I’m on the podcasters' schedule now, every other week… or something. Hahaha.
Anyways, last week I was trying to get ChatGPT to write the rankings (again). I’ve been toying around with teaching it to write like me while accessing the website to incorporate team names, nicknames, stats, etc. Anyways, it took FOR-EVER and then I wasn’t exactly happy with the results... so no rankings last week cause I'm lazy and the AI let me down. Why do I want ChatGPT to write the rankings? First, I think it would be cool. Second, I want them to be terrible to prove computers will never replace me! And third, I'm lazy, obviously.
So, long story longer, it looks like you’ll have to wait a little longer for ChatGPT to take over the rankings.
Or will you?
01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101 01110011
[That was "time for jokes" in binary... cause you know, computers?]
24. Bears (0-10). I can bear-ly imagine how the Godfather manages so many players on this team. It must be bear-y chaotic. What a grizzly task... sigh... if the best i got is bear puns, this is gonna be a long article and I probably should have taken another week off...
23. Trash Pandas (1-9). Are the Pandas better than their record? Yes. Did my kid laugh his head off when he found out trash pandas are raccoons? Most certainly. Are the Pandas better than your team? Maybe. Or maybe they might be… eventually. Like several other squads in the league this year, they have a ton of talent/potential and just need some time to get things to "click." Except for Kadishak. He’s a lost cause… In life that is... he’ll be a fine wiffler one day. (Burn! That's for sayng my shirt made me look like a big brown turd!)
22. Lugnuts (1-7). Twizzler’s back from law school. You know what that means? Their average age will go down. Anyways, it isn't fun making fun of the 'Nuts without Franklin, so... feel 22. Yay.
21. Braves (9-1). The Braves haven’t curb stomped anyone in… hours. Keep it up fellas!
20. Twins (2-10). The Twins are such great dudes, it's hard to say insulting things about them. Hard, but not impossible. [insert mean joke about K-Mart and he is old and blue light specials]
[That was meant to be a double joke. First, K-Mart is old (obviously) and second, I’m too lazy to even write the joke cause I don’t care about the Twins…but in reality, I do. So it isn’t mean, it’s funny…?]
19. Blue Sox (2-10). So... Vlade is Vlade and Eddie Bauer is... “B-Tits...” I mean, I haven’t seen him with his shirt off in a few days, but whatever… anyways, I thought TwoBat leaving the team would mean a little less of the Statler and Waldorf cranky old man shenanigans, but... whelp, my bad. Cause the WizziNATEr and B-Tits stuff is those two being “funny,” right?
18. Marlins (2-8). Shipwreck recently celebrated the birth of his tenth child… The bad news is that it’s causing him to miss games and the Fish need his arm and fielding skills to help right the ship. The good news is that he and his boys will be a heck of a wiffleball team in… a dozen or so years.
17. Mets (3-9). Last time I had a pretty good joke… This time I don’t have a joke. ChatGPT is telling me to write about Mippey taking the team's mojo with him to the Chihuahaus, but the joke is too awful. Even for me. Which is saying something! Instead, I’ll just mention that my boy’s mind was blown when “Puttin’ on the Ritz” came on the radio the other day (yay 80s station on satellite radio!) and I told him that’s where Taco got his nickname. (I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it got my kid talking to me, so I went with it.)
16. Mariners (3-9). Usually when I ask my “hypotheticals” in the rankings, someone will shoot me a text or stop me at the rink to answer my question(s). Not the Mariners though… Apparently they’re too cool to tell me about Diddy… and how likely he is to play in Eagan next year. Oh wait. They're mad I'm trying to poach one of their players.
15. Millers (3-9). Okay... so if you're like me and didn't know: "Dobalina" is a term that originated from the song "Mr. Dobalina" by the hip-hop group Del the Funky Homosapien. In the song, "Dobalina" is used as a playful and nonsensical character name. It has since become a reference in pop culture and is often associated with whimsy and creativity. Thanks ChatGPT!
[Editor’s note: It’s actually “Mista Dobalina,” apparently ChatGPT doesn’t speak hip-hop.]
14. RubberDucks (3-9). Well, I called out the Ducks for not having won a game, and now they’ve gone and won three! Great work fellas. Really quacktastic! Also, I promise I’ll get around to listening to that podcast of yours… eventually. Also, anyone remember Duck Tales? Woo-ooo? Hhow have I never made that comparison before?
13. Space Cowboys (4-7). I like these dudes. A lot. These cosmic cowpokes are shooting stars in the making. They may have a few cat-astro-phes along the way meow, but that won't stop these space wranglers in the long run.
