Why They Will/Won't Win

Why they’ll win: When you have the 1st and 2nd place hitters on the all-time chart for hits and home runs it’s hard to not take that team seriously, but I think the real story surrounding the 2022 Braves is the seemingly out-of-the-blue campaign that their rookie Scrabble has put together. 3rd in hits, 11th in home runs, 24th in RBIs, and 2nd in BA (trailing the lead by .001) is quite the first year for a guy who shares the same name as a board game. When you mix a splash of new talent into the seasoned Braves lineup you have a recipe for a sneaky good run deep in the playoffs.

Why they won’t: Their midseason matchup with their first round opponents didn’t go quite to plan. Two losses that accounted for a 2-15 aggregate score where they mustered only two base hits isn’t promising. It could very well be looking like bad vibrations in the postseason for the Braves.

Why they’ll win: This team hits the ball deep and they do it a lot. More so than any other squad in the HRL this season where they totalled for 121 DONGS while boasting a HRr of 7.83. Having the Duehn brothers in the field is a connection like no other when it comes to fielding prowess either, essentially growing up in the weeds of Factor Field from the countless amounts of diving catches has translated into no safe space to hit the ball on an HRL field.

Why they won’t: Charging into the city playoffs is not exactly what the Vibes are doing. With the final three series of the season resulting in splits, momentum could be a deciding factor for this team when it comes down to crunch time. The late season struggles will come back to haunt this talented Eagan squad and take the batteries out of the Vibes.

Why they’ll win: So close yet so far is the common saying when regarding the previous year’s runner-ups and for this Baby Cakes team I’d imagine the 2021 World Series loss is still fresh in their minds. Coming so close you can taste it, only to have the plate taken away from the table and the meal dumped in the garbage is the exact type of fuel powering this upcoming postseason for the Cakes. It’s well established that they have the pitching and added a more than reliable bat with Hondi coming into the fold, the Baby Cakes Revenge Tour will end with the script flipped this season

Why they won’t: During my short tenure in the HRL, this is the toughest break for a city winner to get drawn that I’ve ever seen as they host the reigning champs in the first round. Despite a 7-0 thumping of the (at the time) Taco-less Mets in their lone meeting this year, playoff wiffleball is a completely new season and this World Series rematch of a calendar ago could end the revenge tour before it even has a chance to begin.

Why they’ll win: I was unable to attend Wifflepalooza but while I was working at the fair grounds I could’ve sworn I heard a collective gulp from every playoff team in Eagan upon the realization that the Mets will have to pave their way through Eagan en route to back-to-back titles. With their three-headed pitching monster, no easy outs while batting, and the fresh face of Dox set to make his postseason debut, this Mets team is built to win big games which is why JC and the rest of the Mets will get to go on another bender after hoisting the cup.

Why they won’t: The reigning champs have a much different road, literally, to the World Series this season. All of those miles making the drive back and forth can create wear and tear (but mainly frustration) on a team that typically sets up shop in Hopkins. That with the extra pressure of each opponent knowing they could be the ones to dethrone the champs could prove to be a task that’s simply insurmountable. “Meet the Mets! Greet the Mets! Come on down and beat the Mets!”

Why they’ll win: Scrappy, gritty, and plucky are just a few words that describe the Americans in 2022. The perennial Palooza winners are back again for another stint in the postseason and with a slightly different look than before. Team USA added an all-star hitter in pNut who led the HRL with a .435 BA and bring three incredibly reliable pitchers with them into the playoffs. One of which is Lulu who despite posting a career-high ERA of 3.33, not bad at all, this season could easily pitch like he carries a 1.33 ERA when he’s in his groove. It’ll take a run through a gauntlet but the Americans will tough it out and hoist the cup.

Why they won’t: Something along the lines of Dr. Dipshit missing games because he’s either late getting food or playing pickup basketball with strangers at the park which leads to Lulu tearing into him for the entirety of the night, also they face the Aces in the first round.

Why they’ll win: The Dogs are fresh off their first non-palooza playoff berth and have the likes of Air Bud and Nickname to thank for it. Both of which had career years with Air Bud catapulting himself to HRL Home Run King. HRL Walk King Murse will look to continue his OBP prowess in the playoffs and the mid-season pitching emergence of Groot adds a RHP that they lacked to start the year. Seeing that the Pups are the only team in the city playoffs to beat the Aces, I think it’s safe to say “why not them?”, because after all everyone loves a good underdog story (see what I did there?).

Why they won’t: Clinching the division early comes with a downside and that’s not having that feeling of “must-win” games down the stretch which the Dogs have had their past three seasons. Stumbling into the playoffs with a record of 4-5 over their final nine games could potentially set the Dogs up for a rude awakening against a Grasshoppers side who outscored them 16-0 in their lone series this year.

Why they’ll win: Carrying a 9-game win streak into the playoffs could count for “peaking at the right time” which a lot of times in any sport is exactly what’s needed to go the distance. The momentum behind this team paired with the massive 3-punch combo in their batting order can make any elite pitcher tremble in their cleats/turf shoes/insert other footwear here. They’ve also helped the blossoming of Hopkins ROY contender Jake who for some reason doesn’t have a nickname yet. Here’s my suggestion/thought process, name is Jake Fish, fish makes me think of fish sticks (feel free to make a fat joke), fish sticks make me think of South Park and Kanye, so something like Kanye, Ye, Yeezus, or Jeezus. Anyways, G-Hops in 4.

Why they won’t: To say that their series against the Aces went well this year would be a lie. Most wiffleball pundits would say that it did not go well. So if higher seeds prevail in round one that matchup could revive some early season demons, but the main reason why they won’t is their other notable rookie Cakes is currently writing many checks on good ol’ Twitter dot com that he’s going to have to hope he and the rest of the team can cash. Otherwise they would look awfully silly and that would be a real shame.

Why they’ll win: This team isn’t just better at wiffleball than your team, they also eat, sleep, brush their teeth, etc. better than you and your team. They have pitching, hitting, speed, enthusiasm, and a lot more. They also bring a 1.00 CBPRP (Child Birthed Per Rostered Player) into the playoffs. The main reason why they’ll win is because they’re the villain and they know it, they embrace it, they wear it almost with a badge of honor. Just like how in professional wrestling a loveable baby face is just as good as a phenomenal heel, the Aces are that heel and they are perfectly fine with it. They show up to the fields to strike you out, hit dongs, and chew bubblegum. Unfortunately for every other team, they’re all out of bubblegum.

Why they won’t: Much like the Death Star the Aces are big, scary, and very capable of committing genocide if they wanted to, but they also have a major weakness like the long tube that Luke Skywalker shot his missiles into to destroy the Death Star and save the day. Losses to the Chihuahuas and Rubberducks showcased this and proved to the rest of the league that these guys are human. Really gifted wiffleball players but humans nonetheless. Similar to how the CCCP hockey team lost to a scrappy USA team made up of college kids, could the “Miracle on Dirt” happen on Monday night?