HRL Power Rankings – Week 11
By Nightmare –
I know, the highlight of each week’s Rankings are my introductions. It’s often insightful, and always hilarious. It’s a few moments where we get to share some time together. We get to share some time, some laughs, and sometimes tears. I don’t want to take that away from you, I really don’t, but the Rankings this week are… well, long as sh*t, so the intro is going to be brief!
It’s time to vote for our All-Stars! Every year I mean to tell all of you who to vote for, and I always chicken out… until now. This week I’m going to recommend a player (or two, or sometimes four) to vote for.
Time for jokes voting advice… Oh, and make sure you vote dammit!
[Warning: way fewer jokes this week. I tried to be objective (emphasis: TRIED). And I think I use more stats this week than I have in the past two years combined. Sorry. It won’t happen again.]
Finding someone to vote for on the Trash Pandas (1-20) was… difficult. Statistically, they aren’t giving me much to work with, so we have to look at some of the other options… and I went with Toonces/Howl for Fun-Stars. They’ve showed up for every game in a tough season, and I don’t know how you could do that, unless you were having a sh*tload of fun. Plus, Toonces and I once took time away from a game to take sunset photos, and that was pretty fun. The Pandas went 0-for-June and are hoping things improve in July… starting next week.
Obviously, my selection from the Lugnuts (1-19) is Franklin. After the show he put on last year, I’m not sure we can ever have another All-Star game without the guy. I think it would be valuable for us to dedicate a camera crew to him for the entire evening, so we don’t miss a single word from him. Anyways, his 13.53 ERA means he was just outside my picks for Eagan Pitcher… so he’ll have to be a Fun-Star vote for me. The ‘Nuts hope to snap their 13-game losing streak against the Bears… in a five-game series this weekend?
It’s time Truck found himself on an All-Star roster again. He’s hitting .375 with 5 bombs. The power number isn’t super impressive, until you realized he has half as many ABs as most of the guys leading in the league in HRs. Not to mention, the morale boost he’d provide Eagan would be incalculable. Truck’s Bears (3-17) split with Hopkins last week (Truck was 3-for-3 in that win by the way) and they take on the Beanie Baby Cakes this week.
Let’s give Nelson the respect he was denied last year, and put him in as a hitter. No, the numbers aren’t as good this year, but he wouldn’t be the only player getting your votes out of respect. I expect quite a few guys will get votes “just because they’re great” even though maybe this year they aren’t at the top of the stat leader board(s). Nelson and the Twins (5-16) dropped two to Eagan last week (Nelson had 2 hits and 4 RBI against the Cakes) and take on the Mmmets this week.
As much as I don’t like to agree with… well, any of the Blue Sox, Thor deserves some consideration as an All-Star hitter. He’s got the third highest average in Hopkins, and he’s only taken 10 walks. Anyone who can produce at a high level while having to take the amount of crap he takes from his team… well, they’re an All-Star in my book. Thor and the Blue Sox (6-18) swept the Pandas last week (Thor was 3-for-6 with TWO walks) and take on the Seamen this week.
Normally, I’d only recommend you vote for my BFF Tootin’. He is such a dear and close friend, recommending anyone else would feel traitorous… however, I’m sure he’ll be off on his honeymoon or something All-Star weekend, so I’ll recommend Shirls. Like Truck, he’s having a resurgent year, hitting .370 with 8 bombs. And also like Truck, he’s got a fair total of bombs, but in half the ABs as the HR leaders. Shirls is a very talented wiffleballer, and often overlooked. So don’t overlook him as a hitter on your ballot! Also, in his last All-Star appearance, he went 1-for-4 with a tank (2015). Shirls wasn’t around when the Hops (8-14) beat the Twins and lost to the Mets last week, but he was there when they played a 3-game series (Cakes, Ducks, Wahoos) the week before and went 4-for-10 with 3 bombs. Boom! Hops have the week off. Best wishes to anyone on the Hops doing awesome stuff this weekend!
Pablo is legit. Get him in as a hitter. There’s a lot of chatter around the guy, and I’ll put it out there: it’s real. The rookie’s hitting .400 with 13 bombs. He sees the ball real well and is adapting to the HRL really quickly/nicely. One of many great additions to the league this year. Pablo: hitter. Do it. Oh, and obviously Noob game… but we don’t vote for that do we? Marlins (8-14) got swept by Eagan last week (Hoppers/Aces), but Pablo went 7-for-15 that night… I told you, legit. The Old Fish are off this week. Oh, and don’t sleep on Shipwreck as a fielder.
If I’m reading things right, and I am not sure that I am, Bliss Jr. has never been to the All-Star game as a pitcher? That’s just dumb. Ask anyone (especially me) and the deal is the guy doesn’t get run support, which ergo facto, means he pitches well. So how has he never made an All-Star appearance? Like some other names on my list, maybe this year’s stats don’t reflect the talent, but the talent is there, just like Bliss Jr. should be. Oh, and in case you want numbers, BJ’s got the second most K’s on the mound in Hopkins this season. The Millers (9-12) enjoyed a week off last week and play the Aces this week.