[Okay, I wasn't going to point out exactly where I cheated and used ChatGPT, but that was fricking horrible and I don't want that attributed to me.]
12. Americans (5-5). Well, the Americans certainly are living up to their name by proudly embodying the spirit of America: mediocrity. Hahahaha! ChatGPT, you made me LOL out loud. Anyways, the Americans are better than this record, I’m sure of that. And if not, maybe they disband at the end of the year so Knooty doesn't have to feel bad about moving over to Eagan to play with me and Diddy.
11. Hops (6-4). Tootin' had himself a kid! Congrats buddy! Very happy for you and the Mrs.!
10. Cyclones (6-4). Awkward moment at the rink last week. Lil' Mahomie came over to me and I was CERTAIN he was going to drag me for something I’ve said about the Cyclones in the rankings. You probably don't know this, but I have an INSANE fear of getting dragged by young people. Franklin, Vlade, K-Mart, all the other olds... don't care, your words mean nothing to me. But you get a young kid wearing Yeezies, riding a bird scooter, watching TikTaks talking trash about me... and I DIE.
[Note: Lil Mahomes did NOT drag me. We had a good talk about his new team, the league, and his studies. Good kid. I look forward to our next drag-free conversation.]
9. Yankees (6-4). I was recently shown a YouTube video of Elmo (the Muppet) on Jimmy Fallon. At one point, the voice actor doing Elmo turns a little “New York” in his voice and… it’s hilarious… and it reminds me of Rocket. I can’t figure out how to type it phonetically that doesn’t look… insulting, so just trust me. It sounds like Rocket doing an Elmo impression and it is Legend… wait for it, this is a joke just for Seuss who I know isn't lactose intolerant and loves… Dairy! Also, Elmo is the greatest Muppet of all time, forget that frog! And the Silver Fox is batting .442 with 9 tanks. Why include that? Just because. You might say I have a bit of a man crush... so?
8. Blue Wahoos (8-2). Blah blah blah ancient aliens built the pyramids… I really thought I’d get more life out of that joke… but I didn’t. So, I guess now I’m just curious… Blue Wahoos, tell me this, if ancient aliens built the pyramids (and I am assuming you mean THE pyramids in Egypt), why did they build different pyramids in the Americas? Like, they look different and have different purposes. What’s up with that?
7. Vibes (8-4). Our breakout star Fishhook is wanderlusting Europe trying to find himself. Our ace Epstein has run off to California to try and make it in Hollywood. I hope me, Huck, and CheeChee get some last minute reinforcements, a surprise just-in-the-nick-of-time entrance to save the day if you will. Like Vin Diesel and his family in the new Fast X movie...
[That was horrible, but I wanted to give Catnip a kind of "grand entrance" or something since he's making his debut tonight. I think… now if he doesn’t’ show I’ll be very embarrassed.]
6. Rumble Ponies (8-4). Can someone pick a Twitter fight with these guys so I can be entertained again? I’d do it myself, but no one would believe their biggest fan would turn on them.
5. Rough Riders (7-2). Originally, I’d been ranking the Riders up near the top in a kinda tongue in cheek way. I didn’t really believe the record was an accurate reflection of their talent… but having played them last week, I’m changing my tune. And I’m doing so before anyone else. And now I am going to drop some knowledge on you:
1) This team pitches better than yours,
2) Keeks might be as good as Dumpy on the mound (give him a year or two to sand some rough edges, then watch out), and
3) I believe the Riders have City Finals level talent.
4. Hoppers (11-1). I hadn't really regretted leaving the Grasshoppers... until tonight. That’s both a fact AND a prediction.
3. Baby Cakes (11-1). I wanted to make a snarky comment about the difficulty of their schedule schedule… but I choose not to (or did I?). On that note, I don’t see the Cakes losing more than 5 games this season.
2 & 1. Aces and Puppies (11-1). Since I didn’t make the snarky comment about the Cakes’ light schedule (remaining 8 Eagan opponents only have 31 wins combined), I won’t make a comment about how much tougher the Aces’ (remaining 8 Hopkins opponents have 42 wins) and Puppies’ schedules (also 8 teams, 45 wins) are… oh, wait. I just did… and dammit... I think I just complimented Hopkins. Yet, that’s okay, cause no one cares about the Puppies or Aces, so no one read this far. Except for probably Dumpy. Hi Dumpy!
[Prediction: I am going to get a text from Dumpy in about two hours that says “Hi Nightmare” that he wrote from a basement bathroom stall somewhere on the East Bank of the U of M campus…]