By Nightmare –
The youth are impatient. The youth don’t need watches because everything is ‘Now!’ This is not a hot take, of course, but I am reminded of it as I look at a text message from a young member of the HRL, “would love to see a new power rankings.” I can hear the smarmy smile just looking at it. This youth… who raised him?
My friend, just because you were on SportsCenter, doesn’t mean you get to rush my process.
Anyways… If you read these even semi-regularly, you know THE annoying, confusing youth in my life is my son. He’s 8. He plays baseball. He’s built like a Mack truck. And he’s been playing wiffleball with me since he was old enough to hold a bat. That’s what you need to know for this story.
Oh, one more thing you need to know: he LOVES watching wiffleball videos… almost as much as I do. Obviously, his favorite player is… Mippey. The guy is a star, what can I say? His second favorite, without a doubt… is HOV. That guy is electric! Anyways, I’m a distant third (I hope). So, blah blah blah, Nightmare, make with the funnies…
So, anyways, it’s the boy’s first at bat with his new summer team the other night. It’s time to show his teammates and coaches what he’s made of. And what does he do? The kid hits a TANK. A BLAST. A MOONSHOT. Sure, he’s 8 and it probably wasn’t that far of a hit, but it cleared the outfielders and was the longest hit of the night. And it wasn’t even close.
Yay Nightmare’s kid! Right?
Wrong. Rather than hustle out the hit, or even start a homerun trot, my kid pimped his “homerun.” First he stood there admiring it. Then he slowly took a few steps towards first, pointing at the sky. First, it was funny. Then it was less funny. Then it was dumb… then it got a little embarrassing. I don’t know where the kid got this stupid behavior from, but I don’t care for it. Not one bit. Act like you’ve been there, kid. Seriously. These youths… SMH. End result: single, getting to second by virtue of throwing errors. Sigh.
So, what’s my point? I don’t know if I have one. I just got to thinking about the youths. This is their game that we’re playing, and they’re stuck watching… and they pay attention. They’re taking everything in, all the time. And even though the youth can be VERY annoying, I’m glad I (we) can share this with them. Me and my son are playing in Mippey’s Opening Day tournament in a couple weeks, and I hope it’s just the first of many wiffle experiences we get to share together. Cause those memories are huge. And maybe one day maybe my kid can grow up and be on SportsCenter, or at the very least, annoy much older HRLers with his texts messages.
But for goodness sake, I gotta figure out where he learned this HR pimpin’ crap from and put an end to it.
. 
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Unless it’s a bomb off franklin. I’ll pimp that shiz to the MOON!
Time for jokes…
22. Trash Pandas (0-2). They didn’t play last week, so there was really no possible way to move up. That sort of sucks. For them. And for the Luggos, who love being 22. Wow, the start the season with the Cakes, then get the Vibes… no fun. Thanks Huck… jeez.
21. Blue Wahoos (0-5½). Is it just me (it isn’t) or if the Wahoos could figure out how to pitch, would they instantly be trouble? I haven’t seen much of them, but they seem to be scoring a few more runs than a rookie team “should.” For example, my favorite Chihuahuas never scored more than 3 runs in their first ever ten games, but these guys have. They get the Aces tonight… I don’t predict a huge night, offensively, but if they scratch together a few runs, I wouldn’t be too surprised either.
20. Lugnuts (0-4). I promised Franklin if they beat the Vibes I’d rank them number 1. They didn’t beat the Vibes. It wasn’t even close. I did move them up the rankings though. Mostly because they were enjoying #21 almost as much as they enjoy #22.
19. Bears (0-2). If you haven’t already, and even if you have, watch Truck’s latest video. It’s pretty great and, truthfully, kind of makes me embarrassed of the stuff I crank out. Thanks a lot, Truck. Professor and Cannanablast take on their former team, the Marlins this week.
18. Yankees (0-2). Obviously not the start they were hoping for, but I don’t know… are the Yankees struggling, or are the Baby Cakes that good? Or maybe it is a little of both? Yankees look to bounce back this week versus the Hops.
17. Blue Sox (0-4). … sigh… the sombreros… nah.
16. Rumble Ponies (0-4). I wonder if the Ponies miss Eagan yet? I hope not. Eagan sucks, bruh. The Ponies take on the BlueSox this week.
