By Nightmare aka “Mr. Hopkins” –
***BREAKING NEWS***
Nightmare is OUT this week against the RubberDucks. Update your fantasy wiffleball rosters accordingly. I’ll wait. Just kidding, no one has me on their fantasy team, so let’s keep moving.
So, this week I am missing my first regular season game since July 17, 2017. I’m not going to lie, it sucks. I hate missing wiffleball. I hate it so much I hoped the bride would come to her senses and cancel the wedding. I hate it so much I hoped COVID rates would jump up and cause the wedding to be delayed (again). I hate missing wiffleball so much! It sucks!
Ahem. Sorry for the outburst.
So, I got to thinking, what was going on in 2017? What was happening in the world the last time Nightmare missed a regular season game?
[Nightmare opens his web browser, heads to google and types in, “news events 2017.” Clicks. Scrolls. Scrolls some more. Scrolls some more.]
Oh no.
Wildfires #MeToo, Charlottesville, mass shootings, hurricanes, Mueller investigation, terrorism… Jeez.
Ok. It’s been DEEcided, Nightmare missing a game is NOT a good sign. I’m not Antoine Dodson, but hide yo’ kids. Hide yo’ wife. Nothing good is going to happen. You’ve been warned.
So on that note… yikes. Umm, let’s keep this light. And quick.
Time for jokes…
22. Trash Pandas (0-2). I’m not sure you can fairly judge a team after week one when less than half the squad shows up… but am I going to do it anyways? That’s why I’m here. Pandas are on a bye this week and get the Vibes next week. Ouch.
21. Lugnuts (0-2). ‘Nuts dropped two to the Marlins last week. Am I surprised? Not really, but a couple “interesting” notes: the ‘Nuts only K’d four times in two games and gave up zero bombs. They have the Vibes this week… they’ll probably give up a bomb… or… 6. I predict they’ll give up 6 bombs… game 1. Assuming Franklin goes game 1. [note: Franklin was upset with me after last week’s rankings. He said if I thought his harassment was bad before, to just wait and see what he comes up with next. So… yeah… I got that to look forward to. Is it hard to change one’s phone number? Asking for a friend.]
20. Blue Wahoos (0-3½). The Wahoos have: 1) potential; 2) a lot of learning to do; and 3) a guy who looks just like a young Boom (BA, I think?). He should be rebranded: Baby Boom? Lil’ Boom? Boom Jr., ‘BJ’ for short? Anyways, they were on their way (I think) to dropping two to the Mets before getting rained out. The young Wahoos look for their first win this week against the Mariners.
19. Bears (0-0). I’m not 100% sure, but I think they’ve added a couple players since I last checked… What happens if all 13 Bears show up against the Braves this week? Maybe they split the squad, half the team plays each game?
18. Mariners (0-4). Mariners dropped two to the Hoppers in the rain. The Seamen don’t play well when it’s wet? The Seamen bats don’t like it wet? I don’t know, I’ll do better next time. I know there’s a joke there, but I can’t figure it out. Mariners play the Blue Wahoos this week, a lot of young talent, could be fun.
17. Twins (0-2). Was I the only one hoping Nelson would come out of the gates on fire last week? I hope not. The Twins take on the Millers this week (and the Ducks on Monday). Here’s hoping Nelson goes yard a few times. Each game. Maybe I should get him on my fantasy team…
16. Blue Sox (0-2). The Sox play the Chihuahuas this week. I hope they have pleasant weather and cold beer. [note: Vlade hasn’t said anything negative about me this season (yet). I’m really trying to keep it that way.]
15. Rumble Ponies (0-2). Bold prediction: Ponies losing streak ends this week against the Americans. And don’t forget about Benny. Benny. Benny and the… rest of the ponies… Meh. But if he ever goes to the Mets, watch out!
14. Yankees (0-0). Yankees finally get to start the 2022 season. Against the Baby Cakes. Not an easy start, but I’m sure Rocket will have the ‘Yanks ready for the challenge. Bold prediction (I guess I’m doing predictions now…): Yankees split with the Baby Cakes.
13. Rough Riders (1-3). They… beat the Vibes? Is that right? I feel like I’ve occasionally said the Riders could beat anyone, but… I guess I didn’t believe it. The Vibes? Really? Well, that will move them up the rankings… I guess. Did it? I forgot where they were last week. Also, Keeks? I think this kid has had more nicknames than he’s got career hits. Jeez.
12. Marlins (3-1). The Fish are in first place! Granted, it’s only week 3. Granted, they played the ‘Nuts for half their games. Granted, 40% of their division is yet to play a game. Granted… I don’t remember where I was going with this… Marlins play the Braves this week for the division lead.
11. Millers (2-0). Millers get the Twins this week… It’s hard to come up with anything “clever” for a team that’s been off for a week. Uh, I guess I could make another bold prediction: Giants will have their best start to a season in franchise history (3 wins).
10. Chihuahuas (2-0). Chihuahuas look to continue their ‘Winning Without Wish’ tour this week against the Blue Sox. I think they probably will.
9. Hops (0-2). Hops dropped two to open the season. I hope they at least hit a ton of majestic bombs… what? Oh. Hopefully, at the very least, the beer was cold. Hops v Marlins this week! Not-that-bold prediction: Tootin’ hits more bombs than the Marlins.
8. Americans (0-2). I hope Thunderson and Dr. Shipdit are back this week. The Americans look to get to .500 against the Ponies Thursday.
7. Baby Cakes (4-0). This seems a really low ranking for a 4-0 team, but… how do I say this without being mean? I want to see them beat a team they couldn’t 10-run. This might be the week. They get the Yankees.
6. Rubber Ducks (2-0). The Ducks get their division “rival” the Grasshoppers on Thursday. I can’t wait to watch the highlights if/when Stache gets around to posting them. So, I had a whole bit about me not playing and the fantasy implications, but then I went and wrote the intro. So… yeah. Umm… next.
5. Braves (3-1). Braves sweep the Hops, look to continue their winning ways against Truck and da’ Bears this week. #WatchSanchez: 593HR (holy crap), 1293 RBI (even holier crap).
4. Vibes (1-1). Ummm. So… You ever start googling stuff? Like, “oh that’s interesting, I wonder what that’s about?” And sometimes you end up in weird places? Well, I do. And long story short, Che bambola, (“Hey Doll”) the song from the Vibes’ jersey “release” video… Ummm… the lyrics… pretty… basically… ummm, the whole song is about harassing a woman on the street late at night. Like… that’ weird, right? I totally expected “Bombola” to be something about… bombs or something… else.
3. Grasshoppers (4-0). This team is…
We’ll see how good after they play a good Ducks team without fantasy… eligible player, Nightmare.
1. Aces (2-0) and Mets (3 ½ - 0). These two juggernauts collide Thursday to compete for my #1 ranking. Nice. I think there are two key factors that will determine who wins this series. First, Mrs. Webby (Hi!). She controls Webby, which… I think… indirectly means she controls the Aces (and the league). Yeah, it checks out: she’s the most powerful woman in wiffles. Second, the weather. Both teams have a stud (or two) who like to parade around the rinks topless, like they’re working for tips and a light drizzle sends the Mets running for shelter… any cold or rain seriously impacts these two teams… As of whenever I’m writing this, the forecast Thursday is for decent weather… and I haven’t seen any indication Mrs. Webby is keeping her man at home, so I think it’ll be a couple great games… Advantage: Aces.