By Nightmare (with some assistance) –
“N is for Nightmare, the most lovable player in the league.”
-Scrabble
I just wanted to get that out of the way. There’s a small chance not everyone was able to read the EXCELLENT interview of my new favorite guy in the league, Scrabble. You can read the full interview, in the News section on the website, “Get to Know the HRL: Scrabble.”
So, upon re-reading my rankings for this week, I realized I probably should have established (awhile ago) a disclaimer that if you ever text me, call me, or basically talk to me in any way outside the rinks (or probably inside too), it will very likely come up in my rankings. In this week’s rankings, I am referencing a lot of outside conversations I’ve had with folks in the league recently. And I know what you’re thinking, I’m JUST trying to show off how popular I am and how much people talk to me and probably like me. And you’re right!
Time for jokes…
22-24. Cyclones, Pandas (0-2), and Lugnuts (0-0). I never ranked three teams together before… I don’t think. So, I’m trying something new. And it isn’t just because the rankings are late and I am in a hurry. It’s certainly not because I don’t want the Lugnuts “feelin’ good about 22” or whatever they always say. And for sure it’s not just because the Cyclones and Pandas both got kinda screwed with their week 1 matchups…. Wait… yes, all those reasons.
21. Rhinestone Cowboys (0-1). I’m putting it on wax right now: don’t sleep on the Space Cowboys. They may start slow, but I got to watch a little bit of their game against the ‘Riders last week and I see some potential there. To give you an idea, they faced a three man lineup of Hjal/H8R/Varsity and kept it within two. And I was right, they are cool dudes… which is zero percent surprising. I can’t figure out how to fit it in, but I hung out for a little bit with LeoL last weekend. I hear he was a college ball player, and he struck out 11 ‘Riders in his first ever pitching appearance. You’ve been warned! Huh, I guess I did figure out how to work it in. (And for the record, Leo didn’t bring any of this up, I just wanted to add that I got to hang out with him.)
20. Old Bears (0-1), Baby Bears (Cubs?) (0-1). The Bears split their team in half last week, each half playing one game against the Yankees. I don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, this is America, RIGHT?! It’s your team, do what you want!! On the other hand… huh… I guess there is no other hand. Do what you want! Just please keep bringing that Big Bear Energy every week!
19. Blue Sox (0-2). Last week I wrote, “Off-Season moves: A+.” Well, TwoBat, I ALSO said what I said! For some context, Mr. TwoBat sent some texts expressing his…. opinions on this bit of my rankings last week. His words were hurtful, but after a good cry, I’ve managed to get on with my life. Eddie Bauer also had some criticism for my rankings, which is weird, because he usually loves everything I do. Oh well. Vlade said nothing. Which is just how I like it… wait, TwoBat isn’t even on the BlueSox anymore… whatever, I’m just trying to take up as much room as possible talking about the sOx so that Eddie Bauer stops complaining that the sOx don’t get enough ink… even though that isn’t actually what he said, but it’s how I chose to interpret what he said, because it is a lower hanging fruit for me to try and make a joke out of. Also, I only hear what I want to hear, so Eddie and TwoBat, I love you both too!
18. Giants… Sigh… Did I really put “Giants” in here last week? I did, didn’t I? My bad, Millers (0-2). Also, I WILL see the Millers this year. I won’t see the Giants this year… because they aren’t a team. So, technically, I wasn’t wrong? Mr. The Mart, please feel free to drag me for how dumb I am about this. Again, apologies, I’m usually more careful than that… haha, no I’m not.
17. Twins (1-1). Well, well, well… The Vanilla Thrilla, 2023 stats: 2 games played. I don’t mind being wrong this time. In case you don’t know everything about me (and if you don't, shame on you), Thrilla brought Nightmare into the league, so as far as I’m concerned, HE CAN DO NO WRONG (aside from not showing up… for entire seasons at a time… sigh).
[You notice all the italics this week? Just found out I could do that!]
16. Marlins (0-0). If there isn’t a radar gun for the 'Riders/Fish game tonight, it’s because Neut hasn’t texted me back… which is probably on purpose so he can come out tonight throwing straight HEAT. In other news, I think Shipwreck had ANOTHER kid (#7) since last week’s rankings… otherwise he’s just being plain RUDE not responding to my text messages.
15. Mariners (0-0). Trent is going to have a CAREER YEAR. If I said this to his face, he’d deflect and start talking about how well his brother has been playing lately, or how lucky they are to have Diddy, The Brothers, or Mr. Mariner (because that’s what a good/humble dude he is), but write it down, “2023 will be the year of Trent… Coach… Beah?” Also, this past weekend when I was talking to T-Money about the Seamen-Seamen-Seamen (I just remembered, Dumpy Jr. is away at college and not reading these aloud to his dad… oh well), he referred to Jon-E and Dave collectively as “The Brothers…” and I like that. A lot. I predict a lot more talk about The Brothers this year.
14. Vibes (1-3). Well, everyone saw this coming, right…? Yikes! Word round the campfire is, Nightmare has been… a nightmare to play with. He is NOT what the Vibes wanted/expected at all. All he does is send texts to them nonstop asking them to play Fortnite with his kid (or asking them to explain what their young-person lingo means). A total distraction, and totally annoying. They all miss The Wish terribly (obvi) and regret letting him go and bringing in the old man.