15. Twins (1-5). The live stream the other night was awesome. It was super cool how pissed off I got. Just like with the real Twins, the HRL Twins really let me down late in games. Come on fellas, close out a game!
14. Mariners (2-4). I still don’t understand why this team doesn’t win more often. It’s like… there’s a missing piece I just can’t identify. I’m not saying they’d go out and win it all, but they always kinda end up at what, a dozen wins? That seems low. Diddy, I decided you will fix it. Mariners win at least 15 games this year. Do it. Do it now. Start this week, against the Americans!
13. Rough Riders (1-3). I don’t even know why I’m going to bother writing anything here. If I say anything negative, they’ll go sweep the Braves. If I talk them up, they’ll get blown out. So… if I say nothing they’ll split?
12. Hops (1-3). If I’d have stayed in Eagan, I’d have been a Hops… a Hop? Whatever. It wasn’t an option, no offer received, but I wanted to put that out there. Why do I mention that now? Cause I have nothing else to say about them right now. Tootin! Oh yeah, and they play the Yankees this week.
11. Marlins (4-1). So, Yak… Last year, hitting = OK, pitching = not so much. This year, pitching = pretty good, hitting = not so much. Got it. I mean, if the Marlins keep this up, they’re right in the thick of it for a wildcard. It’s early, I know… but honestly, I didn’t think they’d be in the conversation this “late” into the season. Marlins take on the Bears this week.
10. Millers (3-1). So, this will be the first week I play a team who offered me a roster spot and who I rejected. And I have an absolutely abysmal record hitting both Bliss Jr. and Dr. K. Is this week going to be awkward? Yup. And on top of that will I probably go 0-fer? Yup again. Sigh. I should have missed this week instead.
9. Americans (2-2). The Americans are undefeated with Thunderson in attendance. Will that continue against the Mariners this week?
8. Rubber Ducks (4-2). If you haven’t gotten the chance to listen to Stache’s latest podcast, here’s a guest review from Jake Fish of the Grasshoppers: Stache talks trash about two rookies even though he went 0-8 and took an L on the mound that night. Also, where are those highlights? Quack Quack with the footage, friend!
7. Chihuahuas (4-0). I like the Chihuahuas. Not as much as when they had The Wish, but now they have an Air Bud. He’s pretty good too. Just how good? We’ll see when they play the Mets this week.
6. Braves (5-1). Who is this Scrabble character? Where’d he come from? I feel like I’m late to the party on this guy. I’m very curious… Let’s see if he stays hot this week against the RoughRiders.
5. Vibes (3-1). I really like the Vibes. They only drop in the rankings because they got HOV’d. And they played the Lugnuts last week, which… I mean, you know. It’s Franklin. Vibes look to take out the Trash… Pandas this week. Meh.
4. Baby Cakes (6-0). Week 1 Power Rankings 2021, I told you to watch HOV. I knew the kid was going to be good. I knew he’d take a step to be a real solid player. I was wrong. HOV is not a real solid player, he is the real deal. WOW!
3. Grasshoppers (6-0). According to Stache, Grasshoppers can’t be number 2 because we “haven’t played the Mets or the Aces yet.” I mean… I make up the rankings, I should be able to rank the Hoppers wherever I want… but I have to admit, that bit actually made some sense.
2. Mets (3 ½ - 2). Mippey, you were also on the podcast. That alley-oop to the “negative five” target at Wifftoberfest… yeah, that was me. And it lost us the game… Well, your fantasy wiffleball team sucks! Anyways, I still like the Mets. A lot. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, but basically, I watch all their videos (with my kid), and I’m yet to see the intensity I saw when they came back from down 2 games to win the World Series… so, I guess I’m saying, as good as they are, they can be better. I’m not banishing them to Wifflepalooza just yet. They get the Pups this week.
1. Aces (4-0). Mippey said that whoever won the series last week got to be #1 in the rankings… And I don’t want to make him a liar, but this tweet made me laugh out loud. Like, I’d have kept the Mets at #1 just for how hard it made me laugh. For a really, really long time. The fact it only has one like is surprising… especially since I have like four burner accounts… Aces, be nice to the Wahoos this week.