This one was tough because when I played them, I think most of the guys were fill in players, or very-part-time players… but Shorts needs to be in the Noob game, and POSSIBLY the All-Star game as a hitter. Now, I’m stretching here with this pick, I know, but when the guy shows up, he hits tanks (12 HRs in 18 games). And I respect that. Shorts and the Blue Wahoos (8-14½) swept Eagan (Vibes twice, and Yankees) last week and have the Puppies this week.
I think I have a thing for the old guys in Eagan, because my guys on the RoughRiders (11-12) are H8R and Jagr. H8R is going out of his mind right now, hitting .411 with 21 bombs. Vote him in as a hitter immediately. And why Jagr? Because both his kids are probably going to be All-Stars, so he needs to give them a ride. JK, LOL. Jagr is playing like a man half his age. Like Truck and Shirls before him, Jagr’s an old guy playing young, hitting .385 with 13 bombs. Lots of guys have been voted in with worse stats than that! Jagr, H8R, and the Riders gave up 64 runs last week to the Hoppers/Aces, doing their best Lugnuts impression (apparently), and take on the Yankees this week.
It’s no secret, I’m a big fan of Squirrel and Diddy. I love watching them play, and I am really excited with the success they’re having this year. Squirrel’s having a career year at the plate (.358, 7 bombs) and Diddy is improving on a very good rookie season (.329, 10 bombs). I think either/both of these guys would be a breath of fresh air on a Hopkins roster that might otherwise be filled with a lot of the “same old faces.” Diddy, Squirrel, and The Mariners (11-12) split with the Millers last week and have the Blue sOx up next.
Although he’s on my sh!t list, pNut deserves votes as an All-Star hitter. He’s well on his way to the Vlade Award (batting title) with his ridiculous .460 average (37 points higher than Smallpox’s all-time record). It’s impressive, to say the least. Maybe he decides to hit the gym so he can hit a few more tanks… but that’s another conversation. Vote in pNut. pNut and the Americans (10-10) swept Eagan last week and take on the Hoppers tonight!
First and foremost, if the League Brass hasn’t approached Stix to DJ/MC the night’s festivities, what are you waiting for? Or maybe they’re waiting to see if Stix is voted in as a hitter (.386, 15 HRs) before they ask him to bring the party? (Is that a thing the kids would say, “bring the party?” It felt cool to me… so probably, no). I also think B-Squared (my fantasy wiffle sleeper, .359, 17 bombs) should also get votes. And Kuks… and Bennie… and Sharpie. Oh boy, we’re getting to the place in the rankings where a lot of teams will have a lot of guys to consider. Jeez, the Ponies got four guys hitting in the mid- to upper- .300s with double digit HRs. Noice. A lot of talent to choose from, Hopkins will be lucky to have any of them. The Rumble Ponies (13-10) swept Eagan last week, take on the Ducks this week. (hmm, what if the Ponies stayed in Eagan this year… that’s an interesting thought experiment.)
Rocky is my All-Star fielder ride or die (I think I used that right). I’ve seen that man rob more HRs than any ten other players, combined. He makes big plays, and he’s a great dude to be around. Vote: Rocky. The Yankees (12-9) split with the Ducks (and lost to the Wahoos) last week, off this week.
It goes without saying, The Wish should be an Eagan fielder, but I’ll say it anyways. You know, cause the rankings are all about stating the obvious. Another obvious choice is Epstein, hitter and pitcher. He’s hitting .390 with 16 HRs, that’s obvious. Less obvious is his pitching. Stats don’t reflect the talent here, so don’t overlook the guy, he’s filthy. And he’s a good pitcher. Burn! Epstein, The Wish, and the Vibes (12-8) got swept by Hopkins last week (Epstein: 3 bombs) and look to bounce back this week against the Braves.
I hope Air Bud doesn’t get Nelson’ed this year. The guy is on pace to break all of his career numbers (runs, hits, HRs, RBI, BBs)… before the All-Star break. Please, Hopkins, don’t overlook Air Bud. He’s got cool shades and even cooler stats. Air Bud: hitter. The Chihuahuas (12-7) split with Eagan last week (Air Bud: 8 hits, 3 tanks) and take on the surging Wahoos this week.
I hate to toot his horn (because he toots his own horn so often), but Stache is making a case to be an All-Star hitter this year (.331 with 19 HRs). He’s having a good season and deserves some consideration to make his first ever All-Star game (as a hitter). The Rubberducks (14-7) beat the Vibes and split with the Yankees (Stache, 4 hits and 3 bombs) and take on the Ponies this week.
