HRL Power Rankings – 2023, Week 1
By Nightmare aka “Mr. Eagan” (formerly “Mr. Hopkins”) –
It’s April 17, 2023, about noon o’clock. Current weather conditions: Sunny, 39 degrees, windy AF. Perfect wiffleball weather.
So, typically I start the season’s rankings with something or other about how much I love wiffleball and the HRL. Well… this year will be no different.
This past weekend, I unofficially kicked off my 2023 season by attending a birthday celebration hosted by one of our most beloved HRLers. I didn’t count, but there were at least a dozen players from the league, representing about a half dozen different teams. Having missed the Winter Meeting (due to a NIGHTMARE of a hangover), this was my first significant league contact in the 214 days since the Aces won the cup.
(Congrats to Psych and the Aces by the way! No one thought this plucky group of nobodies could put it all together and win The Cup. Way to prove everyone wrong! Yay?)
Anyways, I am not a “Year One” guy. I’m not one of those esteemed few, but I have been around longer than most (16 seasons). In that time, I feel like I’ve seen it all. The league has had its ups and downs, and like many (some?) I’ve questioned the choice to dedicate so much time and energy to the league, and this game, for such a long time.
But this past Saturday, as I stood there in a bowling alley surrounded by HRLers and cramming my mouth hole full of bar food, I was reminded why this league means so much to me and why I’ll continue to dedicate a crazy amount of time to the league for years to come.
As I stood there, nacho toppings everywhere, I watched my kid going back and forth between all his Youtube/HRL heroes. Mippey, Smallpox, Epstein, The Wish… even Stache (to name a few). He admires these guys more than they know, and they spent so much time with him, more than they had to, and I love them all so much for it. And even more, I really fell a little bit more in love with the HRL that brought all these great people (and Mippey) into my family’s life.
I’m the boy’s father, I have to pretend to care about Fortnights and Mindcrafts and Youtubes, but those guys don’t. They could have blown him off to talk “adult” stuff and drink beer, but they didn’t. So thanks, you made that kid’s month. I only hope in some small way, as an old man when you guys entered the league, I helped make a day or two for you. Or maybe I haven’t yet, but I’ll try.
This weekend I saw couples, best friends, brothers, fathers/sons, new friends who met through the HRL… all hanging out together and having a blast. And that’s what it’s all about friends, getting out there and spending time with wonderful people playing a great sport. (Don’t get me wrong, I AM trying to crush you when I’m out there, but I genuinely love you while I’m trying). This is more than just a summer sports league. If you want that, go join a rec softball team. This is something much more.
Twenty years ago Truck got this great thing rolling. I love him so much for that (among other things). I am super excited for year 20, let’s all make the most of it!
Time for jokes…
[So… I feel like I cut the intro short… but at the same time, it felt like it was getting a little wordy… dang… sorry. Still not in mid-season rankings form… give me a couple months, I’ll get there…]
24. Space Cowboys
Pitching:C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Franchise Naming: A+
I have no idea who these folks are. Beyond Sully, this team is a mystery. I heard a few of the guys did Wifftoberfest 2022, but I have no idea if that is even true or not. So… how do you rank a team like this? The last time I knew this little about a new franchise was the Lugnuts (who I ranked #13 at the time… sigh)… and we all know how that turned out… Anyways, I’m excited to see what Sully does in his first (I think) run at managing a team. I think we can all assume they’ll be a great team to share the rinks with, but I have no idea how they’ll perform.
23. Cyclones
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Another new team, fortunately I know a bit more about this team. First and foremost, this team features a father-son duo. I love to see it. And they mix some new blood with some veteran experience (McGruber & T’Mac). I love to see that too! But I’ve been wondering… like… will there be Cyclone Huddles now? Or did the Yankees keep the huddles in the divorce?
