next. Facing former teammate, brother, karaoke partner, Professor and the Marlins. Could be interesting. (PR: 19)
18. Millers (3-?). Never did hear back about that Wendy’s/Subway date. I guess they’d rather hear about a lack of run support… The Millers didn’t get 10-runned by the ‘Dads last week, got the ‘Nuts and Yankees Thursday. (PR: 17)
17. Twins (4-13). Nelson has more homeruns than any non-Crawdad player in the HRL. Let that sink in. Although he finally didn’t hit a bomb against the Americans last week… The Twins have the Ponies and Riders in Eagan this week. (PR: 14)
16. Blue Sox (5-15). Baby Cakes are trekking to Hopkins this week. It’s a foul city about forty miles west of my place, so I texted the Blue sOx to see if they were up for a game 3. I figure, if I gotta go that far, we might as well make it worth my while. Before I even hit send on my text, I have a reply from Vlade, “F*** off.” Like, within seconds. He had that Gordon Ramsey meme locked, loaded, and ready to go. I’d have been hurt if I wasn’t so impressed. What happened next was about 40 minutes of TwoBat and Vlade insulting me, the city of Hopkins, me some more… They are very negative dudes, I think Eddie Bauer summed it up perfectly when he said they are the Statler and Waldorf of the HRL. Wow. They are both horrifying and impressive. Anyways, I miss you all, can’t wait to see you tonight. The Negative Sox split with the seamen last week… it’s been awhile since I used that one. Got the Cakes and Vibes Thursday. (PR: 18)
15. Marlins. What did you guys do to Cannablast? He isn't hitting homeruns every game anymore? What the heck? Fish split with the Ponies Monday, have the Bears on Thursday. (PR: 13)
14. Yankees. I don’t even know anymore. The Yanks crushed some ‘Nuts last week… meh… And they visit the Millers and Ducks on Thursday. I for one hope they crush the Ducks, however I wish nothing but the best for FaceTime! (PR: 15)
13. Pandas. The scheduling god didn’t do the Pandas any favors… did I just call Huck a god? Anyways, things have gotten tough for the Raccoons lately. They’ve dropped four in a row and now get Lulu and the ‘Cans and JC and the Mmmets this week at Lando Calrissian. Rough. (PR: 10)
12. Chihuahuas. Why does Murse drive from Rochester to play wiffleball in Hopkins? If you are already making way too long of a drive, at least play in the superior city. My goodness. And no more pre-game shows? Is Periscope still a thing? Someone with computer skills help the Doggies get back online. Anyways, AJizz introduced me to Andrew Chafin last night. That guy seems pretty hilarious. Chafin, not AJizz. The ‘Lil Dogs split with the superior talent of Eagan the week before last, get to host some more wifflers from the east side this week (Vibes, Cakes). (PR: 11)
11. Ducks. I think my new teammate, Twizzler (actually, nickname: TBD, Twizzler = Meh), said it best in a tweet, #FUrubberducks #andcasey. I don’t know who Casey is, but that guy sucks! The FURubberDucks split with Team Chops last week and this week host the ‘NutterButters and Yankeedoodles (why’d I do that? I don’t know). (PR: 12)
10. Team Chops. #ChopWatch. Chops currently has: 1297 hits… oh. I had much higher hopes at the start of that sentence. I mean, 1300 hits is nothing to sneeze at, but I thought I’d have a few more ‘almost there's’ for us… Well… maybe he could get to 10 career triples… Let’s try the Man… #ManWatch. The Man currently has… 696 RBI, 11 triples [insert suspicious look in The Man’s direction], 306 bombs… ok, some milestones. WOop! Good luck old dudes. Team ManChops split with the Ducks last week, don’t play this week. (PR: 9)
9. Ponies. I couldn’t land on anything remotely funny (hard to believe, right), so I will just leave these pictures here… cause why not?
Ponies had a four-game winning streak snapped by Box and the Fish, this week the Ponies host the Twins and ‘Dads. (PR: 8)
8. Manatees. Most of this team had better things to do than sweat with Nightmare last week. I can hardly blame them, I wouldn’t want to see me either. I did get some virtual trash talk from Tootin’ during the game though. That was nice. Almost like he was there with us. And not up north cause his lady made him skip wiffleball. Manatees got swept by the Cakes last week, hope to bounce back against the Mets and ‘Mericans this week. (PR: 6)
7. Riders. Where do we start? Riders on a 3-game winning streak (a longer win streak than the ‘Dads are on by the way). Webby and his new besties versus his old besties. Riders could throw Hjal or BabyJagr. I feel like H8R loves to hit against Webby… Screw it, bold prediction: Riders over ‘Dads. Take that! If I watched wiffleball games I wasn’t playing in, this might be one I’d check out. Oh yeah, and they play the Twins. (PR: 7)
6. Baby Cakes. All eyes on Twizzler this week as the rookie looks to make a splash against the sOx and Puppies. I’d write more, but it’s noon and I have to get on the road to drive to the Bowl (toilet, not Shakopee). And is it true Bunny’s no longer has tacos or wings? Or did Vlade lie to me to keep me away from his bar? Anyways, Hopkins is an awful place full of awful person (Vlade). Cakes swept the ‘Tees last week in the hot hot heat. (PR: 5)
5. Mariners. I told you I was going to do it. Now I expect the names of the guys you’re cutting on my desk first thing in the morning! Mariners Split with the sOx last week, have the Vibes and Cakes (next) Thursday. Ew and double ew. (PR: 16)
4. Team Emoji. My goodness, could the Americans use any more emojis in their tweets? I thought it would get easier over time, but just looking at their tweets make my eyes hurt (and not just because I’m not wearing my bifocals, ha ha, I’m old, very funny). Team Emoji swept the Twins last week and travel to beautiful Eagan Thursday to take on the Pandas and Tootin’s ‘Tees. (PR: 4)
3. Vibes. I’ve been so busy giving the Vibes grief for ruining Huck Finn or liking horrible beer that I forget they also win a lot of wiffleball games… But whatever, last week Epstein was really giving off some weird vibes (pun intended) and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but this morning I did. Marlon Brando, The Island of Dr. Moreau. Anyways, Vibes take their four game winning streak to Valley tonight to take on the Puppies and sOx… I wish it was Puppies IN sox. That would be the cutest sh** ever. (PR: 3)
2. CrawDads. What would people think of a talk show hosted by Smallpox? We want to call it, Smalltalk with Smallpox. Awesome idea, right? I just had another great idea, Griz is the Andy Richter, the Ed McMahon. Totally unnecessary, but an absolute blast to have along for the ride. (PR: 2)
1. Mets. I was watching Mets videos earlier this week (since no other teams post videos anymore…), I really enjoy how the Mets score from first. On pretty much anything hit past the pitcher’s mound. As the poet Jay-Z once said, “you can’t knock the hustle.” Man… Jay-Z used to be way better, right? (PR: 1)