By Nightmare (& Webby!) –
I honestly thought this was a bye week for the entire league until I saw Shipwreck across the street packing his crap in the car. Seriously, I needed a vacation from this. As you’re about to read, I am scraping the bottom of the barrel creatively. Scratch that, I have previously scratched through the bottom of the barrel and am now working with the stuff that was never even good enough to get into the barrel. It’s bad. Stop reading now and thank me later.
You’ve been warned.
Time for jokes…
Odds you laugh at any of the jokes this week… +25000.
(+20001) The Lugnuts (0-fer whatever). Is it just me, or does Franklin look like (a much older version of) the guy from Princess Bride? Inconceivable! (Previous Odds: +20000)
(+20000) Bears (2-17). Sully has begun training in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Sounds like he wants to rebrand as a Bad Ass Bear… meh. (PO: +20000)
(+9900) The Mariners (6-17). Why doesn’t the HRL sign an exclusive deal with Coach to make all of our jerseys? It just makes sense. First and foremost, we know every team would look fresh to death. Secondly, I have to imagine there are advantages to a large order… or many smaller orders… I don’t know, I just randomly came up with that idea… anyways, think about it. (PO: +8100)
(+9100) Twins (5-14). Anyone ever shop at K-Mart as a kid? Or as an adult. Remember the blue light specials? Anyways, I was thinking if we are going to do a #K-MartWatch (cause he’s about to get hit 900), we could call it a “blue light special.” That needs some work… Also, he could (probably) be the first hitter in HRL history to get both hit and strike out #900 in the same game! (PO: +9100)
(+8100) The Blue Sox (7-17) haven't played in two weeks. After tonight, they don’t play again for three weeks… yet their odds of winning the Cup increased… Webby’s figured it out. The best way for the sOx to improve is keeping Vlade off the field… meh. The secret to their success is doing anything other than play wiffleball… eh. There’s a hilarious joke here, I just am not funny enough to find it! (PO: +9900)
(+7300) The Millers (7-15) went on a nice little run, beating the Americans, Rough Riders, and Rumble Ponies. All teams with 12+ wins. My expert analysis tells me the Millers should move to Eagan for 2022 and make a run at a 20+ win season. Wait, I think I just implied Hopkins (the teams, not the trash city) is better than Eagan. (PO: +7300)
(+6500) Trash Pandas (7-12). Things have not been going well for the team with the best name in the league. Although they’ve been struggling as a team, Average Joe and pNut seem to be playing well in their rookie seasons. (PO: +6500)
(+5400) Yankees (10-13). Semi-bold prediction, the Yankees finish the season .500 or better. They don’t have an easy road to get there, but I think they make it happen. (PO: +5500)
(+5000) Team SanDaChops (9-11). I am pretty sure I said something like what I’m about to say as a bit a year or two ago, but… should we be worried about this team? Chez, Chops, and Daubs are locks every week, but looking long term… are they enough to keep this inappropriately named franchise going? Is this their last hurrah? Will they be able to bring in some new (more consistently attending) blood for 2022? So many questions… (PO: +4100)
(+4300) RubberDucks (9-9). The Ducks are in second place in Hopkins East. What happened to our divisions being named after post-game establishments? Did I miss that not being a thing anymore? Did we not post-game enough? Also, Face. What’s up, man? (PO: +3800)
(+4100) Marlins (11-12). Lot of ups and downs for the fish this year… I wanted that to end up as some sort of fishing joke, but just couldn’t make anything work… something about bobbing… bobbers? That’s a thing right? I don’t fish anymore. Obviously. (PO: +3500)
(+3700) The Manatees (14-13) are in a pretty interesting position, in a 3-way race with the Riders and Ponies (and potentially the Vibes) for a top-3 (or maybe 2) spot in Eagan… interesting. And it looks like only one more team on their schedule with a winning record… very interesting. This is getting to be a very sports-y edition of the rankings and not very funny… boo me! I warned you. (PO: +4700)
(+3300) Chihuahuas (11-9). As no Puppy has come forward to finish the final Natty Lemonades in my fridge, this franchise is official dead to me. Bang! (PO: +4300)
(+3200) Rumble Ponies (11-9). After crushing the Crawdads… The Ponies beat the Americans and then went toe-to-toe with the Mets… and almost didn’t lose. Ponies! What’s up?! (PO: +3200)
(+3000) Rough Riders (12-9). Both the horse teams went and played well in the bowl (the city, not the beautiful venue) last week. It is fun to see. I’m glad to see this team is finally as good as I thought it would be… a year ago. (PO: +3000)
(+1900) Vibes (16-6). As a rule, I don’t trust children. Of all the children I know, I trust Epstein the least… I’m not sure what’s going on, but something doesn’t seem right in Vibes country. I can’t put my finger on it, but somehow these kids are trying to be clever, or something. (PO: +1700)
(+1500) Americans (18-5). Dr. Dipshiz is having himself one heck of a year. That is all. (PO: +1400)
(+900) Crawdads (17-3). I love this team so much I hate them. And that is 100% jealousy and envy. (PO: +910)
(+770) Baby Cakes (19-3). You guys ever google, “the big lie?” Don’t bother, I’ll tell you what it is: Nightmare only has 1 error this year. Seriously, I probably average 1 error per inning I play the field. Keep better books, people! (PO: +880)
(+200) The Mets (23-1). Bold prediction: Mets drop 2 of their last ten… because I think they’ve already clinched a trip to the World Series. Someone check my math, but they have all the wins, right? (PO: +240)