22. Lugnuts
2022 Record (5-34)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Hamm’s consumption: A+
Originally, I’d written a bit here about how I’ve been missing Franklin this off season, about how I knew I’d regret saying that as soon as the season started… Well, I’m actually regretting it even sooner than that because good ol’ Sweet Feet Frankling decided to start (and blow up) an HRL text thread the other night that promised this season would be full of Franklin chirping on the mound, tickling our innards, and pecking that ass… I’m not sure what he means, but I certainly missed the ramblings of that senile old man.
21. Trash Pandas
2022 Record (7-32)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
The last time I saw the Trash Pandas, Average Joe was trash talking Dr. Seuss and it went really, really poorly for him. I didn’t get to see the Pandas AT ALL in 2022, which is a shame, so I don’t have much to base a ranking on… which has never stopped me before… I’ve heard of a couple of the Pandas, although I never met them. CP, Kadishak, Wiffle Jesus. Cool nicknames, for sure, but can they play? I guess I’ll find out.
20. Bears
2022 Record (7-32)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Sully left the den, which is a huge loss for da Bears, both on and off the field. But Professor and Trucker found the fountain of youth last year. So maybe they won’t miss Sully as much as I think they will… But can Truck and Professor keep performing like they did last year? In what is probably Eagan’s toughest division? I hope so. Also, is their ranking (#20) symbolic as this is year 20 of the HRL? Ummm, sure. And let me be the first to thank the Trucker (in my rankings) for 20 amazing years of wiffles.
19. Blue Sox
2022 Record (7-32)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Off-Season moves: A+
Remember that one time Vlade said I was fun and gave me a hug? I think about it every day, and it reminds me ANYTHING is possible.
18. Twins
2022 Record (12-26)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
Body Hair: A
Hung out with Tony aka TT aka The Thrill aka the Vanilla Thrilla recently. He swears he’s showing up “to at least a few games” this year. Do I believe him? No, not at all. Do I hope I’m wrong? Yes, yes I do. Hmmm, I’m not even sure if that counts as a discussion about the Twins because he isn't technically on the team… or is he? Anyways, I need to start thinking up an excuse to not attend K-Mart’s annual smoke-and-beer-a-thon…oh, and I see K-Mart is looking for hit 1000 this year. Nice.
17. Marlins
2022 Record (11-28)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: C
The Fish added Milton, who I believe will spark the Marlins. He’s the solid every-week pitcher they can build around. The Marlins added Pablo last year who had a great rookie season, and I’m sure he’ll be even better in year 2. I think the Fish bounce back offensively this year and really surge… no… the Fish bounce back and are ready to make a splash. That’s better. [BREAKING NEWS!: someone on the Marlins, I won’t say who, may or may not be expecting their league-leading sixth child. How will this affect his availability this season? I can’t say. But congrats (again) friend. And good luck!]
16. Giants
2022 Record (17-22)
Pitching: B
Hitting: C
Fielding: A-
Bliss Jr., in addition to being a pretty darn good pitcher, was also an All-Star fielder somewhat recently, right? And Smitt Dogg was an All-Star fielder last year… So I have a question for you: Are the Millers the best fielding team in the league? Maybe. Add their above-average pitching, and an offense that picked up a bit last year… and I think that spells trouble… For Hopkins. Not for me, I won’t get to see the Millers this year.
15. Mariners
2022 Record (18-21)
Pitching: C
Hitting: C
Fielding: B
Diddy and Squirrel have been making big strides each of the last couple seasons. Jon-E-Manziel has been improving on the mound as well… not to mention the rest of the squad who all improved their offensive numbers last year… These guys are going to be pretty good. Also, the bird app reminded me this morning about one of my favorite HRL traditions: new jersey day! I can’t wait to see the great jerseys T-Money (new nickname for Trent? Yes? No? Probably no.) put together this year!
14. Hops
2022 Record (20-19)
Pitching: C
Hitting: A-
Fielding: C
Trash Talk: A+
The Hops hit many bombs in 2022. I expect they’ll continue to hit bombs and score many runs in 2023. But can they find the pitching to complement their powerful offense? I think they can… I predict they will. Bold prediction, they give the Baby Cakes a run for their money in the Spoon Division.
