Well, I WAS going to apologize for missing last week’s rankings. I WAS really sorry I didn’t post anything. I WAS even going to post two rankings this week to make up for it. But not anymore. Why?
Four… Four votes is all I got.
I only got four fun-star votes.
I am devastated.
And have you guys seen the list of “Fun” stars? It’s nothing short of an attack on fun. Why do you hate fun, HRLers?
Vlade and TwoBat, the league’s grouchiest and prickliest teammates – fun-stars. Dr. Dipsh**, known only for dipshi*tery (and you can’t even say his name in polite company) – fun-star. Ajizz, the league’s biggest beer tease – fun-star. Half Pint, who doesn’t bring donuts anymore, but does abuse senior citizens (sorry Palp) – fun-star. Hoover, a wonderful human being for sure, but ask yourself if you’ve ever even heard the guy talk, let alone say anything fun or funny – fun-star. Franklin, currently the league’s most prolific and aggressive cyberbully – fun-star. And don’t get me started on Sully. That dude… okay fine, that dude’s fricking awesome.
Sigh. That’s the best we could do?
But wait. Let’s look at Nightmare’s resume. What has he that’s worthy of fun-star votes?
Forty-three articles of comedy GOLD: check.
Bringing back the grab bag of booze: check.
Flying drones at the rink: check.
Chasing batters with a camera for sweet action shots: check.
Posting super sweet video mash-ups of 8-bit video games and HRL action: check.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m fricking fun. Why won’t you love me?
Anyways, it will take some time for me to recover from this betrayal. Some experts think I may never fully recover. Only time will tell. In the meantime, enjoy this article. As usual, it’s hilarious…
In all seriousness though, congrats to all the Fun-Stars, Noob-Stars, and All-Stars for your selections. I hope all of you (except Franklin) make it and enjoy what is always a really fun time.
Time for jokes…
[Oh wait, I forgot to transition into the theme for today’s rankings. It is, movies made before most of the league was born. That’s right, Nightmare’s favorite 80’s movies. Enjoy!]
(#20) The NeverEnding Story - The Lugnuts (winless). Franklin’s mouth is never ending… 1984, when this movie came out, is the last time Franklin was quiet for more than 5 minutes… Listening to Franklin drone on and on trying to be funny is more painful than watching the scene where Atreyu’s horse sinks in the swamp… (I told you: Comedy. Gold.)
(#19) Big – Da Bears (2-25). If I had one wish, it wouldn’t have anything to do with being big… it would be for me to be the one Half Pint hit her first homerun off of, instead of Palpatine, making Sully’s pre-season prediction come true. Well… no, it would be for a Shakopee Bowl-esque venue closer to my house. But my second wish—that would be for the Half Pint homerun. Nope, scratch that. Wish #1, the ability to hit bombs again. Wish #2, Woodbury Bowl Field. Wish #3, Half Pint Homerun.
(#18) Ghostbusters - Millers (8-21). I mean, did you see the video I did this week? It’s Miller time, baby! And since you asked: Dr. K would be Egon, KoL would be Winston, Bliss Jr. would be Ray, and The Mart would be Venkman.
(#17) The Outsiders - Mariners (8-22). Talk about a cast of dreamboats… see what I did there? Cause I used the word “boats,” it counts… I also could have gone the “ensemble cast” route, acknowledging the Mariner’s huge roster. Stay gold, Trent my boy. Stay gold.
(#16) Caddy Shack - Trash Pandas (8-17). Well, if I don’t include this movie in my list, the list will suck. So here it is… I don’t know what it has to do with the Pandas though… a gopher is basically a little raccoon, right? Anyways, this is Rodney Dangerfield at his best. So what? So let’s dance!
(#15) Rain Man - Twins (8-15). “K-Mart Sucks.” I mean, that’s not me. That’s from the movie. I totally disagree. I haven’t seen this movie in a long time, but I remember liking it. Kind of like most of the guys on the Twins, I haven't seen you in a long time, but I remember being very fond of you all…
(#14) The Princess Bride - Blue Sox (9-17). You want me to try to find the movie that is most likely to elicit a response from Vlade and the Blue Sox. As you wish. Anyways, I’ll admit I never really liked the movie, but I didn’t dislike it either. It seems like it’s always on cable, and I’ll always watch it, but I’d never seek it out. I have an odd relationship with the film. Speaking of odd relationships, I can’t even tell you how I feel about the Blue sOx…
(#13) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure - Marlins (11-17). So I’ve done a lot of carpooling with the Marlins. We live on the same side of town, or in the same cul-de-sac in Shipwreck’s case, and it just makes sense to ride together. And let me tell you, those rides are often adventures. Is Neut going to be ready on time? How many stops are we going to need to make before heading to Eagan? How many of Shippy’s kids are going to tell me their dad is better than me at wiffleball? (I never said they were exciting adventures)… And like Bill and Ted taking us through history teaching us about Socrates, Joan of Arc, Napoleon, etc., the Marlins have taught me a lot on our drives as well. One time, Box and Shippy taught me all about Bitcoins. Box is an encyclopedia on all things robots and goats (and music and math). Neut regularly gives full length law school lectures on the way to the fields… it’s oddly educational, and always hilarious.
