By Nightmare –
Is anyone else tired of pulling up the HRL homepage and seeing Stache’s face? Or is that just me?
Time for jokes…
22. Trash Pandas (1-7). Well… ummm… yeah… so… I mean, at least you get #22 now, which means the Nuts can’t have it. So… you got that going for ya. Pandas dropped two to the Braves last week and hope things go a lot better this week against the Ponies and Puppies.
21. Lugnuts (1-9). Franklin texted me, excited to be a top 20 team for the first time ever(?), so… I had to put an end to that. Just like HOV and the Cakes put an end to the Nuts’ winning streak… (meh). Anyways, Hoover and the ‘Nuts travel to Harley to showcase their “talents” against the Sox and Americans this week.
20. Bears (1-7). Truck has been putting together some pretty great videos this season… I wonder if that means the year-end/long videos are making a comeback this year? I hope so. I once dreamed I could do such a thing, but alas, I haven’t that kind of talent like Truck… Bears split with the Yankees and host the lil’ pups and ponies this week at Sky Hill.
19. Twins (2-11). I WANT to have something snarky to say… but I just can’t. Swept by the Americans last week, and are off this week.
18. Hops (2-6). Groundskeeper Willie should spend less time keeping grounds and more time managing his wiffleball team, am I right? (ick). Anyways, the Hops need to do something… I don’t like that they aren’t winning. Maybe try drinking more. After splitting with the Riders last week, the Hops cascade to Hopkins to take on the Millers and Mariners (cascade = variety of hops).
17. Blue Wahoos (1-10½). Wahoos were off last week and make their first trip to Eagan this week to face the old fish and the old horses (and Keeks). Bold prediction: Wahoos first sweep tonight… probably not, but whatever, I’m really struggling for things to write today…
16. Marlins (6-6). I was cruising through the hood last weekend and ran into a couple toughs playing basketball, showing off their physical prowess… Ok, I was driving through the beautiful suburb of Woodbury and saw Yak and Neut playing basketball… they both look healthy, which is good, because the old fish have been… well, old… and injured and sick and now the once red hot Marlins are cooling off, losing four in a row, including two last week to the Yankees. They get the other, younger fish this week (Wahoo) as well as the Ducks… hey, more water teams!
15. Blue Sox (3-10). I’m going to take back what I said about the Blue Sox winning more post-season than regular season games. They’ve stopped giving up double-digit runs every week and are playing some close games. They’re hitting over .300 as a team, including former batting champ Vlade, and… I think they could win their division… even though they dropped two last week (to the Aces). I think they bounce back this week though, against the Nuts and Braves.
14. Millers (3-7). Dropped another couple to the Mets, no run support… and the Mart took a wiffleball to his actual balls… I hope he’s feeling better because the Millers will need him versus the Cakes and Hops tonight.
13. Rough Riders (4-6). As usual, I don’t know what to say about the Riders. H8R and Jagr are playing like its 2012 again, a guy who has a .200 career batting average is hitting over .400, Little Dumpy is showing signs of life, I have no idea what a Mehoff is or where it came from, and Hjal is nowhere to be found… I don’t know what this team is about, or what they’re doing, or what they are capable of. The Mystery Riders (remember that old show?) split with the Hops last week and take on the Ducks and Wahoos this week at Carnelian.
12. Yankees (7-3). Ahh, my old nemesises… nemeni? What is the plural of “nemesis?” Anyways, the “fun” Yankees who grill and lose wiffleball games are gone, and the 20+ wins every season Yankees have returned. The Yankees who have always had my number (and cool purple jerseys) are in the building. They’re back… and just in time to come visit me in Hopkins. I can’t wait. Just kidding, feel free to bring the grill and play a lob ball game!
