HRL Power Rankings – Week 14
By Nightmare –
It’s finally here! IT’S FUN STAR WEEK!
...also, there will be an All-Star game if anyone bothers to stick around.
The MAIN EVENT starts at 5:45pm, but I recommend getting there before 5pm to assure yourself a seat and to watch the opening act (Noobs). Grab a seat, enjoy the big show, and if you have nothing else going on after, stick around for whatever comes after the Fun Stars. It’s going to be a blast.
Let’s get right to it. I posted these late last week, I want to get them up “on time” this week.
It’s fricking Fun Star Weekend! Come for the Fun Stars, stay for the beer!
[For the record, I predicted 18 of the 22 All-Stars in my column a couple weeks back. That's 82% accuracy. Not bad, me.]
Time for jokes…
22. Trash Pandas (1-26). Kadishack Watch: 3 games played, 10 more to be Palooza eligible… I think. 13 games, right? I hope that’s all it takes, cause the Pandas have exactly 10 games left! The Pandas were off last week and take on the Millers and Mariners at Valley this week.
21. Lugnuts (2-23). Nuts dropped four of five to the Bears about a week and a half ago and host the Twins/Mets this week. Word on the street is that Franklin is OUT tonight. He’s staying home to prepare scalding hot burns for the Hopkins All-Stars on Saturday.
20. Twins (5-20). The Twins were swept by the Wahoos last week and make the trek to Eagan this week to take on the Nuts and Braves. In other news, I had to block K-Mart across all platforms because he wouldn’t stop suggesting the Hopkins Fun Stars dress up like Big Lebowski characters. We get it, you look like the Dude. Enough already.
19. Bears. The Bears have the sixth longest winning streak in the HRL… they look to stay hot this week in Hopkins where they’ll take on the Seamen and the Beer-men (Millers). I’m looking forward to seeing a den of Bears this week during the Fun Star game. Unfortunately, this will be my only encounter with Truck & Co. this season. Whoever made the schedule: Shame on you.
18. Blue Sox (7-19). The sOx split with the Mariners last week and take on the Old Fish and the RoughRiders this week. More than anything else, I’m looking forward to being teammates with Vlade for forty-five minutes. It’s not a long time, but it will be a fun time. I am so excited for how much he’s going to like me when we’re done. I should probably get on Amazon and start looking for blue socks, cause I know he’s going to want to make it permanent…
17. Marlins (8-19). The old Fish dropped three to the Hops last week… this week? I don’t know when, I can’t even do calendars right now. Anyways, they play some other old guys (sOx) and some not so old patriotic guys after that (Americans, f*** yeah). Pablo. Rookie. Hitting .400 with 13 bombs. Wow.
16. Millers (10-18). The Beermen dropped 2 of 3 to the Ducks last week and host the Pandas/Bears this week. More importantly, The Mart, like myself, is making his first ever Fun Star appearance on Saturday. I’m glad I won’t be the only rookie Fun Star... Of course, I’ll have to out fun the sh** out of The Mart!! Sorry, nothing personal, but I'll be the funnest rookie... hmmm… me thinking that way is probably why I had to beg people to vote me into the Fun Star game, and The Mart didn’t.
15. Blue Wahoos (11-16½). There’s just too many of these guys. I’m sure they’re all wonderful, but I’m old. I can’t learn this many new people. Do they all get to show up for the Noob Star game? How does that even work? Cage match? Last 6 Wahoos standing get to play? I’d pay to see that. And there’s already a cage at the Bowl, so… just a thought. Ummm… oh yeah, the younger Fish swept the Twins last week and take on the Americans… next week. Nice, time to recover from their cage match!
14. The Mariners (12-15). Coach and the Seamen got swept by the Pups last week. They host the Pandas and the Bears this week at Valley. I predicted they’d play at least .500 wiffleball so they better win a couple … do it!
13. RoughRiders (14-13). The Riders swept the Marlins last week and travel to Hopkins this week to face the sOx and Americans. H8R and Jagr (I think) will be representing the Riders this weekend at the All-Star game. Just a couple old timers playing like they did ten years ago. I love to see it.
