HRL Power Rankings – Week 11
By Nightmare –
It’s the mid-point of the season, give or take, and people are still asking me, “Nightmare, why did you decide to move to Hopkins?”
There is speculation, of course:
I have so much money I enjoy pissing it all away on gas. False.
Griz is such a nice and positive person I couldn’t pass up the chance to play with him. No.
The Wish and Vibes rejected me so harshly, I had to leave town. Yes, but not the reason.
I needed to get away from Franklin’s taunting. Absolutely, but again, not the reason.
Stop speculating because, dear reader, I’m about to tell you why I really decided to join the Grasshoppers in Hopkins.
Before I tell you though, I’ll warn you: it’s going to sound crazy. But it’s true. I definitely didn’t just come up with this as a way to make funnies. And I didn’t make this all up because I just saw Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. That has nothing to do with it.
So anyways, Nightmare, why the Grasshoppers?
It was all a dream. In my deepest slumbers, fueled by cheap whiskey and hoppy beers, I slept my way through the multiverse, the “Wiffleverse” as I just now decided to call it. I saw through the Wiffleverse and into the future, and I saw what would become of me, and the league, had I joined each of the teams. And as you’re about to read, when it came down to it, I didn’t really have much of a choice…
Time for jokes…
P.S. Jagr Jr., I don’t mention you at all in the rankings, so just close this down and go do homework or something.
If Nightmare had responded to any of Franklin’s many, many text messages asking him to join the (#22) Lugnuts (1-17), the league would crumble. With Nightmare’s bat and arm showing up every week, the Lugnuts would finally break the daunting 3-win mark. Later, with a half dozen wins or so in his pocket, Franklin would become insufferable. His trash talk, which I recently learned has been toned down, would know no bounds. Teams would abandon the league rather than play the Nuts and deal with Franklin’s constant chirping. This would lead to more (forfeit) wins for the Nuts, leading to Franklin being more confident and turning up the trash talk. The cycle continues until eventually the Nuts win the Cup and the league disbands, because if this is toned down Franklin with one win, what’s Franklin going to be like with the Cup? The Nightmare-less Lugnuts have dropped their last 17… yikes. Maybe things go better for them this week in Hopkins where they take on the Ponies and Puppies…
I think it was mid-December when Toonces reached out with an offer to join the (#21) Trash Pandas (1-17). He didn’t share at the time he was bringing in so much new talent, but that doesn’t matter, because in my dream it was his video graphics/editing that drew me to the team. Sadly though, I slowly lost interest in playing wiffleball with the Pandas, instead focusing all my energy into the video editing. With his CGI and my editing “talent,” I very quickly became very popular. I quickly had dozens of YouTube followers and all the fame and fortune that accompanies hundreds of views online… the fame of course went to my head; I became cocky and impossible to deal with. My wife left me, and my son wouldn’t speak to me. In the end, leaving the league was the only way to save my marriage and my family. The Pandas hope to snap their 16-game skid this week in Hopkins versus the Americans or Blue sOx.
[Note to me: this is getting a little dark, maybe cheer it up a little.]
“Think about being a Bear.” That’s how it started. In the (#20) Beariverse (2-16), things went very well for Nightmare. I fit right in with the Miller Lites and multiple camera angles. Things all went downhill though, after me and Sully went for a run together. We literally went for a run and never came back. Imagine that scene from Forrest Gump. Just me and Sully, running. And running. And running… We’re still running together, actually, in my heart… sigh… the Bears hope to snap their 9-game losing streak this week against either the Americans or Blue sOx.
The (#19) Blue Sox (4-17) wear a big fuzzy hat when they draw a walk. This was all fun and games at first, but it’s been hot this summer and Nightmare likes his walks. And that dear reader, was a killer combination, literally. I took one too many walks, wore the fuzzy hat, passed out, and the sOx all thought I was just sleeping one off and did nothing to help, so I died right there on the field. Heat exhaustion. Jerks. The sOx hope to get right this week as they host the Bears and Pandas.
Did I ever find the perfect universe? Once. Almost. Picture this, K-Mart wins his second championship. Nelson is the unanimous winner of Hopkin’s Yellow Slammer award and dominates the All-Star game. Flow’s hair follicles (and mine) find new life and the top of our heads are as hairy as his chest. And Cork, somehow, becomes an even nicer guy. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? So why didn’t I join the (#18) Twins (5-14)? Because even in this perfect universe, TT still never showed up to a single game. And if there’s no Thrill, what’s the point? Twins abandoned their “embrace the suck” mentality last week, sweeping the Bears and Pandas, and hope to continue their dominance of Eagan this week, hosting the Hops and Beanie Baby Cakes.
