By Nightmare –
Truck. Palpatine. Bliss. Torpedo. Jagr. Professor. And now Nightmare.
What have all these guys got in common?
They’re all handsome? Certainly, but that’s not it.
They’re all really old? Most definitely, but that isn’t it either.
They’ve all gotten to play “competitive” wiffleball with their kids. I know Factor Field doesn’t count, but it’s all I’ve got, and I loved every minute of it.
As such, I’m announcing my retirement. I will be retiring at the end of the 2032 season. I’ll play one year with my boy, and then I’m out.
Just kidding. I’m never leaving.
Time for jokes…?
22. Blue Sox (0-6). I listened to every minute of the Game of the Week broadcast, multiple times. Vlade and TwoBat, you know that was being recorded right? And you said some very hurtful things about Nightmare. Granted, almost all of it was true… but come on, my kid was watching! Just kidding, he wasn’t. But he might have been! So your punishment: #22. Also, you have to play the Aces… I’m sure you’ll love that.
21. Trash Pandas (1-5). I think there’s an issue with the website. I see about ten people on the Pandas’ roster, but there are only stats for three of them… weird. Anyways, the Pandas are actually getting to play some games, that’s good. They split with Franklin and his ‘Nuts last week, that’s great! They get the Braves next.
20. Lugnuts (1-7). Pack it up. We’re done. Franklin won a game. Eagan, how could you allow this? Anyways, the ‘Nuts get the Baby Cakes this week… I’m not optimistic for the Lugnuts. Franklin, I’m sure will let me know how well he did though.
19. Bears (1-7). I’ve seen a lot more Bears wiffleball this season than I would have expected. And that’s not a bad thing. Although I really thought they’d have a couple more wins at this point in the season.
18. Hops (1-5). This is a talented team, but they aren’t winning. I can only assume that they are getting so black out drunk they can’t see straight, therefore can’t hit the ball, or the board, and therefore aren’t winning. Can someone please confirm? I also noticed they’re tweeting about Eagan pre-games? LOL. Those aren’t a thing.
17. Twins (2-9). Is it just me, or are the Twins playing in more close games this year? I think San-chez nailed it (in his podcast, I’d post a link, but if you go to the league website it’s taking up literally the whole front page), when he said K-Mart’s trying to avoid falling below .500 in his career. And I like K-Mart, and want him to do well, so I hope he succeeds… at being just slightly better than average… it just occurred to me, I’ve been playing in Hopkins for almost two months now, and I haven’t seen the Twins once. What’s up with that?
16. The Blue Wahoos (1-10½) are good and T Sea is my new favorite rookie (sorry Cakes and Jake Fish). It was almost 3 years ago exactly that after playing the Chihuahuas, I recognized the talent and I alone predicted great things for them. At that point, the Pups were 0-7, and finished 19-20. I don’t know if I can predict that sort of turnaround for the Wahoos, given their attendance… inconsistencies, but they will finish strong and officially have me rooting for them.
15. Rough Riders (3-5). I have no idea… Are the Riders trying to accomplish anything besides getting H8R to 400 bombs? Also, they got two guys on the team named Jagr and Mehoff. “Jagr Mehoff.” I laughed out loud. (Because Jagr looks like “Jag”).
14. Yankees (5-3) have won five of their last six. Not to Tootin’ my own horn here, but I did tell them to stop having fun and start winning… like, right before they started winning. So, you’re welcome. Yankees split with the Bears last week and take on the original fish this week at Sky Hill.
13. Rumble Ponies (4-4). After a brief adjustment period, it looks like the Ponies are finding a groove in Hopkins. Fifty runs (or maybe more, I’m bad at math) in the last two weeks. That’s good, right? Ponies have won four straight and have the equally hot Seamen up next (ick). And also, props on the videos.
12. Millers (3-5). Now is NOT the time to panic. Sure, losing five in a row sucks, but [looks at their upcoming schedule]… well, hopefully it’ll be nice weather. I’m still going to stick with my predictions from last week. I forget exactly what I said, but I still think Bliss Jr. wins 8 games this year and his teammates continue with the run support.
11. Marlins (6-4). So, what I’ve learned today is that the Blue Wahoos are an affiliate of the Marlins. And both are fish. Therefore, ergo, hitherto… they should have some sort of battle (thanks for the idea San-chez and Stache). Like, “fish fight night,” or something. I dunno, but they have til next week to figure it out.
10. Mariners (5-5). Do Seamen surge? Well, these ones do… or are… ew. You may remember me predicting the Mariners would finish .500. That was only like 2 weeks ago… and they’ve won like five times since then. I may have to update that prediction to something better. These sailors are on fire, having won 5 of their last 6, including a sweep of the Ducks last week. They have the also-hot PonyBoys up next.
9. Americans (3-5). Something seems off with the Americans this year. I’m not blaming Average Joe Peach Fuzz and pNut… but this team didn’t lose their fifth game until mid-June last year. Just sayin’… Anyways, I’m keeping them in my top 10, because I have faith in my boy Knooty Booty… and I feel like they’ve had a tough schedule so far this season… but we’ll see. They got swept last week by the Mmmets and have the Twins this week.
8. The Chihuahuas (4-2) are no longer undefeated. They were swept by the Grasshoppers last week. Luckily for them, the other teams in their division lost 8 games last week, so they’re still on top of Hopkins East. I still think the Pups can win this division, but I’m starting to think it’s going to be a close race.
7. Rubber Ducks (4-4). Are looking to find some buoyancy… no… that’s awful. They’re pretty up and down, which is not ideal. I think Stache is just setting up his season so that he can write another novel (that I also won’t read) about the next greatest comeback in sports…. They have the Pups this week, I predict a split.
6. Baby Cakes (6-2). After getting swept last week, the Cakes take on the red hot Lugnuts… I’m sure this will be a battle… I hope everyone knows I’m not at all serious. Oh, and get HOV-y into your fantasy line-ups… the kid man is going to go ‘Nuts this week. (see what I did there? Comedy).
5. Braves (9-1). If the Braves aren’t panicking, they should be. They only beat Franklin and his ‘Nuts by 14 runs over two games. The top teams in the league, which the Braves certainly could be, are beating Franklin by double-digits per game… hey Braves, let’s turn it up a notch, okay?
4. Vibes (7-1) haven’t played recently. And they don’t play this week. So… yeah. Moving right along…
3. Mets (5½ -2). Can we all just take a moment to acknowledge what a great guy Mippey is? I know I’ve said that before (because I was trying to get on the Biscuits), but I actually mean it this time. Great guy, great family. The rest of the Mets? Great by association. These great guys swept the less great Americans last week, and have the Millers (also great, but slightly less so than Mippey) this week.
2. Grasshoppers (12-0). [Putting on my legitimate columnist who is entirely objective hat.] This team might be good.
1. Aces (8-0). Ugh. Just looking at the Aces’ pitching stats makes my batting average go down. Hmmm. There’s a joke there… Looking at the Aces’ pitching stats makes my batting average limp… I dunno. This team isn’t doing what I thought it would offensively, but that pitching… yeesh. And somehow we missed that Webby struck out his 1500th batter this season and is only 10 bombs away from 350 in his career. We should do a podcast or something that addresses career milestones…