HRL Power Rankings – Week 13
By Nightmare –
First: Vote for your All-Stars. Do it now. Time’s almost up. Get your votes in. Vote Nightmare for Fun Star. Do it.
Second: Clear your schedule for July 23. Last year was the best All-Star Night ever. This year will be better, I can feel it. (And not just because I’ll be on the winning side this year. EAGAN BURN!)
Third: there is no “Third,” but there is a “rule of three” in comedy. It’s supposed to make things funnier. Did it work?
Time for jokes…
Trash Pandas (1-22), 5th Eagan West. Kadishack showed up almost every week… last year, even though he wasn’t on a team. He’s played one game this year. How is that even possible? Did you Pandas scare him away? He showed up, played a game, and bailed at half time? Weird. Pandas have not won since mid-May; they play the Hops this week.
Lugnuts (2-23), 4th Eagan West. (Eagan West… yikes.) Dropped their last four to da’ Bears (7-20), 4th Eagan West. So… Nuts used all their extras against the Bears? Is that legal? Can other teams donate their extra games to the Nuts/Bears so they can keep playing each other? I’d do it. My thinking is teams like mine won’t get a game three. Same with the Aces and Cakes… others too, I’m sure. And if we all donated those unused extras to the Nuts/Bears, and the Nuts do what they do (lose to the Bears) then maybe the Bears could win enough games to avoid Wifflepalooza. It’ll be tough, but it would be worth it. I’d like to see it. Anyways, the Bears’ ‘Nuts are off the rest of the week too. I hope they spend that extra time looking for extra game donations…
Twins (5-18), 4th Hopkins East. The TT-less Twins tried to triumph to the Mets last week (one day I’ll get a tongue twister to work), the video is funny. You should check it out. They meet the Blue Wahoos this week. An impressive age difference between these two teams… speaking of old (weak transition, but whatever), you guys got less than a month to convince TT to come back for August 4.
Blue Sox (7-19), 3rd Hopkins East. TwoBat, when are you going to torture more HRL’ers with spicy wings? Has your gut recovered yet? I’d like to see some more people suffering… hey, maybe invite Vlade next time! Smooches Vlade. sOx split with the Mariners last week, host the Marlins/Riders this week.
Hops (8-14), 3rd Eagan West. Big Hoss has luscious flowing locks of hair that I envy with all my heart. Groundskeeper Willie would make an amazing Commissioner (not that I want Huck out, but GKW has a lot of great thoughts on the league). Meesta should be on American Idol. Tootin’ and I are best friends… Weird. I never thought I’d cut/paste entries from my diary into the Rankings… anyways, the Hops were off last week to throw the BEST party I’ve been to in years. Literally. COVID really crushed my social life. Anyways, congratulations Tootin’! Thanks for the invite, I told you we’d be besties one day. Where was I? Oh yeah, Hops crushed the party scene last week, will likely continue to crush this week against the Pandas.
Marlins (8-14), 3rd Eagan West. Remember when I said the Marlins would be competitive and could challenge for their division? Me neither. The Old Fish had last week off and take on the Riders this week.
Millers (9-16), 2nd Hopkins East. When is too soon to bring back “Bliss needs run support?” Asking for a friend. Millers are top 10 as a team in fewest runs allowed, bottom 5 in runs scored. It has not been Miller time lately… they’ve dropped four in a row and take on the Ducks this week. Also, side note: I wanna party with the Mart.
Blue Mackerels (9-16½), 4th Hopkins West. Did you know a wahoo is a large, predatory mackerel. Same family as tuna? They can grow to 7 feet long and up to 180 pounds? I didn’t. But I know now… see, this is how far I dig sometimes to entertain you people… you should all appreciate me more… anyways, this season, the Wahoos have won more games than the Lugnuts have in their franchise’s history. I only bring that up as it allows me to pump up the Wahoos, while simultaneously (and more importantly) knocking Franklin down a couple pegs (he won a game last week, I gotta keep him in check, for the sake of the league). The Young Fish lost 2 of 3 to the Puppies last week, have the Twins up next.
RoughRiders (12-13), 3rd Eagan East. Their bios claim that H8R is 5’8” and Jagr is 5’9”. Yeah, okay. That has nothing to do with anything, other than I think that’s hilarious. If you’re going to lie about how “tall” you are, lie big, say you’re 6 feet tall. It’s the internet, you can say anything you want. Ummm… H8R got hit #1000. That’s a huge deal. And he’s closing in on HR #400 and K #1500. Here’s hoping he gets to both! Hahaha. He won’t get to K #1500… I don’t think. Riders split with the Yankees last week, have the Marlins up next.
[Hmm, side note, in the podcast I think Webby said hit #1000 was against the Hoppers… if so, and you want the video, let me know.]
The Mariners (12-13), 3rd Hopkins West. My first thought was to talk about “the Mariners should move to Eagan.” Well, that’s not true. My first thought was, “how do I make this all about Diddy?” Then Mariners to Eagan. Then, why does Eagan get a wild card? Think about it, two teams from the same city can come out of Wifflepalooza, so we don’t care if there is an even number of teams from each city in the playoffs… so why wouldn’t the wild card just be the non-Division winning team with the best record? I mean, it wouldn’t be the Mariners, but I was looking at them when I had this thought… I dunno. League brass, think about it. Mariners split with the sOx, have the Pups next.
Yankees (13-10), 2nd Eagan West. Yankees v Braves… whatever the last week of the season is. That could be entertaining, right? The division could be on the line. We need at least one division to be a close race right down to the end, right? Who are the league fixers? Who makes this happen? Yanks split with the Riders last week, take on the Vibes next.