First, the obvious: Seuss should be a pitcher and HOV should be a fielder. The less obvious, Seuss (and Hondi) should be All-Star hitters. Who’s Hondi? Just a guy I’ve never seen before who’s hitting .388 with 12 bombas. That’s good, right? And Seuss, I played with the guy for a decade, and he’s never put up hitting numbers like this before (.450, 13 HRs). If I knew he was going to play out of his mind like this, maybe I’d have stayed in Eagan #WinkEmoji. Hondi, Seuss, and the BabyCakes (16-5) swept Eagan last week, take on the Bears this week.
Chops (.357, 11 HRs), Handy Mat (.362, 15 HRs), Sanchez (.369, 17 HRs), Scrabble (.425, 15 HRs). I for real can’t decide what to say… All of them deserve to hit for Eagan… Matty’s never been to an All-Star game? That seems like a crime. Chops and Sanchez would continue my string of “old timers” having great years. Scrabble is my new favorite, and a rookie… screw it. Vote for all of them. Also, Handy Mat (7-1, 76K), let’s make sure to keep him busy (pitching and hitting) at his first All-Star game. The Braves (17-5) split with Hopkins last week (Pups/Ponies) and take on the Vibes this week.
I’ve tried to be SUPER objective for the previous 19 teams, but it’ll be tough not to recommend ALL GRASSHOPPERS TO THE ALL-STAR GAME. Griz (.410), Smallpox (.439), Nightmare (.447) are all hitting over .400 (Jake, .383 is top 10 in Hopkins). Smallpox (14), Griz (14), Jake (16), and Nightmare (17) are all top-10 tank hitters in Hopkins (Nightmare/Jake top-10 in the HRL). If I can be less objective for a moment, Griz and Smallpox are two of the best hitters in the HRL. Ever. Period. Disagree and we can fight. End of story. They should be on every All-Star ballot (along with The Wish as a fielder). Anyways, like the Braves, really the whole team deserves consideration as a hitter, Cakes/Jake are probably co-Rookies of the Year and should be Noob Stars as well… umm, also, most importantly: NIGHTMARE FOR FUN STAR!!! Grasshoppers (20-2) swept a couple Eagan teams last week (Riders/Marlins) and take on the Americans this week.
I feel like we must be scheduling All-Star games the same weekend as Bonzai conventions or something because Taco hasn’t been an All-Star hitter in 5 years? Clearly, he is getting voted in and declining the invite, right? Well, vote him in again anyways, cause spoiler alert: he good. And Mippey is hitting .269? Clearly that’s a typo, get him in too. And pitching, Mippey aka “Clutch” aka “I don’t know, just vote him in.” The Mets (14½ -3) lost to the Cakes, beat the Vibes, and play the Twins this week.
I know, no one asked. I know, no one cares. I don’t want to write this, but I’m putting my personal biases aside and… recommending people vote Aces to the All-Star game. I mean, if no one votes them in, I won’t shed any tears, but in the spirit of objectivity, I will tell you why one might consider voting for a few of these guys. Sigh… Dumpy is the best pitcher in the league right now, it isn’t close. Web Gem is always solid too, and more importantly, the camera (and ladies) love the guy and the video just won’t be as good without him in it. Psych is getting real close to being a permanent All-Star hitter in my book (who am I kidding, he’s there now: .424, 15HR). Webby, who didn’t have a hit for like the first month of the season, is finally playing up to his ability (.395, 13HR). And Baby Face… I mean, no one likes this guy, right? If he didn’t hit so damn many bombs, we’d totally ignore him, right? Like, he’d be right out on his a$$. At least that’s what I tell myself. Anyways, enjoy this Aces, you’ll get no more love from me. The Team No One Cares About (23-0) swept the Riders/Marlins last week, take on the Millers this week.
So, I know I didn’t mention everyone worthy of votes, I’m sorry, but I keep hearing Vlade’s voice telling me this article is too long, and no one cares… so some people didn’t get mentioned. Blame Vlade.
Anywho, if I could pick the teams, this is what I’d pick right now… subject to change. This may or may not reflect my actual ballot (I don’t recall, I voted right away and my brain is old and forgetful).
*Denotes alternate, or “first runner up” or “honorable mention” or whatever the next guy up would be.
Eagan All-Stars
Hitters: Epstein, Seuss, Scrabble, H8R, Sanchez, Pablo, Truck*
Pitchers: Seuss, Epstein, Handy Mat, Scrabble*
Fielders: The Wish, HOV, Shipwreck*
Hopkins All-Stars
Hitters: Smallpox, Griz, Nightmare, Baby Face, Air Bud, Psych, pNut* (this feels wrong, but this is what happens when you make my sh!t list!)
Pitchers: Dumpy, Web Gem, Mippey, Bliss Jr.*
Fielders: Diddy, Dumpy/Mippey (maybe they field for each other), Griz*