13. Blue Wahoos (0-0). T-Sea and Kershaw sound exactly the same, right (their voices)? It made the podcast tough to listen to because I LOVE T-Sea and wanted to hang on his every word, but I find Kershaw pretty “meh” and wanted to tune out EVERYTHING he said… but I couldn’t… Hahahahaha. I’m just kidding, I don’t know Kershaw that well, but what I know of him so far has been GREAT. I was serious about the sounding the same thing though, I struggled to tell their voices apart. So, I wonder, which one of you was it that thinks the pyramids were built by… aliens? We need to talk.
12. Rough Riders (1-0). Hjal is pitching again… As a friend and a fan, I’m so happy to see it. As an opponent… not so much. For those of you who don’t know, Hjal was Dumpy before Dumpy was Dumpy… only better. And Dumpy, before you get all up in my DMs, or whatever the kids might say, that is a fact and you know it. Take it as the props it was intended. And Hjal, you’ll try and downplay this, but you know I’m right.
11. Hops (2-0). You know how when you don’t play particularly well (i.e., bad) and you really don’t want to think about it? You just want to move on to the next game and not dwell on a subpar performance? You know who is REALLY GOOD at NOT letting that happen? Tootin. I hadn’t heard from the guy in like a year, but he was sure to text me first thing Friday morning to let me know how much I suck. Thanks Bro! Anyways, the rest of Tootin’s team, the decent guys I enjoy being around, they played pretty well and swept the Pandas last week. I see Willie threw a no-no (your first maybe? Congrats!) and Big Hoss hit the poop out of the ball (8-for-10, 4 tanks, nice!).
10. Rubber Ducks (0-0). Whoa… I just now realized “Rubberducks” is supposed to be one word. Weird. And now it’s occurring to me that I think I make that realization at least once every year. Woah. It’s like I’m living in the Matrix… cause things keep repeating? Anyways, the Ducks haven’t done anything this season except release podcasts, so… great job! Keep it up!
9. Rumble Ponies (1-1). This is an actual text I received this past week, “rumble ponies are nice kids.” Why did I get this text? Because I love the Ponies and say it all the time (but probably not enough), and someone wanted to confirm that my assessment of them was accurate. For future reference, I know I’m right, especially about the Ponies, but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT when people tell me I was right. So, keep it up!
8. Yankees (3-1). Rocky is the only Yankee to have an error this year. I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m just still a little hurt from what you did to me the other night. Hmm, that sounds… inappropriate. Get your minds out of the gutter, he hit a walk off bomb off me, that’s all, jeez.
7. Americans (2-0). Well he’s movin’ on up, to the east side, to a deluxe residence, in Cottage Grove! He’s moving on up, he finally got a piece of the pie… in an earlier draft of the rankings, this went on for the entirety of the song (Movin’ on Up, the theme song from the Jeffersons… a TV show from the 70s)… Anyways, my boy Knooty Booty is moving to Cottage Grove, he’s come to the good side of the cities (the east side, get it?). Welcome, I love you, and congrats young man!
6. Mets(0-0). Anyone ever look at the ‘Roster’ tab on the website? Sometimes, when I have no idea what to write, I start looking around and I just checked out the roster tab for the Mets. Thunderson, under weight it says, “Increasing.” I don’t know how long that’s been there, but I audibly lolled. That’s a thing, Mippey (ex-Met) said it was a thing in a text he sent me (cause we are tight light that now). If you’re wondering, I gave that text of his a “thumbs up.” Man, I’m so cool and interesting.
5. Grasshoppers (0-0). Ugh. I give Smallpox a tough time for not inviting me to his birthday party, even though he said I was one of his favorite (over 40 year old resident of Lake Elmo) teammates OF ALL TIME (take that suckers!)… Anyways, I give him a hard time, but I am just remembering now that I’ve owed him some info for like the past 6 weeks. It’s top secret, don’t ask, but once I get this done, me and Pox-y will probably become like the best friends EVER and I’ll get invited to ALL the birthdays… I mean, Griz invited me to his birthday, Pox, is it really that hard? Anwyays, your boy Fishy is also trash-talk-texing me, FYI. That man is quiet in person, but his text messages… his mother would be ashamed.
4. Braves (2-0). You are not my son. You’re just a little piece of competition… Ears and noses will be the trophies of the day. But no hand shall touch him… I'm forty-seven. Forty-seven years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Fear. The spectacle of fearsome acts… Don't you never come in here empty handed again, you gotta pay for the pleasure of my company... Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? Watch it. Now, my straw reaches acroooooooss the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I... drink... your... milkshake! [slurp] I drink it up!... That’s just a list of Daniel Day Lewis quotes because… The Braves know why.
3. Chihuahuas (0-0). Number 3 without having played a game. Good for you guys!
(#2) Baby Cakes and (#1) Aces (both 2-0). It just occurred to me, after much careful contemplation, that my analysis (that no one, at all, like barely even their parents, cares about the Aces) applies equally to the Baby Cakes. Like, if I don’t want to say anything nice about my wiffle brother, Seuss, I can just say, “no one cares about the Cakes” and I really don’t think anyone would mind. So… yeah, no one cares about the Cakes OR the Aces.
One last note: If you’d like to have me misquote you, take something you said entirely out of context, or just plain put words in your mouth for the sake of making jokes, hit me up!