HRL Power Rankings – Week 18
By Nightmare
When the Godfather speaks, Nightmare listens.
The text came in midday, unsolicited and unexpected. I hadn’t asked anyone for rankings ideas. I wasn’t expecting any. So, I was caught off guard when Truck, the Godfather of the HRL, sent me a text message.
It seemed run of the mill. Not an order. Not a directive. Just a suggestion. You know, hey, here’s an idea. Take it or leave it.
“Fun Fact: there are 22 ‘streets’ in Monopoly and 22 teams. Maybe next power rankings ties a team to a street, from Boardwalk and Park Place on down to Baltic & Mediterranean.”
That’s it.
Some of you might have taken this as a suggestion. Something to think about. Something to put on the backburner. “Sure,” you’d say, “if I don’t have an idea some week, I’ll use that one.”
But not me. I dropped everything and got to work. The Godfather made a suggestion.
Of course I could have refused, or put it off, but I’m having a great season… it would be a shame if anything happened to it. Maybe I’d find my favorite bat run over in the parking lot. Maybe my lucky hat disappears ahead of the playoffs. No thanks, I’m not taking any chances…
Just kidding, the Godfather doesn’t work that way. In reality, I took his suggestion because the man has earned that much. He has earned my respect. You want to see rankings about Monopoly? Arguably the most infuriating and aggravating board game of all time?
Yes, Godfather.
Time for jokes…
[Huh… this is weird. I went back to the original text… and I realize I never even replied to it. He might have thought I was ignoring him. Uh-oh. Not smart to ignore the Godfather… I better go check for a horse’s head in my bed…]
22. Trash Pandas (4-30). Mediterranean Avenue. Apparently the first few properties were originally purple (how I remember them), but later the good folks at Parker Brothers decided to turn them brown. Brown, like poo. Poo, like a 4-30 season. The Pandas are off this week.
21. Lugnuts (4-31). Baltic Avenue. To this day, I target the purple (brown) corner of the board. They’re cheap and easy to get… like Franklin! (meh). Lugnuts beat the Vibes last week? What are the odds of that? Very small. Did the Vibes lose a bet or something?
20. Bears (7-27). Oriental Avenue. I think a lot of the properties on the initial stretch of Monopoly get overlooked. But not by me. These properties, a lot like the Bears, can be surprising. The Bears have played most teams very close this year, and I predict they also put some things together to surprise some teams in the final weeks of the season and Wifflepalooza.
19. Blue Sox (7-27). Vermont Avenue. I found an interweb site all about Monopoly. Full of people who nerd out over the game like… we nerd out over Wiffleball. (Respect Monopoly nerds!) Anyways, they say, “Vermont is cheap, relatively inexpensive, and serves as a good source of cash…” Like [insert Blue Sox player]’s mom! The Blue Sox play the Twins this week (if they don’t cancel).
18. Marlins (11-25). Connecticut Avenue. According to the Monopoly nerds, a hotel on Connecticut has the highest return on investment in the game. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it made me think of Pablo. Something, something, Pablo is awesome and a great “investment.” Pablo solidifies himself as one of the greatest rookies of all time this week as the Marlins finish the regular season against the Cakeless Babies.
17. Twins (8-23). St. Charles Place. I’ve lost track of how many times the Twins have bailed on playing us the past couple weeks. I think it’s three times? And now they want to play us on a night I can’t make it. You suck Twins. BOO!
16. Millers (14-20). States Avenue. The Mart says I’m not that smart because I do horrible research. So, I decided to research the heck out of this entry. First, did you know Bliss Jr. has never played Monopoly? Smitt Dogg was born in France and speaks fluent French. Dr. K dropped out of medical school to pursue fashion design. Wonderboy operates a thriving landscaping business called, “I’m Sexy and I Grow It.” KoL appeared on the Price is Right and won a new car, spun $1 on the big wheel, but lost in the Showcase Showdown. The Mart is right, I’m not that bright and I'm horrible at research.
15. Blue Wahoos (14-20). Virginia Avenue. For about a decade I wouldn’t eat spaghetti. If you offered me spaghetti, I’d paraphrase Mitch Hedberg and tell you I don’t like spaghetti because no matter how hungry I am, I don’t want to eat 1,000 of anything. That’s too damn many! I know I’m supposed to be talking about Monopoly right now, but I just saw the Wahoos have 12 players on their roster. There’s only like 100 people in the whole league. 12 on one team? That’s too damn many. The Wahoos play the Mets and Aces next, probably both at the same time… they’ve got enough players…
14. Mariners (16-17). St. James Place. The Monopoly nerds think St. James (and the other orange properties) are some of the best in the game. Statistically speaking, they’re landed on a lot, it is relatively cheap to build there, and the cost of landing on one of these is high. That’s all good stuff. Similarly, I think the Mariners are all good stuff. They also have great stats, I think like the orange properties, they’re underrated, and I think landing on this team (in Palooza) will be costly. (Hey, I like what I did there.) I think the Mariners could be a sneaky good pick to win some Palooza games… yeah, I’m putting that out there now. Beware: The Mariners. The Seamen hope to make a splash (ew) against the Aces this week. Can the Seamen be the third team to douse the Aces? Only time will tell how the Seamen come out this week. (Hi Jagr Jr!)
13. Hops (18-19). Tennessee Avenue. Oh boy. I just used up all my good orange material for the Mariners… Umm, Tootin’ loves beer! Speaking of beer, I don’t think I ever mentioned that I got to pregame in Eagan a few weeks back, and apparently that whole Baldman Brewing pregame situation was spearheaded by the Hops. So, I mean no matter what else happens this season, that’s a win for them. Hops are off this week.
