I wrote most of this at my kid's baseball game last night. He went 2-for-3 with an RBI and threw 2 innings, striking out 3, only hitting one battar (thats good for him), and giving up one run. I know most of you don't care, but what I'm trying to do is lower expectations. By a lot. It's getting hard out here in these streets to come up with something, anything, for every team. I blame all of you for not competing for my attention!
So anyways, if you're looking for a laugh this week, look no further than Frnaklin's retirement letter. It's far better than anything I wrote below.
Time for jokes?
38. Braves (7-1). No one’s impressed.
24. RubberDucks (0-6). “Talk to me when you’ve won a game.” Stache to Nightmare in Week 1. Well friend, right back at ya buddy.
23. Bears (0-6). A lot of talk about “polishing turds” coming out of the den lately. What a disgusting and hilarious thought… Another hilarious and disgusting thought, we need to do something about these games that get out of hand. Clearly, we’re not able to manage this ourselves.
22. Lugnuts (1-5). RIP Franklin. I’ll sincerely miss that guy. I’m not sure what happened that we drove such a great guy out of the league, but we crapped the bed on this one. [Franklin (and Seuss) will let me know if this next joke is inappropriate and not take offense (I hope)]. Also, if Seuss was giving Franklin pitching lessons, as an Eagan hitter, could I please ask Seuss to teach every other pitcher in Eagan how to throw? Burn? That seems mean… especially after I just said something nice.
21. Marlins (0-4). Shipwreck has 9 kids now. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I don’t see the guy that much these days, so I only assume it’s because he’s multiplying. Otherwise, the Fish haven’t played in 10 days, so whatever I said about them last week, ditto.
20. Trash Pandas (1-7). Wiffle Jesus walks on water. Wiffle Jesus turns Hamms into wine. Wiffle Jesus can cure the dropsies. I’m not sure all of these are true, but heads up: Wiffle Jesus should be on the Sticky Paw radar (33 POs this season, most in the league). The man can field. I also heard he takes wiffle confessions between games (Braves, you might want to reach out.)
[So, if you Google, “Jesus best miracles,” one of the results is, “Healing a man with dropsy.” I’m sure this has nothing to do with dropping wiffleballs, but clearly there was a joke here…]
19. Mariners (1-5). I want to know more about Diddy. Where’d the nickname come from? Where is he from? What’s his deal? How likely is he to come play with me in Eagan next year… whoops… is it tampering if it’s done in public?
18. Twins (1-5). They’ve had a few guys come and go over the years (there was a joke there, I think), but this roster has been pretty stable for awhile… Is that good? I don’t know.
17. Blue Sox (1-5). Did we chase Vlade (aka WizziNATEr) out of the league too? Hmm. I’m unsurprisingly not upset if we did.
16. Millers (2-4). The Mart is one of the nicest guys in the league and seeing what we do to nice guys (Franklin), we need to protect him with all our might… that joke missed, but I’m desperate this week.
15. Mets (2-4). I’m not sure how to make this joke, but something along the lines of, “Find someone who’ll miss you as much as the Mets miss Mippey.” Actually… I think that was exactly it.
14. Space Cowboys (4-3). I had a pretty sick burn for Mr. Sullivan the other night. It was, objectively, one of the funniest things I said all night. Sully pretended he didn’t hear it and asked me to repeat myself. As I did, he rolled the window up in my face. He trumped my burn. Sully, if you want to know what I think of your team...
[That was me rolling up the window on him! Not a funny burn! Sully wins again!]
13. Cyclones (3-3). I don’t really know this team, but I want to get to know them better… so I can make jokes at their expense… although, I feel like lil’ Mahomes and his friends would roast me like a Comedy Central special if I got out of hand… so maybe I’ll leave them alone.
[I won’t.]
12. Hops (3-3). Did my first pre-game of the season with the Hops last week. It was pretty meh. Just like their record! HAHAHAHAHA… I went back and forth over whether to use that joke or not. I think it is hilarious (as you an tell from the, “HAHAHAHAHA”), but now I’m going to get the wrath of Tootin. Oh well. Worth it! [it probably isn’t.]
11. Vibes (5-3). ***Warning: Fishhook breakout season!*** Also, Vibes lead the league in walks! And strikeouts!
10. Americans (4-2). I thought ditching pNut would improve their power numbers… hit more bombs! Or don’t. I don’t actually care.
9. Rumble ponies (3-3). I bought my first pair of Jordans last week. Don’t know how I feel about spending that kind of money on a pair of shoes I’ll rarely wear, but I do know how I feel about Air Jordy. I feel nice. Real nice.
8. Blue Wahoos (4-2). I lied. I kinda miss the Blue Wahoos too (I said I'd only miss the Ponies). Especially that tall kid who is kind of annoying. Antics? I miss his… antics… that was awful, but when the clock is a ticking, the jokes start stinking… wow. Bad to worse. Anyways, 4-2 to start is pretty good!
7. Yankees (4-2). The Yankees have a four game series with the Cyclones coming up (it’s true, look for yourself, they play back to back somehow). I propose they use all their game 3s as well and make it a 7-game series. I don’t know why they'd do that, but it’s almost noon on Thursday, so I had to say something.
5. RoughRiders (5-0). If no one cared last week and they haven’t played since, does anyone care now? Probs no. Although, I’ve received confirmation that Jagr is alive and well. So that’s good.
4. Baby Cakes (5-1). I miss the Reds.
3. Hoppers (6-0). Nightmare who? Cakes for Cy Wiffle. This team is scary good. Except for Jake Fish.
2. Aces (6-0). I’ve written “no one cares” about the Aces SO many times, I actually don’t know much about these guys. Lemme check… they’ve given up ONE run this season? I know it’s “Hate the Braves” season, and I’m okay with that, but can it be “Hate the Aces” season too? Asking for a friend. Named Nightmare.
1. Puppies (6-0). Bark bark skeet sheet no one actually gives a sheet.