13. Blue Wahoos
2022 Record (14-25)
Pitching: B-
Hitting: B
Fielding: A
I think their floor is a .500 season. I can’t figure out what their ceiling is though. I never got a great sense of this team last year because they had a revolving door of players… if they can solidify their squad to a consistent 4 or 5 guys who make it every week and then they take a second year jump (plus The Wish don’t forget)… watch out. Also, T-Sea… keep an eye on that dude. Good kid, and I think has “breakout” written all over him.
12. Rough Riders
2022 Record (21-18)
Pitching: B
Hitting: B+
Fielding: C
This seems awfully low for a team I predict will win their division… Offensively, I think this team will continue to be quite good, but I have some questions about their pitching. Mostly, because I only saw them once last year, so I have no idea what they are capable of. For all I know, Dumpy spent the entire offseason working with Dumpy Jr. and Dumpy Sr. to turn them into a couple Cy Wifflers... If the pitching improves to match the hitting, watch out… ugh, didn’t I just say something almost exactly like this? “Watch out!” What horrible, horrible writing. I sound like an idiot…
11. Yankees
2022 Record (20-19)
Pitching: B+
Hitting: B
Fielding: B
At least on paper, this might be my favorite team in the league: Neutron, Yeller, Rocket, Rocky, Z-Dog. They got hitting, pitching, fielding… I say this as a high compliment: they remind me of my beloved 2016 Reds. The team is “streamlined,” no excess players, which means they’ll all stay very involved and have lots of opportunities to shine. They also all have roles they fit into nicely and they all complement each other in the rink. Plenty of all-around talent, and I predict these guys are going to push each other to their best performances in years. 25 wins, minimum.
10. Rubber Ducks
2022 Record (21-17)
Pitching: B/B-
Hitting: B
Fielding: B
Podcasting: A
No team is going to get better by losing the silver fox, Old Yeller. AND they lost their heart and soul, Face… I have no idea if he actually was the heart and soul… but it sounds good. TwoBat and pNut are nice (although short) additions… but will they be enough to catapult the Ducks to the top of a tough Beardy division with the Mets, Wahoos, and Hoppers…yikes. I dunno… they could win the division… or they could come in fourth… It’s hard to predict… so I won’t try.
9. Rumble Ponies
2022 Record (22-15)
Pitching: B
Hitting: B+
Fielding: B+
These guys have improved every year. Pitching, hitting, online trash talk – across the board, they get better each season. They’re like a fine wine. I’ll call it, Rumble Pony Rose. This fine wine gets better with age, and I see this horse hooch taking another big step this year. Random prediction, the Ponies hand the Aces their first loss of the season. [Editor’s note: The Ponies might be the ONLY thing I’ll miss about Hopkins this year.]
8. Americans
2022 Record (21-16)
Pitching: B+
Hitting: C
Fielding: B
The good news is that the average height of the team went up by about 9 inches with pNut leaving the squad. Hmmm, I wonder how Peach Fuzz, aka Average Joe, aka Ass Cop is handling that move. Are they still on speaking terms? Can these two survive being apart? Anyways, the bad news is that Thunderson bounced too, and he started almost half their games on the mound last year. Looks like the Americans will have some big shoes to fill… and some little shoes as well (pNut!).
7. Mets
2022 Record (27-12)
Pitching: B+
Hitting: B+
Fielding: B
FINALLY. Taco will get a chance to shine now that Mippey is gone and can’t steal all the spotlight. Jeez. JK. Taco’s been atop my list of “underrated” and/or “underappreciated” players for… ever. He’s a beast, and I think he’ll carry this team to very respectable heights this season. Losing Mippey is not ideal, but Thunderson is also a very good player who I think will fit in nicely on this team of mostly experienced, and all very talented players.
