HRL Power Rankings – Week 19 of 19
By Nightmare
Well, this week was tough. Whereas I usually struggle coming up with a theme or focus for the rankings, this week I had too many to choose from. Sanchez said Kevin Costner movies, and that was very tempting, but he’s not the Godfather, so… sorry. Wifflepalooza and the playoffs are upon us, and that’s “important,” so I figured I’d go that route. But also, midway through I remembered end of season awards… so GO VOTE IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY.
Here’s some suggestions for end of year awards, take ‘em or leave ‘em. Most importantly, just vote, it takes two minutes and it’s kinda fun. I’m sorry if I forgot anyone, I’m doing this without looking at stats, or rosters, and as I’ve mentioned, I’m old and drink too much and my brain is pretty much swiss cheese.
Also, note: you get three votes. First vote gets 3 points, second gets 2, third gets 1. Top scores win the awards… I hope that’s right… anyways, I’m doing my best here, we can’t all be Stache and good at everything dammit!
Eagan
MVP – Seuss… or I guess Epstein. But Seuss never texts me looking for money, so… Vote Seuss! Honorable mention: Scrabble, cause he’s awesome and it would be cool to see a rookie win it.
Yellow Slammer – Epstein or HOV. Most tanks (I lied, I looked up this stat). That’s all I care about. But if you wanna go nuts (or vote for more than 2 people, since you can… Consider Huck, Sanchez, H8R and Scrabble. All hitting the ball real hard… and Scrabble will likely finish with the top average in Eagan, as a rookie, which is impressive AF.
Cy Wiffle – I’m not going to do what everyone thinks I’m going to do. I’m not just going to say “Vote Seuss” because that’s TOO OBVIOUS. Just kidding, vote Seuss. Unless they change the name of the award to the “Seuss Wiffle…” Anyways, Seuss, Epstein… then maybe Scrabble (okay, obviously I’m peeking at the stats… and this is surprising).
Sticky Paw – It’s a toss up, HOV or Wish. Either is awesome and deserving. Third vote maybe give it to Rocky, Pooh, or Shipwreck. Rocky steals from me, but I love him. Pooh and Shippy have made many a clutch play for me… So many deserving dudes…
Cust – Shipwreck comes to mind first, because he’s made of glass…
Rookie of the Year – Scrabble should get all three of your votes. If that isn’t possible, Pablo, Hondi, and Mehoff area ll doing well. I seen the first two, no idea what a Mehoff is…
Most Improvied – The Godfather jumps to mind here. He’s raised his avg 70 points and cut his ERA in half. That’s not too shabby.
Sultan of suck – I’m opposed to this award cause it’s mean. Also, you don’t have a Vlade in Eagan to vote for, so don’t vote… or do, but I’m not telling you who for.
Fun Star – Franklin. Because this is the first (and last) time I’m mentioning him this week.
Hopkins
MVP – I hate talking about myself… but I love when people vote for me. So… you know, do it. Who else is super valuable for their team… Mippey/Taco come to mind, but I think they won’t really make that known til the playoffs… but I know… anyways…. Oh, Air Bud… and Stix/B-Squared.
Yellow Slammer – It’s my article, so I’ll say Griz and Smallpox cause they’re Griz and Smallpox… Taco and Air Bud deserve votes too… Psych. This will be a tough category I think this year.
Cy Wiffle – Another tough choice for folks… Psych never lost a game. But Dumpster has a better ERA… but Nightmare has the most wins… but Bliss Jr. has the most Ks… Can people put aside their… lack of support for the Aces and vote for them? For their sake, I hope so… for my sake, I hope the haters hate….
Sticky Paw – Mippy has no errors all year. and I see Griz locking stuff down every week. Smitt Dogg was an All-Star. Diddy should have been.
Cust – Can I admit I don’t really care about this award? Earlier, I thought it was an injury thing, but now I’m remembering it’s more of a “gives 120% effort” sort of thing… hmm. Dumpy does that. I think Thor does too. Air Jordy could fall into that category too, and I don’t want people forgetting about the Ponies…
Rookie of the Year – Jake Fish. Cakes. I won’t mention any other names out of respect for my teammates. If I didn’t respect my teammates as much as I do, and I really do, I’d mention Shorts and Caveman Kershaw of the Wahoos.