(#12) The Goonies - Yankees (13-17). First and foremost, Goonies never say die. Now that we’ve established that, this team (like the movie) has a little of everything. A talented cast of characters who are fun to play with and be around (thanks in large part to a great fan base that comes to all their games). You can’t help but root for the Yankees (unless you're playing against them, of course). This is a classic franchise, and I predicted they’d make it back to .500 and I’m sticking with it. You know, cause Yankees never say die!
(#11) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - Manatees (14-15). Do I lay awake sometimes imagining a day of hijinks with my new best friend, Tootin? In those dreams, am I Cameron and Tootin’ is Ferris? Do I giggle with delight as Tootin’ impersonates Abe Froman, the sausage king of the Midwest? When he catches that foul ball, does he give it to me, cause I’ve never caught a foul ball at an MLB game? Yes. Yes. A million times yes! (Also, congrats on the engagement, bestie!!)
(#10) Clue - Team Sanchez (16-11). Well, this movie is legendary. That wasn’t always the case. It was not well received when it was first released, and has only gained popularity and cult status over time. I’ve been saying it for a couple years now: this team is underrated. And like the movie, has a great cast of characters, legends really, any of whom could steal the show at any given time. And have you seen their facial hair… I mean… I’m just putting it out there. It doesn’t have much to do with anything.
(#9) Coming to America - Chihuahuas (15-9). I just spent about ten minutes on IMDB reading through quotes from this movie, trying to find the perfect one, or at least my favorite. And you know what? I couldn’t do it. And as I’ve said before, I can’t pick my favorite lil puppy either. There’s too many great lines and players to choose from dammit! Oh wait, “it’s a damn shame what they did to that dog.” That one works.
(#8) The Karate Kid - RubberDucks (15-11). This one is easy: Zabka.
(#7) Stand By Me - Rumble Ponies (17-11). Hmm, something about the Ponies living a real life coming-of-age story within the league… Or something about me thinking that if any team was going to get together and go looking for a dead body, it would be the Ponies… Jeez, that’s dark! Oh, or inducing vomiting at a pie contest… maybe?
(#6) Raiders of the Lost Ark - Rough Riders (16-11). If we were casting Raiders with players from the HRL, I dare you to find a more perfect Indiana Jones than Hjal. I’ll wait. Rugged? Check. Looks good in a leather jacket and boots? Check and check. Handy with a whip? I don’t know, I assume so. Yeah… I don’t know how to make the transition, but watch out for this team, they are going to discover something this post season? Ugh, awful. Dig up some wins? That’s worse.
(#5) Top Gun - Americans (20-9). You know what? I’ve never seen it. I have no idea what its deal is, but it seems like a movie that would be on Thunderson’s list of his all-time favorite movies. And it seems real American-y. Isn’t it just like, pro-military propaganda or something? Anyways… That’s why I’m making the comparison. It’s definitely NOT because I want to see them recreate that volleyball scene… or is it?
(#4) Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Vibes (19-7). Is it because most of the Vibes act like they’re still in high school? Is it because I’m sure the Vibes have never seen the movie and I want to encourage them to go watch something that isn’t TikTok or Vine or whatever the kids are into these days? Is it because FishHook has been giving off major Jeff Spicoli vibes lately? I don’t know, but I do know, people on ‘ludes should not play wiffleball. (I am not implying the Vibes are on ‘ludes, it’s from the movie, relax!)
(#3) Die Hard - Baby Cakes (24-4). Umm, if you have never noticed, my team will ALWAYS be compared to my favorite item on the list. Today, that is Die Hard, the greatest action movie ever made. And if you disagree, you’re wrong. And because you asked: I’d be Sargent Powell, Pooh Bear would be Hans Gruber, HOV would be John McClane, Palp would be Theo, and Psych would be Karl.
(#2) The Breakfast Club - Crawdads (22-3). It would be crazy for me to write an article telling you who I think they are. We see them as we want to see them, in simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. One of them is the brain (Webby)… and an athlete (Baby Face)… and a basket case (Smallpox)… and a princess and a criminal (Griz is both, hi buddy!).
(#1) The Empire Strikes Back - Mets (29-1). Hmm… The Ducks this year wear jerseys that say, “Defeat the Empire.” Most of the Ducks played with the Mets last season. Are the Mets the Empire and the Ducks out for revenge? The Mets ARE evil and should be defeated… I dunno. And I also don’t know why this entry on the Mets turned out to be more about the Ducks…