Let’s be really honest, I was never going to join the (#17) Blue Wahoos (5-14½). That’s not a knock against them, I just had no idea who they were or that they were even going to be in the league. The Young Fish have dropped four in a row. Maybe things get better this week versus the Yanks and Vibes…maybe?
In the universe where I join the (#16) Marlins (8-11), things turn out really well. Me, Shipwreck, and Neut carpool most weeks. I save a FORTUNE on gas. And I spend a lot less time sitting in traffic (alone) regretting my decision to drive to Hopkins every week. Huh… maybe I didn’t think that one through all the way… The Old Fish are floundering… having lost 8 of the last ten. Things don’t get any easier this week as the host the Hoppers and Aces.
I’m not proud of the version of Nightmare who joined the (#15) Hops (7-13). Trying to fit in, he drank a lot and had one too many beers and said some things he wasn’t proud of. He crossed a line. Then another. And another. He lasted one week on the team before getting bounced. Tootin’ never spoke to him again. Nightmare never touches alcohol again… dark days… Anyways, the happy Hops hope Harley Hopkins Park has homeruns on tap… that was my attempt at a Hops tongue twister… meh. Anyways, the Hops minus Nightmare play the Mets and Twins this week.
There is a universe where, instead of rudely ignoring Dr. K’s messages to join the Millers, I responded, “Let’s do it.” In that universe, today is today, and the (#14) Millers (9-12) are sitting at… 9-12. In this universe, the harder I hit the ball, the shorter it goes. You see, this universe, much like our own, refuses to allow Bliss Jr. to get any run support. But unlike in our universe, in the Millerverse, the wiffle gods are real, and they are bastards. And somewhere along the line, Bliss Jr. upset the god of run support, and he is cursed to never to get any. We actually scored negative runs one time… it was weird. The actual Millers are playing pretty well lately (6-4 in their last ten) and have a week off to prepare for the Aces.
The (#13) Marinerverse (11-12) was fine, but people REALLY got annoyed with me and Diddy. Everything was “chocolate” this or that. Diddy makes a great play in the field, “Oh, that’s some sticky chocolate right there!” Nightmare and Diddy HRs are called “Chocolate Blasts.” And when we hit back-to-bank HRs (which happened a lot), it’s called a “Chocolate BombBomb.” We even start hanging out at the bars on weekends, insisting people refer to us as “Sexual Chocolate.” I mean, it’s awesome, but it got a little old. The less chocolatey Mariners head into their bye week playing very good ball and hovering right around the .500 mark. As predicted.
The (#12) RoughRiderverse (11-9) got weird quick. Somehow, I got adopted by Jagr. Which was weird at first, but then somehow my hair all grew back, so I got to rock a sweet head of hair like his actual children. Oh, and Dumpy never left the Riders in this universe, so the Riders are Jagr and his three kids, and we crushed! It was awesome having two younger brothers… but of course things got real dicey after a while because Jagr started to like me best. Because we could drink beers and rent cars and do old people stuff. It was fun for a little bit, but jealousy got the best of Dumpy and Dumpy Jr. and the atmosphere got toxic. I couldn’t stay, so me and Jagr rode off into the sunset and every day was Father’s Day… Anyways, you guys ready for it? This week it’s Jagr and Jagr Jr. Jr. versus Jagr Jr. in the… Jagr Bowl? I don’t know, but Jagr gets to play with one son and against another this week. I’d be willing to bet that’s never happened before. I imagine the offspring will be playing for the #1 spot in dad’s heart this week… the position is wide open… in this universe.
I loved the universe where I played with the (#11) Yankees (11-7). There was a Yankee huddle every inning and… and I don’t remember… I just remember basking in the love and comradery of a Yankee huddle and feeling like, no matter what, everything would be okay. Oh, and the Yankees still called me “Woal” (like “coal”) even though they know it’s “Wally,” but that’s okay cause it’s been 14 years and it would be weird to change now… Our Yankees are playing well, looking to extend their 3-game winning streak against the Ducks and Wahoos… there’s a water joke here somewhere…
The version of Nightmare who joined the (#10) Americans (8-10) didn’t do a lot on the field of play, but he really made an impact off the field. He spent hours and hours with Dr. Dipsh*t discussing his life and his thoughts and his feelings and whatever it is about him allows him to allow us all to call him a Dipsh*t, to his face. There’s a lot of unpacking to do there. And I did it. We even changed his nickname to, “Dr. I’m good enough, smart enough, and people like me.” Last week the Americans did something I could never do and almost knocked off the Aces… but they didn’t. Oh well, they hope to bounce back this week as they host the Bears and Pandas.
