By Nightmare –
Do yourself a favor. Stop. Right now. Stop reading. Do yourself a favor, don’t waste any reading this week. It’s bad. The below content only exists so that if by some miracle anything I say comes true, I can circle back around at the end of the summer and Tootin’ my own horn.
I’m sorry.
But not really, you get what you pay for.
And for your zero dollars and zero cents, you get one (or more) bold (or not so bold) prediction for each team.
Time for jokes…?
22. Blue Wahoos (0-7½) will win at least ten games this season (including Wifflepalooza). They start their blue reign of terror this week against the BlueSox (TwoBat will blame the loss(es) on residual gastrointestinal issues from his hot wing challenge).
21. Trash Pandas (0-2) will only play one quarter of their games, or the Pandas will have all their games postponed until the last quarter of the season. Clearly, mother nature hates the Pandas, and she’s conspiring to keep these fine folks from having a season this year. They probably won’t actually get to play the Yankees this week.
20. Lugnuts (0-4) will set a franchise record for wins (3) this season. Twizzler will pitch in two of those wins. None of those wins will come against a Hopkins opponent… or against the Braves this week.
19. Blue Sox (0-6) will win more games in Palooza and the playoffs than they do during the regular season. They play the Wahoos next.
18. Bears (0-4). The Bears get to double digit regular season wins for the first time in franchise history… I know, I predict that every season. Ummm, I’ve never predicted Trucks 200th career dinger. Or Sully’s 100th. Or Half Pint’s fifth! I’m doing it now though. LFG Bears!
17. Twins (1-5). K-Mart is going to have a great year. He’ll win 10 games on the mound, strikeout the 1800th batter in his career, and get his 1000th career hit and 700th career RBI. However, most of that will start next week, because this week he gets the Aces.
16. Rough Riders (1-5) will win 20 games… and this is after they start 1-5 and gave up 33 last week to the Braves. Wow. Hopefully they’ll give up fewer runs this week against the Bears… or maybe not hopefully. Yeah, hopefully they give up even MORE. I’d love to see Sully hit a half dozen dingers this week.
15. Hops (1-5). Hmmm… I have to write something about Tootin’ or he won’t read the article… Even though he misses half the season to get married, he will lead the team in HRs and beers consumed. Ugh. I’m sorry. That was awful.
14. Yankees (2-2). Yankees will win more than 20 games and be in the running for the Eagan wild card. The winning will hopefully (for them) continue Thursday against the Pandas.
13. Rumble Ponies (2-4) will adjust to Hopkins and set franchise records for wins, team average, HRs, and runs scored. I don’t know what any of those numbers are, and I’m too lazy to look. Ponies look to continue their winning ways against the Millers later this week.
12. Mariners (3-5) will finish .500 for the first time in franchise history. Diddy will lead the team in bombs, Taylor is ROY, Coach bests his season RBI total by a dozen. Splish splash, they’ll try and start this week against the Ducks in a watery matchup (meh).
11. Millers (3-3). Bliss Jr. gets the run support he deserves and sets a career high for wins (7, which is absurdly low given his talent). And holy cow, Dr. K has over 1250 career Ks on the mound and is #10 in league history. That’s incredible and came as a surprise to me. I guess then I’ll predict he hits 1300 this year
10. Marlins (6-2). The Marlins will have four players hit 10+ bombs for the first time since 2017 (Catfish, Pikachu, Box, and TT) and only the second time in franchise history (13 seasons). After sweeping Da Bears last week, the red hot Marlins take on the Vibes this week. And who the heck was Pikachu? I don’t even remember that nickname…
9. Americans (3-3). Aside from the 2020 Covid season, the Americans/Diamondbacks have won 25 games four seasons in a row. Even after their average start, I think they get to a franchise high 26 wins. Perhaps things start to turn around this week against the Mmmmets.
8. Rubber Ducks (4-2). The Rubber Ducks will get to play a team in the Playoffs that isn’t the Mets. After a ten-day nesting period (cause they’re Ducks, get it?), Stache and the Ducks take on the Mariners this week.
7. Chihuahuas (4-0) will win their first ever Division title. After a rain out last week, the lil’ Pups take on the Hoppers this week.
6. Baby Cakes (6-2) won’t lose back-to-back games again for the rest of the season.
5. Braves (7-1). Braves make the City Finals… that doesn’t seem that bold… the Braves make the City Finals and will have to play a Hopkins team to make the World Series… bolder. After sweeping the Rough Riders on Monday, the Braves hope to put up a few more touchdowns on Franklin and the Lugnuts on Thursday… also, Sanchez is only a couple bombs from #600, I hope he’s got a GoPro running for that!
4. Vibes (5-1) won’t make the playoffs. Just kidding, that’s ridiculous. The Vibes will make the playoffs and Kar will finish with the best ERA on the team (currently 2.00).
3. Grasshoppers (8-0). What sort of prediction can I make about my own team that doesn’t risk jinxing us… fudge… Oh, I know, Griz and Smallpox will both drink more beers at the rinks this year, than they have their entire careers (combined). From what I’ve seen so far, that’s probably like a six pack… between the two of them… sigh… better go grab some MGDs! Or whatever they drink. It’s not Miller Lite, I know that…
2. Mets (3 ½ - 2). The Mmmets bounce back in a huge way and don’t lose again until… August.
1. Aces (6-0). What can I say about the team that has everything? Hmm… They won’t go undefeated. Wow. I’ve just given up now, haven’t I? Yes. Yes, I have. Also, who cares? Hmm. Dumpy cares… he actually reads these… oh well, too bad. Hi Dumpy!