12. Hops (13-14). I heard Tootin’ cut his honeymoon a couple days short so he could come back and help the Hops sweep the Marlins last week. I mean, good for you, but dude, fix your priorities. The Hops got the Hoppers (hey, that’s fun, Hops-Hoppers, Hops-Hoppers) and Aces this week. Tootin’ will represent the Hops as an All-Star hitter… jeez, I haven’t seen this much of Tootin’ since his wedding. Which he invited me to. Because we’re best friends.
11. Yankees (13-12). The Yanks dropped a couple to La Familia last week and travel to Hopkins this week to take on the Ponies and the Puppies. Umm… am I missing something? Is this the first ever All-Star weekend without a Yankee representative? That can’t be right…
10. Rubberducks (16-10). Dear Stache, did you just call me a liar on your little podcast? You think cause you’re on Spotify, you’re some kind of big deal? Well, listen here pal, I have a microphone, I could be on Spotify too, if I wanted. You know what you said about the wind. Disagreeing on your little talk show in your mom’s basement doesn’t change it. Speaking of the wind, I hope it’s not blowing in on Saturday for your little homerun derby appearance. Also, I know at least three guys with better mustaches than you, so get a better nickname. Anyways, mediocre mustache guy, the Silver Fox, and the rest of the Ducks swept the Millers last week… Yup, just checked, wind was blowing out for them… They’re off this week.
9. Americans (11-11). The Americans come back from their bye to take on the Riders and Marlins this week. At Harley, probably my favorite field in Hopkins, if anyone is asking. There’s not a lot of wind there… yeah, I’m still on that, mustache man!
8. Braves (17-9). The Braves… haven’t won a game this month… that’s not right. Is it? They look to turn things around this week as they host the Mmmets and Twins… and Chops should get hit 1400, right? That’s a big deal. Lots of Braves making All-Star appearances this year… except for Sanchez, who’d rather be in Mexico… jeez. With a lack of commitment like that, he’ll never last in this league… oh wait…
7. Rumble Ponies (17-10). Did you guys see Twitter yesterday? What was all that about? That was some “Must see TV” type sh**. I loved it. I was so unproductive at work, but I don’t even care… Rumble Ponies Twitter, reason #26 I love this team. Anyways, they’ve won a lot. Like, they haven’t lost in a month. They look to stay hot this week as they host the Vibes/Yankees.
6. Chihuahuas (18-8). The little dogs have won a lot of wiffleball games recently. They’re sending at least one guy to the All-Star festivities. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Tweets, but Air Bud is an All-Star. AJizz was fun, but I hear he’s backing out. And breaking my heart. Even if he is my least favorite little puppy. And you know what AJizz, crap like bailing on the Fun Star game is why you’ll ALWAYS be my least favorite Puppy. Bad boy! Oh, but thanks for Fantasy Wiffle. Puppies take on the same team as the Ponies, cause they travel together.
5. Vibes (18-8). I’m convinced the Vibes exist in a time warp. I swear they just lost three games in a row, but that was almost a month ago and they’ve won 6 since… what?... Or maybe I’m just old and my brain has more holes in it than a pot of rotelle pasta! Ha, see what I did there! Two weeks in a row, referencing pasta… anyways, thank you Huck Finn in advance for what will surely be a great All-Star weekend (and everyone else involved). I appreciate you and all you do, especially on big weekends like this. Grazie, grazie. The Vibes take on the last two teams I just talked about this week.
4. Mets (16½ -5). I’ve gotten this far in the rankings without mentioning a snubbed player. That ends now. Taco is an All-Star. I don’t even have to pick which category, because he’d excel in any/all of them. He got snubbed. And now I’m looking back, he hasn’t been an All-Star in five seasons? Uncool. Mets were swept by the Ponies last week, and take on the Nuts/Braves this week.
3 (tie). BabyCakes (22-5) and Grasshoppers (21-3). I don’t normally do this, but it isn’t often my current team is ranked right next to my former team, and then those two teams play each other the same week. It just felt “right.” Also, I’m very lazy and this gets me done faster. Umm, most of these two teams will be at All-Star night as Noob Stars, or Derby participants, or All-Star hitters or pitchers… or most importantly, as FUN AS F**K STARS!!! Finally, Baby Cakes, play the Hoppers in a game 3 this week or you’ll disappear from the rankings forever! (threats are the 28th most fun thing, right Seuss?)
1. Aces (25-0). Nothing to see here.