Americans (11-11), 4th Hopkins Central. I just want to take a moment to put the league on notice that Peach Fuzz aka Average Joe aka whatever his real name is… he’s out in these streets trying to break teams up and put together his own “super team” for next year. Last week, mid-game he’s like, “K-Booty, Nightmare, let’s ditch the clowns we’re with now, and form a super team in 2023.” No joke. Mid-game! This guy doesn’t respect his teammates, other teams, or the League in general. He’s really the closest thing we have to a villain right now. Show some respect young man. No wonder people throw wiffleballs at your face. What? No, I’m not just mad you hit monster bombs off me all the time. No, you shut up. Americans are awesome guys, they split with the Hoppers last week and they are off this week.
Rumble Ponies (15-10), 3rd Hopkins Central. Ponies extended their winning streak to five games against the Ducks last week and have the tough Mmmets up next. Hmm. This makes me think that next year the ‘Game of the Week’ crew should adopt the whole “flex” schedule thing, like the NFL. I’m not sure who plays next Monday, but I’m sure this match up will be far more exciting, and more entertaining, and the guys playing are far more interesting and attractive… just kidding, I know it’s the Hops/Marlins… so yeah, what I said… Anyways, I had a thought and I have a keyboard, so…
Vibes (16-8), 2nd Eagan East. Swept the Braves and Pandas since I last checked on them. They take on the Yankees next… family versus family… meh. Now I’m thinking, did I start Epstein on my fantasy team? I forget… also, the Vibes are like cavatappi pasta: all screwy and all over the place. You happy now Epstein? (He wanted me to compare every single team to pasta shapes, and… I’m not going to do that.)
[Ugh, I did not start Epstein. I started Taco and Air Bud…]
Chihuahuas (16-8), 1st Hopkins East. Puppies want no part of Wifflepalooza, they’ve won four straight and are starting to pull away in their division. Good for them. They’ve got the Mariners up next.
Rubberducks (14-9), 2nd Hopkins Central. Swept by the Ponies last week, they get the Millers up next. Stache: 4 stars (out of 4) on the podcast this week. You mentioned me within the first two minutes and didn’t imply any stats were good (or bad) due to gusts of wind (at least not in the first 37 minutes, where I stopped… I’ll finish later). Great work. Start putting episodes out weekly. If I can do rankings every week, you can talk every week… also, feel better soon!
BabyCakes (18-5), 1st Eagan East. They have a 2.5 game lead in their division, I’m willing to bet no one saw that coming. Maybe Eagan East will be the division where it comes down to the wire. Beanie Baby Cakes swept the Bears (bearly… hahahaha) last week and take on the Braves (bravely?) this week. Did anyone else hear the rumor Seuss is moving to Hopkins, his favorite city, next year?
Braves (17-7), 1st Eagan West. The Braves got swept by the Vibes last week and take on the Cakes this week. That’s another one I’d love to see flexed to the “Game of the Week.” Two first place teams, more first ballot Hall of Famers than I can count (not true, 6. if The Man shows up… and Matty is almost there, so 6 and a half), Matty versus Seuss… Call this game TNT, cause there’ll be drama… wasn’t that their tagline? “TNT knows Drama?” Anyways… I’d watch.
Grasshoppers (21-3), 1st Hopkins Central. Word around the campfire is there is turmoil in HopperTown. Smallpox can’t stand to be around his teammates anymore, he says he’s golfing or going to concerts, but really he’s just fed up. Other guys are demanding trades. There’s even talk of bringing in some new blood to improve the locker room situation. It’s a mess. Is this the beginning of the end? Hoppers split with the Americans last week and are off this week. And thank goodness I might add. I turn 44 this weekend (Saturday, I expect ALL the love) and… everything hurts. I need a week off. Maybe more. Hmm, maybe I pull a Smallpox and bail on my team for the fifth time this season…(see, it’s bad, we’re at each others’ throats constantly!).
Mets (16½ -3), 2nd Hopkins West. The Mmmets have several guys right on the verge of some impressive career milestones. Mippey is darn near 300 HRs, 600RBI. JC will get to 900 hits this year and maybe win 100. Taco will get to 250 bombs and 600RBI as well. And they have a lot of games to get to those milestones, The Mets have played the fewest games of any team this season… what’s up with that? Oh well, I’m running out of steam… may not even finish the rankings… JC and the Mmmmets swept the Twins last week, have the Ponies up next.
Yeah, I’m done. No energy left. I’m even going to cut/paste from last week to end the rankings. That’s how little I have left to say. And even if there was more, no one would care.
So, lastly, VOTE. Even if you don’t want to. It’s your wiffle duty! And in case you missed last week, or in case you're lazy and want to vote, but don’t want to do any research, here you go. My predictions/recommendations for 2022 All-Stars:
Eagan All-Stars
Hitters: Epstein, Seuss, Scrabble, H8R, Sanchez, Pablo, Truck*
Pitchers: Seuss, Epstein, Handy Mat, Scrabble*
Fielders: The Wish, HOV, Shipwreck*
Hopkins All-Stars
Hitters: Smallpox, Griz, Nightmare, Baby Face, Air Bud, Psych, pNut* (this feels wrong, but this is what happens when you make my sh!t list!)
Pitchers: Dumpy, Web Gem, Mippey, Bliss Jr.*
Fielders: Diddy, Dumpy/Mippey (maybe they field for each other), Griz*
*denotes alternate
Fine… Aces (25-0), 1st Hopkins West. No one cares and I still think this bit is funny.