HRL Power Rankings – Week 17 – STACHE TAKEOVER
By Nightmare STACHE
THIS IS CASEY. AKA STACHE. AKA MR. PODCAST. AKA THE MOST HATED MAN IN THE HRL.
NIGHTMARE SUCKS AT RANKINGS.
We’re all thinking it, I’m just saying it out loud.
So this week, I’m taking over the Power Rankings.
Nightmare has been texting me recently, complaining about how hard the rankings are. And asking me why can’t he be as good at ranking teams as I am doing a podcast? How do I make it seem so easy? Why can’t he be as good as me? Why? Why? Whine!
I told him to suck it up and stop whining. But he wouldn’t. So, I says, “step aside little man, let me show you how it’s done!”
First, this week’s rankings are going to be a little different. Mostly, because the old way sucks!
This week, I’m going to rank each team by how much I hate them. It was a difficult process. But not really.
“Ok time for jokes!” What a stupid thing to say every week. Time to tell you why I hate you.
[Nightmare/Editor’s note: I don’t think Stache actually hates anyone, aside from me. I’m pretty sure this is all a joke… I’m also pretty sure Stache actually wrote these too. It definitely isn’t just me pretending to be Stache to turn more people against him… or is it?]
[Nightmare Disclaimer (can I have a note right after a disclaimer? I don’t know, I guess so.): The following rankings are the ramblings of Stache, and Stache only. The views and opinions expressed below do not reflect those of Nightmare or the HRL. They are just the ramblings of a guy who has never seen Fight Club or heard of the Temptations.]
22. Rubber Ducks (19-13). How could I hate the team I play for? Answer: I CAN’T. That’s why I ranked them so low. If I could, I’d rank them even lower. Or maybe just leave them off the list entirely, but that’s the kind of weak sauce that hack Nightmare would pull. Not me. The Ducks do nothing but keep the peace in the HRL. So, I’m here to say, there is no reason to hate us… except maybe cause you ain’t us.
21. Millers (14-20). Everyone knows I want to play on the same team as Bliss Jr. and The Mart. What I hate most about this team is they don’t win enough, and they are too kind on the field. Come on guys, get mad at people, stop being so nice!
20. Marlins (11-22). Maybe I should rank this team lower. Higher? Which way means I hate them less? I don’t know, but I thought maybe they should be tied with the Rubber Ducks. I couldn’t think of a reason… but then I remembered you let Box retire. And for that, I don’t think I can ever forgive you. [Nightmare: agrees 100%.]
19. Hops (15-18). These are fun guys to hang around when you want to drink. One of the best [Nightmare: THE best.] drinking teams in the league. They are sponsored by a brewery for crying out loud! But when it comes to wiffleball, it’s like they made the World Series once and didn’t care after that. Just by getting there, they were satisfied. WTF? Ever since, this team is more about socializing than it is about actually playing wiffleball. Get your priorities straight, Hops!
18. Trash Pandas (4-30). In the words of Green Day, “I don’t know you, but I think I hate you.” I don't know you guys well enough, that's why I don't like you. That's my fault. Do you wanna grab drinks so I can find out why I don't like you?
[Nightmare note: That first bit about Green Day was me. Stache has probably never heard of Green Day.]
17. Bears (7-26). You guys have Truck. I want Truck on my team. Until then, I hate you.
16. Twins (7-22). You guys are the oldest team in the league.....and it's not even close. When are you finally going to embrace the suck and just retire! Quit hanging onto your one Championship [from] 19 years ago. [Nightmare: Wow. That’s… harsh. Coming from a guy who has never even made it to the second round of the playoffs, let alone a World Series… And I’m pretty sure I’m older than all the Twins too… so, wow. You’re mean.]
15. Blue Wahoos (12-19½). You’ve got a softball team’s worth of guys on your roster and you can barely field a team every week. You caused Sharpie to have a season ending injury. Just… do better.