11. Braves (11-1). So, partially this ranking is due to my kid’s team (also the Braves) getting absolutely MANHANDLED last night. They were so awful, any team with the same name needs to be dropped in the rankings. Immediately. Just by association. Also, I noticed the HRL Braves haven’t played a team with a winning record since week one (the Marlins won the first game, so they were technically a winning team). Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is nothing to scoff at, but it’s a little less impressive (to me) when you notice the Braves have nearly as many wins (11) as all the teams they’ve played combined (15)... This week the have the Americans/Blue Sox.
10. Rumble Ponies (5-5). After a slow start (0-4) the Ponies have been on fire. Showing no mercy whatsoever, the lil’ horsies have been putting up a lot of runs, winning 5 of their last 6. Ponies split with the Mariners last week and have the Pandas and Bears this week. Also, BSquared, you’re in my fantasy lineup. For real dude, put in some work tonight!
9. Mariners (6-6). The Seamen are keepin’ it 5-hundy, just like I predicted. They just have to keep it up another 12 weeks… Diddy and Squirrel are having a good year, right? Diddy coming alive in his second season, Squirrel figuring it out in his… seventh? Anyways, I see no reason these gents can’t keep this up. Ahoy Seaman, great job! The Mariners split with the Ponies last week, they get the Hops and Cakes this week. And yes, I would eat a hops flavored Cake. Thanks for asking.
8. Chihuahuas (5-3). The Pups have cooled down some, but I blame that on the schedule. They only played four games last month, with long breaks in between. I think once these guys get to play more regularly and get rolling, they’ll improve… which they have to, if they want to win their division. They split with the Ducks last week and take on a couple furry teams in Eagan (Bears and Pandas) in what might be, based on their mascots only (well… and Sully), the cutest and cuddliest night of wiffles ever (puppies, bears, and pandas… and Sully!)!
7. Rubberducks (5-5). To me, this team is a lot like the RoughRiders. I don’t know what to say about them. On paper(boy), I think they’re better than .500, but I have to take what they’re bringing to the rink at Face value. Like my Daddy (who had a muStache) used to say, or sometimes Yell(er), if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Wow. I don’t know where that came from, and I don’t think I like it. Ducks split with the lil’ pups last week and take on the Riders and Marlins at beautiful Lando Calrissian park this week. Sarge!
6. Americans (5-5). Another team at .500? Really. Umm. [Insert something about them being better than their record.] [Insert something about Peach Fuzz and remember to cross out ‘Average Joe’.] [Compliment pNut, but maybe backhanded so he isn’t sure if you like him or not.] [Mandatory Lulu reference.] [Finish with “Knooty is my boy!”] After taking a pair from the Twins last week, the Americans hope to stay hot against the Braves and Franklin’s ‘Nuts.
5. Baby Cakes (8-2). After barely beating the Lugnuts last week… the Cakes take on the Millers and Mariners this week. Hopefully they’ll manage a few more clutch walks…
4. Vibes (7-1). These guys haven’t played a game in weeks. Jeez! Who’s the knucklehead in charge of making their schedule… or was that on purpose because he knew Epstein was flying out to Hollywood… anyways, since it’s been FOR-EVA since they played, I don’t have much else to add. Except the Wish has now also passed me on my kid’s list of favorite HRL’ers. Oh, also congrats Cheerio on the new gig… I guess. LinkedIn thought it was really important I say that. Jeez. Anywho, Vibes are finally back in action this week against the Aces and Grasshoppers.
3. Mets (7½ -2). Since losing to the Aces, these wonderful human beings haven’t allowed a run. That’s impressive to me. They took two from the Millers last week, now Taco gets a week off to prepare more bonsai trees.
2. Grasshoppers (12-0). ***ALERT*** SMALLPOX IS OUT THIS WEEK.*** That little fantasy wiffleball announcement might be the nicest thing I do all day. You’re welcome. After a week off, the Smallpox-less Hoppers take on the Vibes and Yankees this week.
1. Aces (10-0). Aces pitch good. Aces hit okay. Aces win. Rinse. Repeat. Vibes/Yankees this week.