HRL Power Rankings – Week 16
By Nightmare –
I”ve been staring at this computer screen for a long while and nothing is coming to mind. No inspiration. No cleve or funny random thoughts. Nothing.
So, I’m at the point where i ask myself, "Do I keep staring at the screen, praying for inspiration? Or do I just call it a day, throw some crap up here, and submit it so I can be done with it?"
Well, it’s option B. Throw some crap up here and call it a day.
I got absolutely nothing. And what’s worse, these rankings aren’t much better. And this isn’t my pulling a classic Nightmare switcheroo, where I tell you they’re going to stink and then they’re literally the best thing you ever read. These are really, very meh.
And you know why? It isn't that I don't care. I do care. A lot... well, I care a medium amount. It's because all I can think about is fantasy football. We’re a month out, but my brain is already onto football. Any time I let my brain wander, I'm all like, "Should I go RB heavy to start my draft, or go zero RB and get some stud receivers?" Silly, right?
Anyways, I think every year I suggest an HRL fantasy league… and I don’t think we’ve done one in awhile, but if you’re interested, hit me up (wole.awoyinka@gmail.com). I’ll put something together. And maybe we can even get it on the Discord. That's a thing, right? I still don't get it. It's a message board, but somehow it's also for podcasts? and Twitters? Technology... can't wait til that fad is over.
Anyways… youshoudl probably just go for a walk or grab a sandwich or something and don’t even bother reading any further.
Time for jokes…
22. Rubber Ducks (17-13). Word on the street is, “Strike 2 for Nightmare.” OMG. You guys, I can hardly type, I am SHAKING in my boots. Oh no, whatever will I do… not strike 2… Anyways, I listened to your podcast. It’s getting better. You know why? Cause you brought on some Fun Stars, and they make everything more fun. It’s right there in the name! Anyways, thanks for letting a couple of us lowly Fun Stars onto the podcast… It was really gracious of you. Ducks split with the Americans last week, take on the Blue Sox this week. Here’s hoping I can get to strike 3 by the end of these rankings…
21. Trash Pandas (1-28). Kadishak has played 5 games, there are 8 more to go. Can he do it? I hope he can. Pandas play the Bears next. Also, I don’t like the nickname Wiffle Jesus. Does the guy look like Jesus? Yes, he does. Does he play wiffleball? Again, yes. But we already have a wiffle Jesus, his name is JC.
20. Lugnuts (3-28). Franklin has double-digit homeruns. I instantly have a migraine seeing that. And what the F is this? This can’t be right… the Nuts split with the Hops last week? Watch out Vibes, Franklin and the Nuts are RED HOT!
19. Twins (7-22). *****FANTASY ALERT***** The Twins game for this week is… cancelled. To be postponed to a later date. Probably a Monday. At this time, I’m not sure. Adjust your line ups accordingly. Last week, when they didn’t bail on their opponent, the Twins split with the Seamen.
18. Bears (7-24). Lost a couple heartbreakers to the Fish last week, look to bounce back this week against the Pandas. The Bears’ last 8 losses are all by 3 or fewer runs. They’re sneaky competitive. I can’t wait to see them upset a couple teams at Wifflepalooza.
17. Blue Sox (7-23). Scored no runs against the Millers last week, look to improve this week against the BlubberDucks. Hopefully, the wind isn’t a factor. Also, who knew Eddie Bauer had a such a great voice for podcasts… I could listen to that guy read the phone book. Also, if you're interested, me and EB decided last night we're going to start a podcast on how to be classy. It should be... pretty short lived.
16. Marlins (11-20). Where the Danny Heck has Neut been this year? I see he’s played 21 games, but I don’t think I’ve seen him (in person or on video) all year. Weird. The Neutless Fish eked out a couple wins over da Bears last week and take on the Yankees this week.
15. Blue Wahoos (11-18½). Now I think they’re bringing in new guys every week just to be annoying. TWELVE players (so far)? Oh Mylanta. Anyways, after dropping a couple to the Americans last week, the Blue Fish hope to make a splash (get it? Cause they’re fish. And fishes splash in the water.) against the Ponies.
14. Millers (14-18). THREE TIME Fun Star and epic podcast guest The Mart and the Millers extended their winning streak to four against the Blue Sox last week, look to make it six straight Ws this week against K-Booty and the Americans.
13. Hops (15-18). I still don’t believe they actually lost to the Nuts… I’m sure this is some sort of prank. Anyways, they have the Bears this week.
12. Yankees (14-16). I’m making a call right now, Rocky hits bomb 200 this week against the Fish. He needs 3. Rocky, don’t make me look stupid(er). Yankees took one of three from the Vibes last week and take on the Marlins this week (obviously, because I just said that).
11. The Mariners (15-16). Back when they were 2-4, I predicted the Mariners would win 15 games. I should have aimed higher. 17. Mariners, win 17 games now! I mean, after your bye cause you’re off this week.
10. RoughRiders (15-14). The horse riders were off last week and take on the Baby Cakes this week. Hopefully, they do better than the last time they met (they got swept and didn’t score a run, but they were without their stud horse Jagr and his offspring. Hi guys!).
9. Americans (16-12). Split with the FlubberDucks Sunday, also play the Millers (and 3x Fun Star The Mart) this week. I am not going to predict Dr. DipPoop hits his 100th HR this week against the Millers.
8. Rumble Ponies (19-12). Split with the Hoppers last week without any drama, rule bending, or Twitter beef… Ponies look to stay hot against the Wahoos this week. More importantly, they hope to extend their “Twitter incident free” streak to one week.
7. Braves (19-11). Split with the Hops last week and they are on a bye this week. When they come back from their bye, Sanchez will work on becoming only the second player in HRL history to strike out 1,000 times. I’m hoping #1000 comes against Truck. I miss you on the podcast Sanchez. Get back here and control your guy Stache.
6. Baby Cakes (24-7). Beanie Baby Cakes bounced back last week, taking a couple easy ones against the Nuts. They take on RoughRiders this week and it’ll probably be a fun couple games… yeah… I’ve got nothing snarky to say. Dang.
5. Vibes (22-9). Huck Finn, remember when we hung out two weekends in a row? And one time wasn’t even for a wiffle event. That was fun. Less fun was the Vibes losing their final game of July against the Yankees… The Family takes on the Nuts this week. Are we all super excited about whatever nonsense Epstein is doing on the interweb? All this hype about a pizza guy? I don’t understand him sometimes… any of the times.
4. Mets (20½ -5). Everyone knows I’m horrible at research. I’m even worse at math. That being said, my math and research tells me Taco has 13 HRs and 27 RBI in his last five games. The guy is on fire. Some might say he’s peaking at the right time. That’s unfortunate for any of the teams he’s got to play… [Nightmare checks the schedule: Poop.] Anyways, the OG wiffle Jesus, JC, and the Mmmmets extended their winning streak to four games against the RubberDorks last week and they take on the POWERHOUSE PUPPIES this week. Good luck, Mets. You’re going to need it against those giant killers.
3. Grasshoppers (24-4). Your favorite insect-themed team doesn’t play this week. I guess that’s important to a couple people. More importantly, the Hoppers split with the Rumble Ponies last week and I found them to be very pleasant young men. Except for Sharpie. That guy… watch out for him is all I’m saying. Anyways, no Hoppers this week, I don’t think. Maybe Monday, if you want to risk your fantasy wiffle team on K-Mart’s ability to find and field a team…
2. Aces (28-1). I mean, what can I say that hasn’t already been said on Twitter? The Aces have a week off to figure out how they’re going to salvage the rest of their season.
1. Chihuahuas (20-10). If you beat the best, then you are the best.