(#9) Grasshoppers (18-2). Writing anything here would be pretty pointless, right? Hoppers make their first trip to Eagan this week to take on the Riders and the Marlins.
I am, no joke, enjoying some Beats by Stix right now. If you didn’t listen the first time I told you, go check it out. I of course have exclusive tracks not on Spotify, because I’m special. So special, in fact, that in the (#8) Rumble Ponyverse (10-10), not only do I get sneak previews of Stix’s tracks, but I also get to provide vocals. Obviously, my bars are FIRE. Great news for me and Stix, bad news for the Ponies who lose two of their stars when we move to L.A. to pursue our music careers. Good news for the actual Ponies, they still got Stix this week as they host the Nuts and Braves this week.
Air Bud & Co. had surprisingly little patience for Nightmare in the (#7) Chihuahuaverse (11-6). Nightmare was removed from the team almost immediately for filling the team group text with a thousand annoying questions like, “Why did the Wish leave?” and “Is he coming back?” and “What’s the point of playing without him?” The Puppies swept some Eagan teams last week and hope to do it again this week against the Braves and Nuts… hope Air Bud likes Hamm’s…
The (#6) Rubberduckverse (12-6) actually worked out pretty well. For Stache. In the Duckverse, Stache co-hosts his podcast with Nightmare. Nightmare was there last week to stop Stache from implying Dumpy’s ERA this season is as good as it is because the Aces have been playing on fields where the wind is blowing in. Seriously, my guy, the wind? Sigh. Anyways, other than that, Nightmare and Old Yeller become best friends (obviously), Face and I develop a real close (and kinda weird) sort of father-son dynamic (but it works), and Daddy leaves the team because I refuse to call him anything but “Zabka” or “Johnny.” The Ducks have won 8 in a row without me, so they’ll be fine… they look to make it ten this week in Eagan versus the Vibes and Yankees.
[Stache, other than the wind thing, great podcast. Especially great insight on your #2 All-Star pitcher.]
In the Beanie (#5) Baby Cakeverse (14-5) we played the Lugnuts, and we scored 100. Just like I said we would have. The Cakes have a World Series rematch in Harley this week… oh, and they play the Twins too. A lot of current and former Champions out at Harley this week (I’m winking through the internet at you K-Mart).
The version of Nightmare that joins the (#4) Braves (16-4) is thrown off the team for repeatedly insisting we change our team’s name, mid-season. The bright side though, is that me and Scrabble become best friends and he teaches me how to throw his drop ball. The great news though, is I convince Chops to bring the Chops back. And they are GLORIOUS. After an injury scare, Scrabble came back and went 11-for-19 with 5 tanks and 8 RBI. Fantasy managers everywhere rejoice! The Braves look to extend their winning streak to four this week in Hopkins versus the Pups and Ponies.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It’s also the best way to end a career. My love of The Wish is known far and wide. Sadly, in the (#3) Family-verse (12-5), I tried to show The Wish how much I loved him by imitating him in the field. Unfortunately, a season of embracing the Familia (i.e., eating past before, during, and after every game) lead to massive weight gain. That, combined with my advanced age and brittle body, resulted in a diving play that was both unsuccessful and career ending. This universe’s Vibes are probably pretty rusty after not playing for two weeks… at least that’s what the Ducks and Wahoos are hoping.
The (#2) Mippeyverse (you know, cause “Metaverse” is already a thing) (13½ -2) was nice too. After filming the episode of Epstein’s Couch a few months back, Taco and I got very close. He got me into bonzai-ing… I became peaceful. Too peaceful. I abandoned all forms of competition as it disrupted my chi… or my zen.. or both. I retired from wiffleball prior to the season, and many years down the road I pass away, and my final words are, “Two hundred ninety-nine.” Because really, I was tormented my whole life by quitting before I got 300 HRs. [cut to Sanchez: “300, that’s cute.”] The Mets have won 10 in a row (I predicted that). Can they make it twelve this week in Hopkins versus the Cakes and Hops?
(#1) Aces (20-0). For the record, exactly zero people told me they cared about the Aces. Including the Aces I talked to.