14. Braves (19-11). Sanchez saaaays, “You guys have way too much history and all-time numbers on your team, and I hate that. You have too much, share it with some other teams, players… anybody. Stop hoarding it! Stop being so good!” [Nightmare: I get it, he’s your podcast co-host, but you can still throw a little shade his way. Like, hey Sanchez, good luck on 1000 strike outs tonight! Or something like that. Jeez.]
13. RoughRiders (18-16). I’ve got nothing clever to say here. Hmm. I guess this is what Nightmare feels like. All the time. It’s a weird feeling. Anyways, I guess I hate these guys because they play in Eagan. That’s plenty of reason to hate them. Ha! Take that!
12. Yankees (16-16). Having been a Twins fan for many, many years (until recently)… I have to hate you. I haven’t seen the Twins win a playoff game in over a decade (the real Twins or K-Mart’s bunch of geezers, BURN!). I hate that. Maybe if you change your team’s name, you’d be ranked lower.
11. The Mariners (15-16). You beat us twice this year, each game in extras. Plus, you have the coolest dude in the league on your team (Diddy). I wish I played with Diddy, but he bailed on me for Factor Opening Day, and I hate your whole team for that.
10. Chihuahuas (20-12). I wanted the Chihuahuas to win their division this year, but you go and take it by storm and fashion. [Nightmare: what does that even mean, “by storm and fashion?” Aren’t they wearing the same jerseys as last year?] You beat the Aces, something no other team has been able to do. Why did you have to make me look like a fool? [Nightmare: because it’s so easy?]
[Nightmare note: This is about where Stache started running out of steam. He started strong, but it seems he hit the wall and started experiencing what I call, “rankings fatigue.”]
9. Americans (20-12). These guys are just mean to each other. [Nightmare: says they guy writing an entire article being mean to other teams.] They have better chemistry with other teams than they do with each other.
8. Grasshoppers (24-4). Nightmare is on this team. All year long he has been twisting my words from the podcast. Well, I'm here to tell you this is the reason the Hoppers are ranked this high. Nightmare, remember when you made fun of the RubberDuck logo for wearing a mask? Well, you should check your Twitter page and pick a new logo for your team. Your face makes it seem like you are proud of it.
7. Vibes (22-9). Epstein tried to recruit me to his team a couple years ago. He was willing to give me whatever I wanted. I could rename the team, design the logo, steal his social security number. Anything! Once I found out I wasn't the only one he was trying to woo, I told him we were done. Epstein is a snake of a manager. Is he even the manager of the Vibes?
6. Baby Cakes (25-8). Some history here. I first learned of the HRL through Wifflin’ for Wishes. There, my first year we ran into Team Chotch. Do you know who was on that team? Dr. Seuss. This was 2007, I didn't record a hit that day and lost in the elite eight. Fast forward to 2022, I still don't have a hit off Dr. Seuss.
5. Lugnuts (3-28). Franklin. Also, Twizzler.
4. Mets (22½-8). [Nightmare note: what Stache wrote here was so mean, so angry, so… inappropriate, I had to delete it all. His landlord is on this team, and for his own sake, I won’t show what he wrote. I don’t want him evicted from his place. Stache, it’s just wiffleball, no need to get thrown out of your house for the sake of making a couple jokes. Jeez… they were hilarious though.]
3. Aces (31-1). Try Hards. Cup Chasers. Younger (except Web Gem). Better looking. Better players than me. Do I need to say more? [Nightmare: I know, this applies to a lot of teams, especially the younger and better looking parts… but as I said, he got hit with rankings fatigue.]
2. Blue Sox (7-27). Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Two Bat, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Pork Buoy, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade, Vlade.
1. Rumble Ponies (20-13). Please see the link for reference. [Nightmare note: Stache included a link here, but when I clicked on it, it didn’t go where it was supposed to. It went to his Twitter, but not to the GLORIOUS back-and-forth between the Ponies/Ducks. I think we’re all aware of what happened though. So, you get it, Stache hates the Ponies. Nightmare, however, loves the Ponies and IS PRAYING TO THE WIFFLE GODS that we see a Ponies-Ducks matchup in Wifflepalooza.]
Here’s to good weather, good wiffleball, and cold beer.
Until next time… NIGHTMARE SUCKS!