Most Improvied – Paperboy, Air Bud. A-Jizz is a sneaky guy to put here also, average up 50 points, almost 3x as many tanks… B-Squared has a lot more power and a much improved average as well…
Sultan of suck – I hate this award, but obviously Vlade.
Fun Star – Eddie Bauer.
Alright, apologies again for the many, many people I probably forgot to include. I’m not saying these are the ONLY people to consider voting for, I’m just saying GO VOTE and if you need some names to think about, think of these…
Time for jokes…
Wifflepalooza Rankings (per WebGem)
22. Lugnuts (4-33). The Lugnuts finish the season this week against the Trash Pandas in a couple game with “huge” playoff implications… did that sound sincere? Like I really think it matters?
15. Trash Pandas (5-31). The big story here is whether or not Kadishack shows up tonight to take on his wiffle-mentor, Franklin. It would solidify his playoff eligibility and… I don’t care know, pit neighbor against neighbor in a series that, as I mentioned earlier, actually has playoff implications.
14. Blue Sox (7-30). Can the sOx snap at 12-game losing streak to finish the season on appositive note? Will Fukudome be playoff eligible? Can the Blue sOx dig another miracle Wifflepalooza run out of their… hats? Will PorkBot drink too many garage beers Friday night and sleep through the early 945am Palooza start? Only time will tell. I think their games tonight versus the little dogs have some implications… for the sOx. Maybe it factors into who they play in round 1…? Also, it would probably feel pretty good to beat a playoff team before heading… into the playoffs.
13. Bears (7-30). If you listened to Stache’s podcast (and if you didn’t, no one blames you, it’s typically not very exciting), you know the Bears were my dark horse pick to win Palooza. That wasn’t the whiskey talking (entirely). I think they could, they’ve played a lot of close games with Palooza teams this year. They finish their season against the Hops.
12. Marlins (11-28). The Marlins are done? They’re just kickin’ back waiting for Palooza? Nice. Want to know what’s not so nice? If I am to believe my sources, Shipwreck is out for some, if not all of Palooza. Full disclosure, and you can verify with the Mart, my research is pretty terrible. But I have it on good account (my neighborhood’s group chat), that Shipwreck and his many offspring will be in the Dells until Saturday. That would be a big blow to the fish (That’s a blowfish joke, I just can’t not try and do fish puns with the Marlins)…
11. Twins (11-25). Scouting report: K-Mart can’t hit lob balls. Trust me, keep it under 35 MPH and he’s toast. If he even shows up. Word on the street is, K-Mart’s laying low to conserve energy for the State Fair and his vegan corn dogs… ew! The rest of the Twins play the Millers tonight to wrap up the season.
10. Blue Wahoos (14-23). What’s the point of having jerseys with nicknames on them if those nicknames don’t match the website? You have too many dudes (and gals?) to be throwing extra names around just for the fun of it. Anyways, be better. Wahoos wrap it up this week against the Aces (a good plan, because of how fertile Webby is… did that joke land? I hope so). They roll into Palooza this weekend with about 20% of their team eligible… maybe 25%... too many people…
9. Millers (16-21). You guys hear how hard Stache dropped the Millers? His favorite team is “dead to him.” His words, not mine. That’s HARSH. The Mart regularly calls me a moron, even to my face, and I still love the guy, and the Millers. The have pitching to win some games this weekend, but (for the last time this season) do they have the run support?
8. Mariners (17-19). Dear Mariners, no pressure, but I said you’d finish .500 this year. You have two games left with the Mets tonight. Do not make me look like a fool! JK, LOL, sweeping the Mets is a tall order. Just try and win one and we’ll be cool. Otherwise, you're deader to me than the Millers are to Stache.
7. Hops (18-19). Just like Andy Mineo, the Hops are coming in hot, just like a fajita. They’ve won 5 of their last 7, they’re scoring some runs… Are the Hops planning to make some noise this weekend? I think they will. The close out 2022 against the Bears tonight.
6. Yankees (19-17). Rocket and Co. finish this season playing 3 against the Braves. Apparently, they want to start playing playoff wiffles a couple days early. The Yankees look to be ready for Palooza, hitting .314 as a team with an OBP of .414. Don’t sleep on the Yankees this weekend. They’ll be ready to go.