12. Yankees (17-17). New York Avenue. I swear that the Yankees landing on New York Avenue was totally random. I didn’t even notice until my second time through. That’s weird, huh? That sort of random coincidence is probably all I need to write here… Yankees take on Hoover and the Nuts this week.
11. RoughRiders (20-16). Kentucky Avenue. Less fun, but also a happy coincidence: the RoughRiders land on Kentucky Avenue. Their logo is a horse. The Kentucky Derby. Is that too far of a stretch? This is hard guys and gals. Everyone was so happy and thought Stache was so funny, but I do this EVERY WEEK. He did it once. ONCE! If you like him so much, why don’t you marry him. AAAAAGH. Sorry about that. Anyways, ummm, horses. Kentucky. Riders don’t play this week.
10. RubberDucks (20-14). Indiana Avenue. Did you know you can find 20 varieties of ducks in Indiana… just kidding, I wouldn’t do that… or would I? Indiana is boring. Just like Stache and just like the rankings last week. I don’t know what all you read last week that was so cool, or funny, or awesome, or whatever people kept texting me. Speaking of, people, please STOP texting me telling me how great last week’s rankings were. I get it. You like him better. I don't care. You won't stop me! Whatever, Stache is lamer than Indiana (Franklin is from there, to give you an idea) and you wouldn’t have liked those rankings so much if I didn’t fix all his spelling errors. So there! Ducks come off of an AMAZING win last week against the Aces and take on the Hoppers tonight.
9. Ponies (20-13). Illinois Avenue. I’m reading on this Monopoly page that the red properties, Illinois in particular, are the most underrated, undervalued, and underappreciated properties in the game. Although sometimes misunderstood, Illinois has value and shouldn’t be overlooked. The property should, in fact, be valued and appreciated as much (or more) as some of the more popular and vocal properties in the game… huh, I can’t think of who that reminds me of. My little Ponies (sorry, had to do it) take on the Americans this week.
8. Chihuahuas (21-13). Atlantic Avenue. Do you know who in the HRL I text most with? If you had to guess? Seuss? No. Shipwreck? Nope. Franklin? Ha ha, don’t insult me! It’s A-Jizz. No joke. Cause I manage to fudge up my fantasy wiffle line-up, each and every week. It’s sad really. Not landing on Atlantic Avenue with a hotel sad ($1150), but pretty close. Actually, it isn’t really sad. I do it on purpose, just to hear from A-Jizz. I just want to know he’s okay. Know what’s more than okay? The Pups winning their first division title! That’s cool. And I think true… Pups take on the Millers this week.
7. Americans (20-12). Ventnor Avenue. Nightmare’s most recent Google search: What the fudge is Ventnor Avenue? Favorite result (because it helps me write this entry): Ventnor Ave runs east-west into Ventnor City...It’s mostly residential and gets nicer as you head west. It reminds me of my boy K-Booty who shares my long a$$ commute to wiffles every week. It sucks so hard but gets nicer as we get further west… anyways, that sucked, but really you have no idea how hard this is (that’s what he said?).
6. Braves (22-11). Marven Gardens. Okay, randomly Marvin/Marven Gardens as a property has a lot of (boring) history. All to do with the alternate spellings of Marven/Marvin, and why it did or didn’t change and when… it’s all very boring. Not boring history is all the wiffle history on the Braves. Speaking of... Chops is at 1295 runs and 446 HRs and Sanchez is still at 996 strike outs.
5. Mets (22-11). Pacific Avenue. This is the beginning of the top tier of properties/teams. From here on out, none of these teams would be a surprise champion, and certainly not the defending champs. I don’t care if they’ve lost a few in a row, I think it just makes them better. My ONLY concern about this team moving forward... is Mippey5. Why? The man plays without a shirt. Wifflepalooza is a LONG day to be out in the sun topless. The man will have to overcome hydration issues, the potential for sun burn, leering ladies… Be careful out there, friend. Topless Mippey5 and the Mmmets take on his proteges this week, the Wahoos… I mean, probably not, because they’ll likely just stop at Wendy’s on the way to the game and grab whoever is there to play, but in theory the Wahoos are Mippey acolytes…
4. Baby Cakes (25-10). North Carolina Avenue. North Carolina. Michael Jordan. Many championships. GOAT. Seuss. I bet that embarrassed Seuss a little bit. Good! Anyways, the Cakes are “battling” for the #1 seed in Eagan. With the Vibes. Who just lost to Franklin? So… yeah. Anyways, earlier in the season I think I said the Cakes would struggle after losing Psych and Nightmare… I was wrong. Cakes wrap up the regular season this week against the old Fish.
3. Vibes (25-10). Pennsylvania Avenue. Epstein, my kid fell down. On his own. Jake Fish was helping him up. Because he is a good person. You laugh at kids falling down and getting hurt. That is not what a good person would do. Be better.
2. Grasshoppers (26-4). Park Place. Apparently, the Twins approach the Grasshoppers like most people approach Park Place with a hotel… they avoid it at all costs. THREE TIMES K-MART! Man, that really grinds my gears! Anyways, Park Place is good, the Grasshoppers are pretty good too… whatever… Hoppers play the Ducks this week. And the Twins on Monday. Without me. Cause the Twins hate me and don’t want me to play… punks.
1. Aces (32-2). Electric Company. Cause if you think I’m taking even two seconds to write up how you’re like Boardwalk you have lost your minds.