HRL Power Rankings – Week 15
By Nightmare –
Well, All-Star Night did not go as I expected. First, it only took me 48 minutes to drive to Shakopee. About a half hour less than I expected. That was a huge win. And, unfortunately, my only win of the evening. I haven’t lost so much, so badly, in one night since… I played the Aces. Haha… I’m sad now. Anyways… a recap of the evening:
- Fun Star game: I don’t think I got a hit, and I am pretty sure everyone there was more fun than me. I tried, but fun is hard. I have a lot to learn.
- Home Run derby: Smallpox beet me like Dwight Schrute. Get it? Dwight from The Office. He was a beet farmer… I wanted to make a “beat” joke that didn’t involve violence… anyways, Smallpox kicked my ass. Nightmare loses again.
- The All-Star game. The good guys lose 7-0. I go 0-for-5. And I made the last out of the game (for the second year in a row). Nightmare no likely. I lose again.
All that losing aside, All-Star Night is my wiffle highlight of the year so far. It was a blast. If you were there, you know. If you weren’t, you missed out. It was fantastic. I will never get over how awesome it is to have everyone all together like that. Congrats to everyone who participated and thanks to everyone involved in the planning and execution of the evening.
Time for jokes…
Actually, a quick note before the jokes.
Last week I made a promise. Game 3 or you disappear. Well, POOF! You gone. Actions have consequences!
Also, I heard through the grapevine that some people on a certain team think I took a joke too far. Well, okay… POOF. You gone too. I’ll decide when I’ve gone too far!
That is all. Now you know, don’t cross the Rankings Man or you shall be banished!
Hmmm. I know what you’re thinking. Is Nightmare upset about these things? Or did he just want to write fewer entries? You’ll never know for sure, but if I were you, I’d bet “Nightmare is being lazy” every time.
20. The Trash Pandas (1-28) got swept by Hopkins last week (Millers/Mariners) and have a bye week this week [cut to Nightmare quadruple checking the schedule]. Yes. I’m 90% sure they don’t play this week.
19. The Lugnuts (2-25) were also swept by Hopkins last week (Mets/Twins), but they don’t have a bye. They play the Baby Cakes this week, and we all know what that means. Time for the Cakes to do their best Dave Kunst impression. What’s that? Who’s Dave Kunst? Only the first person to walk around the world. Get it? HAHA! Baby Cake Burn!
18. The Twins (6-21) split with Eagan last week (beat their Nuts, lost to the Braves). My major takeaway from the games was that K-Mart struck out his 1,800th batter. He is second only to Dr. Seuss in that category. Nice work, jorts guy. K-Mart looks to notch RBI 700 (jumping to #9 all-time) this week against the Mariners.
17. Da Bears (7-22) struggled in Hopkins last week, losing to both the Mariners and Millers. They return home to their den to take on the Fish this week. I’m going to go out on a limb (bears climb trees, right? that’s the joke I was going for, kind of) and predict that the Godfather, Truck, hits his 200th career bomb this week.
16. The highlight of Fun Star night was when Vlade said to me, “You actually weren’t that bad to play with.” I mean, has higher praise ever been given? Is Nightmare to the Blue Sox (7-19) confirmed? I mean, it’s something to think about. That sOx played last week… maybe? Stats still aren’t in… I’d guess they maybe split with the Fish/Riders… but who knows. They take on the Millers this week.
15. It’s o-fish-al, the Marlins (8-20) are floundering. They’ve lost a tuna games recently, ten or eleven (missing stats). Salmon betta do something, and soon… okay, fish puns are hard. And stupid. Fish take on the Bears this week at Carnelian.
14. Blue Wahoos (11-16½)... another fish team… don’t worry, no puns for the Wahoos. I don’t actually see the Wahoos, except online when I do “research,” but they look pretty impressive, right? Almost .500 as a bunch of rookies? That’s pretty good. Hmmm, that’s not very insightful… but I’m rarely very insightful. The rookies swept the Twins last week and take on the Americans at Central this week.
13. I’m sorry. The Mart of the Millers (12-18) has played in no fewer than THREE Fun Star games. He pulled me aside Saturday, put me in a choke hold, and made me promise to issue a correction. If I didn’t, he’d send his new best friend Franklin over to my house to verbally harass me until I did. Yikes. No thanks. The Mart has been fun for at least three seasons! There, I said it. Call off your goon! It was Miller Time last week, they beat the Pandas and Bears. Will it still be Miller Time this week against the sOx?