5. RubberDucks (20-16). So, this is the first time Old Yeller and the Ducks go to Palooza? That surprised me, but okay. I mean, Yeller was supposed to be at Palooza once before… Ducks, my advice is: Give that man a curfew and make sure he sticks to it! Assuming curfews are in place and the Ducks can get their core line-up to the fields (and not hung over…), I see good things happening for the Ducks. Quack quack.
4. RoughRiders (20-16). These guys could have been my dark horse pick for Palooza as well. And not just because their logo is… a dark horse. They’ve already won a LOT more games that I would have predicted, H8R is putting up great numbers, Jagr is playing as well as he did back in his championship days, and lil’ Jagr (aka “Lil’ J,” aka “Dumpy Jr.,” aka “Nightmare stop making me say Seamen in front of my dad,” aka “Keeks”) is turning into a pretty good player himself… this team has the offense, I worry about the pitching… but they could make a run. They finish the year playing the Vibes.
3. Rumble Ponies (21-14). Can the Ponies do it again? In 2020 the Ponies shocked the League and won Palooza. They’re a better team now, so it wouldn’t be as surprising if they did it again, but it would still be cool. They finish the season tonight against the Ducks.
2. Americans (21-14). Question of the day, does pNut show up tonight against the Hoppers to earn his batting title like a grown up? Or does he keep hiding in Alaska?
1. Mets (25-11). “Oh gosh! Cool! Tell him happy birthday!” That’s what my kid said when I told him it was Mippey’s birthday yesterday. That doesn’t sound that exciting, but he was watching TV at the time. And normally, if he’s watching TV, I could tell him the house was on fire and I’d be lucky to get any reaction whatsoever. So… yay, good for Mippey. Anyways, happy birthday Mip, I wish I knew the other night, that could have been a birthday dinner. We could have had cake or something… oh well. I think the Mets are locked in #1 seed. My thoughts on the Mets Palooza chances are well documented. Good luck gents, you probably won’t need it.
Eagan
3. Braves (24-11). Another Eagan team heading into the playoffs playing very well. I’m a little disappointed we won’t see The Man in the playoffs, but the Braves also have Scrabble, who’s also a man! That sounded cooler in my head. Anyways, they play a few against the Yankees today before having the weekend off. Which is good, because I think Sanchez will be at a block party drinking pilsners and watching Kevin Costner movies…? That can’t be right? I kind of blacked out near the end of the podcast.
2. Vibes (26-11). There was a stretch of about a year where I didn’t open a text or answer a call from Epstein. Calls, straight to voicemail. Texts, deleted without being read. I don’t know why I changed my Epstein Communication Policy… sigh, Epstein if I don’t want to pay $250, why would I try and come up with $600? You confuse me… yet… at the same time, thanks for thinking of me… I guess? Anyways, did you guys hear that? It’s the Duehns’ post-season alarm clock. Playoff Huck and Postseason Wish are waking up. You’ve been warned.
1. Baby Cakes (28-10). The Beanie Baby Cakes are done already too? Does that mean they’re locked as a #1? I don’t understand math all the time. Anyways, what a great season for the Cakes. Everyone thought they’d struggle after losing two players… but I guess those two guys just didn’t mean that much to the Cakes after all.
Hopkins – The Superior City in Every Way
3. Chihuahuas (22-15). Welcome to not being part of Palooza! You get your Saturday back! And I guess, congrats on walking more times than any other team. I’m having trouble trying to think of anything positive to say about you as you’re locked in as my playoff opponent, right? And is that a second year in a row? It is.
2. Grasshoppers (30-4). Grasshoppers wrap up their season with a couple meaningless games against the Americans. I think they’re meaningless anyways. I’ve stopped trying to figure that stuff out. Anyways, on behalf of the Grasshoppers, I wanted to thank the entire league for not allowing us to play a single game 3. Not one. I hope you’re all happy…
1. Aces (34-2). It’s the last week, I can’t ignore the Aces again, can I? Yes, I can. And originally I planned to. Then I realized that I really needed to include the Aces. So I could thank them. Thank you, Aces, for giving the entire league someone to root against.