6. Grasshoppers
2022 Record (32-4)
Pitching: B- (for now)
Hitting: A+
Fielding: B
Inviting Teammates to Birthdays: F-
Lost Nightmare, which hurts them on the mound, but they got BabyFace which is a HUGE improvement at the plate. In addition, Griz and Pox had “down” years offensively last season (wow). I have ZERO worries about this team scoring runs… offensively, my only worry is that their scoring pen runs out of ink every week… but I do wonder what they’ll do to fill the #2 pitcher role this year behind Grizzy. My prediction is that Cakes is the guy and turns out to be a very solid-to-good pitcher this year. Maybe even good enough to be their #1?
5. Vibes
2022 Record (27-12)
Pitching: A
Hitting: A
Fielding: F (they lost The Wish, so they FAIL)
Yeah… I’ve been thinking about the Vibes a lot lately (obviously). And here’s my take: The Vibes are worse than last year. The Vibes lose The Wish, an all-around great player. He can pitch, he can hit, he can run, and everyone knows he’s a BEAST in the field. The Wish is dope! So how do the Vibes replace a YOUNG, top tier talent? They bring in 16-year veteran… Nightmare? A good player, sure, but he’s OLD and he’s a straight LIABILITY in the field. I’d be LYing, if I said he had fielding ABILITY (Lie+Ability… no?). I dunno. I’m not sure an old veteran is what this team needed. I hope I’m wrong (obviously), but maybe the Vibes should have looked to add someone less likely to break a hip or skip pre-games in order to hit an early bird special.
4. Braves
2022 Record (26-12)
Pitching: B+
Hitting: A
Fielding: B-
The Braves are going to be good. They’ve got some of the most talented/accomplished hitters OF ALL TIME on the roster and they will continue to excel offensively. In addition, their pitching is very good, and I predict will get even better. If I had to name a weakness, I guess it’s fielding, but like… not really. This team is going to be so good. So good I might have to stop making “old man” jokes… MIGHT. Oh, and I don’t have any special to say, I just have to mention Scrabble, cause… he's a stud.
3. Chihuahuas
2022 Record (24-15)
Pitching: B+
Hitting: A-
Fielding: B
Off Season Moves: A+
Added Mippey5 and Face. Lost a Groot. Hard to predict a ceiling for this team. They have improved every year and just added some top tier talent (and Mippey… BURN!). World Series wouldn’t surprise me… I mean, it would (because the Aces), but it also wouldn’t because of the talent on this team. Did I just predict the Puppies make the World Series? Sure, why not. Hmmm… the world knows me and Mippey have a love-hate relationship… the world also knows I love the Pups (minus AJ) and loved them first. How will I reconcile these feelings for Mip and the Pups…? Stay tuned. It may come up again (every week for the next 18-22 weeks).
2. Baby Cakes
2022 Record (28-10)
Pitching: A
Hitting: B+
Fielding: A
Fun fact: In his career, Hondi has NEVER missed the World Series. What? That’s not impressive because he’s only played one season? Fine. Funner fact: Dr. Seuss, over the last decade, has made it to the World Series more times than he’s missed it. The man is magical. Pooh Bear and Palpatine are two very solid guys to have on roster and bring a ton of playoff experience. And HOVy, in my opinion, is one of the best all-around players in the league. This team is built for success, and I see another deep playoff run in their future.
1. Aces
2022 Record (36-2)
Pitching: A
Hitting: A
Fielding: B+
Ability to Play Topless: A+
Everyone who reads my rankings knows: Nightmare puts in ZERO work. He has no sources. He doesn’t do the research. He has no inside information. But this off season was different. I did the work. I checked my sources. I did ALL the research. And my conclusion: No one cares about the Aces. Like no one. Not even a little bit. That being said, the defending CHAMPS stay atop the rankings until someone knocks them off the pedestal. I don’t believe they’ll be as dominant as last year, but they are still THE team to beat.