12. The Hops (13-16) struggled last week, dropping two to Hopkins teams. Silver lining: The Kid got RBI #600 against the Aces. Less than 20 players in HRL history have done that. The Hops take on the Braves this week at Sky Hill. Happy belated birthday Tootin’!
11. The Yankees (13-14) were swept by Hopkins last week (Ponies/Puppies). They get to play the Vibes this week (for the second time this month, ew). Some things I noticed… Rocket needs to strike out 5 more batters to get to 1,000. Rocky needs 3 bombs to join the Two Hunny Club… I don’t think I like the sound of that… “Two Hundy Club?” Better… Get to work fellas.
10. Americans (13-11). Did pNut Homer? My new favorite Twitter account. pNut… still on my sh*t list, but also on my list of favorite HRLers. He’s like having a baby brother out there on the field, all innocent and bright eyed and whatnot. I’m definitely not saying that because he’s the size of a baby. Haha, pNut is tiny… anyways, The Americans swept Eagan last week (Fish/Riders) and take on the Wahoos this week.
9. The Mariners (14-15) also swept Eagan last week (Bears/Pandas). This week they take on the Twins. I’m looking at the Mariners schedule to end the season… I’m still betting they finish .500 or better. Go Seamen!
8. RoughRiders (14-14) lost one last week, didn’t enter stats for the other game… sigh… They have this week off. Hmm… what is there to say about these guys? H8R is still on fire… I don’t know what a Mehoff is… Jagr offspring are highly talented wiffleballers, he should be put out to stud… haha, that’s gross… and kind of funny. Seamen.
7. I actually considered snubbing the Rumble Ponies (18-11) from my rankings, like they were snubbed from the All-Star game… but for some reason I think that would be like kicking a hornet nest… and I play them this week… and they’ve been on fire lately. So, here they are. Definitely not being snubbed by Nightmare. Who has always been very fond of the Ponies.
6. You guys remember that time the Braves (18-10) won the All-Star game? Jeez. I do. Wow. I tip my cap to you all. Very well done! Anyways, looks like the Braves lost to the Mets last week because of a late missed field goal, 17-15. WTF? Is that a football score? Jeeez. Then they beat the Twins… who somehow scored without an RBI? Braves take on the Hops this week.
5. Chihuahuas (19-9). The Puppies have been playing great lately, winning 7 of their last 8. More importantly though, they are absolutely crushing fantasy wiffles. 3 of the top 7 players are Chihuahuas… I’m going to stop right there. There’s no way to make that funny… at least not by me. The only thing I’m worse at than telling jokes is fantasy wiffleball… meh… The Puppies take on the Aces this week.
4. The Mets (18½ -5) scored a lot of runs last week. This allowed them to eek past the Braves and the Nuts. This week they take on the Rubber Ducks. Will they score another 33 runs this week? Does Taco have another 9 bombs in him? Only time will tell.
3. The Vibes (20-8) swept the Ponies and Puppies last week and take on the Yankees this week. If they sweep tonight, the Vibes will go undefeated in July. That’s pretty cool. Fun story (and I’m a Fun Star, so I know what fun is): I have been going through all the video and photos from Fun Star weekend, and Huck Finn has a different beverage in almost every shot. I think I’m going to start the campaign “Huck for Fun Star” right now, cause from the looks of things, he had fun. Also, he’s awesome.
2. Grasshoppers (23-3) swept Eagan last week. Pretty uneventful overall. Nothing significant happened whatsoever. Word around the campfire is that Cakes is unhappy that he isn’t getting any innings on the mound. Anyone who saw the n00b-star game saw he has some skillz… is this the week the Hoppers unleash Cakes… on the Ponies. Maybe. Speaking of the Ponies, anyone who reads the rankings (so, everyone) knows, I love the Ponies. It’s a scientific fact. But if they try and move in on my video turf this week… we’re going to have problems.
1. Aces (27-0). I was SUPER tempted to leave the Aces out of the rankings (again), but they asked really nicely this weekend to be included in the rankings again. And by “asked really nicely,” I mean they repeatedly nagged me about it at every opportunity. Sometimes I have to remind myself that these guys are just kids (except for old Webby). Very talented kids, but kids nonetheless. And kids are pestering (from the word “pester,” a verb meaning to trouble or annoy someone with frequent or persistent requests or interruptions) and antsy (adjective meaning agitated, impatient, or restless)… Anyways, when do classes start back up at the U? And is Dumpy enrolled in any night classes? Specifically, Thursday night classes? Asking for a friend.