By Nightmare (?) –
First, if you ever don’t want to talk to anyone in the league for a week, write an article about how everything anyone says to you will be twisted up for the sake of comedy. Jeez. Relax people, I probably won't do that again for at least... a week.
Second, the few people I did speak to this week accused me of phoning it in last week. They said it was a lazy article. And I said, “hold my beer.”
So… my first attempt at an article this week was me using ChatGPT… That failed. Miserably. Why? ChatGPT is mean. Apparently, if you ask ChatGPT to, “humorously tell me why the Vibes are 1-3 this season,” it reads/answers it as, “Cruelly insult the Vibes, their mothers, their friends, and make sure anyone reading this thinks I’m a total jacka$$.” Seriously, ChatGPT has a mean sense of humor, and I for one am not looking forward to our future robot overlords if they’re not going to at least have a decent sense of humor. Jeez.
So, instead you just get me. Sorry.
Time for jokes…
67. Braves (4-0). Not cool guys.
23-19. Mariners, Millers, Marlins, Blue sOx, Bears (0-4). I don’t know how to phrase this, so it probably won’t make sense… but the opponents of these 5 teams (so 10 teams) have a total of 4 losses. This group has started the season playing some pretty talented competition. Would I pick any of these teams to make the World Series right now? No. But certainly they’re all teams capable of competing and winning some games. And when forced to start the season against some of the League's best teams, when they probably didn’t get a lot of pre-season work in… in addition to playing in fricking blizzard conditions… it’s going to be a rough start. So, in summary: I still love Coach to breakout this year (.375, 2HRs so far), Millers blah blah blah no run support, Shipwreck has 8 kids, Vlade is old and crabby, Bears have a huge roster.
18-17. Mets & Ducks (0-2). A couple more teams without wins that I fully expect to win most of their games. This sample size is tiny (like Taco and pNut), and I expect a significant turnaround soon. Consider this group my “winless teams most likely to win their division… but they’re in the same division… meh.
16-12. Vibes, Pandas, Lugnuts, Cyclones, Twins (1-3). Sigh… I can’t wait to hear from Franklin after he sees this… Anyways, seems like half the league probably wishes we could get a do over. The “bottom” 12 teams have combined for 5 wins in 44 games. Yikes. The only good news I can squeeze out of this (and I’m digging real deep here) is that half these “need improvement” teams are from Eagan, and half are from Hopkins. So… TAKE THAT HOPKINS! Yikes. Oh, also, this week: Twins v Millers; Mariners v sOx; Vibes v Bears… so, I guess… some of these teams will get some wins… finally.
11. Blue Wahoos (2-2). Is that logo wearing a wig? Like, the fish has hair? I don’t know. It was either that or talk about ancient aliens building pyramids (again). Hmm, STACHE!!! STACHE!!! (I need to get his attention; he only reads the part about his team. STACHE, podcast idea: where did all the team names come from? Like how you ask about the nicknames. I’m kind of curious. Did the aliens name this team?
10. Space Cowboys (3-2). These fellas need some nicknames. Stat! They’re playing too well right now to just be a bunch of nickname-less jabrones. Can we do something about this please? Like, did I see someone call Leo, “Davinci?” That’s cool. Let’s keep workshopping and help these guys out. ChatGPT, gimme some good wiffleball nicknames: Wiffle Wizard, Wiffle Whacker, Wiffle Whizkid… sigh, computers are so stupid. I mean, one suggestion was Wiffle Whifington. A.I. is a child.
9. Hops (3-1). Okay Big Hoss, I see you. Looks like you been in the gym this off season. 6 bombs in 3 games. Talk about flexing those muscles. I mean, not that you needed to go to the gym. You’re quite the specimen… uhhh… wait, what just happened. Sorry, thought this was my personal journal for a second… Anyways, Tootin’. Ugh. And GPK, you're lanky, but you’ve got some reach, you could take at least… three 3rd graders. Pre-games at Fitz's? Thanks for the invite. (This is sarcasm, because I wasn't invited.)
8. Rumble Ponies (3-1). You need to start selflessly promoting yourselves as All-Star worthy right now. Like, yesterday. Do it! Put your twitter to work!
7. Yankees (3-1). Umm, I forget and I’m lazy, but I believe I heard the Silver Fox is arranging a get together to watch a baseball game…? Man, I should go back and relisten to the podcast, but my phone is like, WAY over there (I’m pointing, but you can’t see it)… Sioux Falls… was that part of it? Anyways, it sounded like the Silver Fox was doing something cool, which is ZERO percent surprising… Like the Yankees being good this year. I nailed that prediction. (and that joke/segway, BOOM!)
6. Baby Cakes (3-1). I just ranked based on record this week, don’t get your panties in a bunch. You’re still really my number 2 team (shh, don’t tell anyone), but I wanted to shake things up. No errors this year. Nice. Also, Hondi. Just because.
5. Americans (4-0). I see Lulu is the worst pitcher on this team now (statistically). That’s… interesting. What happens if (when) he starts throwing like Lulu again...?
4. Grasshoppers (4-0). Only 14 tanks? Slackers. Cakes, I miss you buddy.
3. Chihuahuas (4-0). Wow. No Groot. I really thought it was some sort of joke. I am Groot! No… no you aren’t. Not anymore. I guess I need something new… It’s FACETIME! I like it… but it’s not new. Clean up after your puppy! Down boy! Good boy? Fetch! No… not even I can make “Fetch” happen. Or can I? The Chihuahuas are like, so fetch this year… Hmmm… maybe… I don’t know… I’ll come up with something… or I won’t.
2. Aces (4-0). Nightmare to ChatGPT, “Why doesn’t anyone care about the Aces?” ChatGPT, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but everyone loves the Aces except for you. What’s your problem, idiot? Did you fall on your head recently? The Aces are loved by all across the land. Psych is the greatest, Webby is a super hot daddy, and Dumpy is to die for. Did you hear me? TO DIE FOR. Dodger Dave and the other new guy are awesome too even though I just recently met him. Also, we beat your dumb faces last year. So shut up idiot!” Hmmm… I think maybe Dumpy is ChatGPT.
1. RoughRiders (5-0). No one cares about the RoughRiders. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Where’s Jagr?