deesnider posted on May 10, 2023 23:37
Even the sweetest of feet eventually hang up their dancing shoes. And today, Sweet Feet Franklin hangs up his. With a heavy heart, I am retiring. I had the privilege of playing my last game against H8R, the HRL’s greatest trash talker. In fact, he hit a walk-off home run against me to mercy the Nuts. That’s a great way to go out. (Note: he also hustled out a bunch of infield singles. Way to hustle, H8R!)
Thank you so much to Truck for starting this beautiful league, to Huck for maintaining it, to Shirls and Nine for allowing me to be part of it. Thank you to the Bears for modeling how to be a fun team, to every other team in the HRL for accepting us, and most of all to the Lugnuts for being my friend on and off the field. A special shoutout goes to the two remaining OG Lugnuts: Hoover and Quicksand.
Also, thank you to Seuss who was so consistently generous with his time and so supportive these past years with his Wiffle instruction. In a league full of generous and kind people, I can think of no one who was kinder and more generous to the Nuts behind the scenes than this guy. You really have no idea how much of an advocate he was for us. He’s competitive, sure, but he’s a fundamentally good person.
To my neighbor Kadishak, I regret that I never got the chance to strike you out. And Nightmare, don’t get too excited about my leaving the league, I will forever remain in your head. I really am that good, and you really are that easy of a mark.
While I will not be remembered as a good Wiffle ball player, please know that what you saw, was the very best Wiffle ball version of myself. I practiced a lot. Watched a lot of videos. I constantly picked Seuss’ brains. I didn’t have much to give by way of performance, but I assure you that I gave everything I had. I came close to retiring this offseason, but Hoover talked me out of it. I tried to manufacture the will to push through another season. But alas, at 55, I simply have no gas left in the tank. I’m done. Not all of us get to be Palpatine.
Despite the shenanigans, I took the league so seriously because I respected the league, and I so admired how the whole league, especially the good teams, seemed to really value the fun and crappy teams. This is not the norm for sports. As a person advanced in years and lacking in talent and fitness, I so appreciate that.
Please know that I had the time of my life in HRL. I had an absolute blast. I enjoyed being Franklin, even if Franklin was a bit much at times. I truly liked every single person I met. I hope each and every one of you finds true peace in your life. I will remember all of you fondly.
And to our inferiors in Hopkins, here’s some basic hygiene advice: Buy deodorant, toothpaste and a toothbrush. Use them. Your hygiene potential is less than my Wiffle potential, but your more cultured superiors in Eagan will still be cheering on your attempts to combat your reputation as Nasty-Assed Hopkinites. From the bottom of my heart, I want you Nasty-Assed Hopkinites to know how truly disgusting you are.
Also, there’s a rumor floating around the league that I sired a dozen of you Nasty-Ass Hopkinites. I deny this. You’ve seen your mother. That would have been one huge act of charity on my part. Plus, not one of you has my Sweet Feet.
Peace,
Sweet Feet Franklin