I could give you an explanation about why there haven’t been rankings for weeks... but I know you don’t care. You don’t care about Nightmare. You’re just here for the jokes. You don’t want to hear about me. You just want your mind blown by my creativity and wit and humor and overuse of ellipses...
Well, here you go. Enjoy. I hope you're happy now.
Cause you won’t be after you read these really, really mediocre rankings.
Time for jokes…
43. Marlins (4-12). We all saw what you did to the Nuts. You aren’t exempt from the “Don’t be Richards” rule. I just thought that name up. Might need to workshop the name a bit more. Anyways, I don’t know what happened, but… don’t do that.
23. Bears (2-15). Cannabear? I give that name change a thumbs up. Let’s see if I can do that with anyone else… Bearsauce? Not bad. sKruBear… sounds like an “As Seen on TV” cleaning product. Bear Pint… less good. Bear Mac… sounds like something on a kid’s menu in the back woods. RuBear Tuesday… I laughed, which probably means it’s not that good. Well. That was fun.
22. Lugnuts (1-15). Feelin’ 22… whatever… I miss Franklin. And I text him semi-regularly. Anyways, I'm curious, which of the ‘Nuts is going to drunkenly send rambling and hilariously insulting text messages to half the league now? Who’s going to take trash talk over the top on All-Star night? Hoover? Maybe Quicksand? I don’t even think I’ve ever even heard that dude talk… I’d love to hear from him… Something tells me he’s funny as heck. Not that that’s a requirement, Franklin certainly wasn’t that funny. Kinda burn!
21. Blue Sox (3-13). It’s been a month since I wrote any rankings and all I have for you is the recipe of how I write up the Blue sOx: [short joke + old jokes + PorkBot probably drinks too much + an extra dash of Vlade sucks.]
20. Twins (2-14). They’d win a division in Eagan. At least that’s what Griz thinks… but they don’t play in Eagan, so… they’re not winning a division. K-Mart, you been watching my runs? I think about rehashing your “humble brag season” joke every time I post them. Good luck getting to hit #1000! I hope it’s tonight!
19. Millers (6-12). I’ve spent too much time trying to come up with a clever way to make a joke about “not providing any run support.” Like, WAY too much time. Then I realized, “Nightmare, you are not clever.” So, I stopped thinking of a clever way to say it.
18. Trash Pandas (4-13). I spent like 15 minutes this weekend trying to explain Caddyshack to my kid. He couldn’t comprehend how a movie about golf could be funny. Or even good. Which, for a nine year old, is pretty good thinking. I mean, golf. It isn't inherently funny (or interesting), right? Anyways, that made me think about Kadishak… which ruined my weekend. BURN!
17. Space Boys (6-11). You guys doing okay? Earlier this season I was seeing Sully and the Space Boys everywhere. Now… they’ve gone and disappeared? Hope to see you soon. [It was VERY hard to not make a “lost in space” kind of joke… see, some joke are too bad, even for me.]
16. Mariners (7-11). Is it going to be awkward tonight? After making all those not-so-subtle hints I want Diddy to come play in Eagan with me? And now he’ll be IN EAGAN, with me, seeing how great it’ll be… Sorry, not sorry… okay, a little sorry.
15. Cyclones (7-9). Last week I went to read to my kid’s class as part of their last week of school events. As you all know, getting dragged by young people is probably my greatest fear, so this was truly terrifying for me. But, let me tell you, as I was leaving my kid’s class I asked, “how’d I do?” He said, “You weren’t terrible.” Obviously, that might be the greatest compliment I’ve ever received. As such, I no longer fear the youths. I am invincible and Lil’ Mahomes and his boys got nothing on me now!!! Just kidding. The youths still terrify me. And the rest of the season, my top priority will be not getting dragged for anything I say about the Clone Army. (I just made that up. Thoughts?)
14. Hops (8-6). Two things. First, this team is getting pretty big. Like, a dozen dudes on the roster. How about you spread the wealth, GKW? Second, Tootin’s a dad now, so I guess that means he’s TOO BUSY to rip on me. I’m stinking up the season and the guy can’t even so much as send a text to let me know he knows how bad I’m doing?!?!? Just cause you got a kid!?!? Yeah, okay, that checks out. Love you, man. Congrats again.
13. Rubberducks (7-11). pNut has clearly been lifting weights this off season. Seriously. I could tell, just by looking at him. Kudos to you, friend. In other news, Serious Stache… not a fan. Guy gave me the silent treatment last week. I thought that is what I wanted. I thought that’s really what everyone wants… but turns out, he’s more fun when he’s chatting about stuff… like Dumpy’s wind-aided wins.
12. Mets (9-9). Looks like the Mmmmets have kicked off the “Who needs Mippey?” tour. Good for them. Still looks like an uphill battle for the division, but I’m glad they’re winning again. #TacoTime #WelcomeToTheThunderdome #I-Wanted-to-do-the-whole-team-but-lost-interest
11. Vibes (9-7). I just want to publicly apologize to the Vibes for what I’m doing to their season. Worst off season move EVER. And Stache added TwoBat to his team, so that’s saying something. Double Old Man BURN!
10. RoughRiders(9-6). Keeks held the Aces to 3 hits last week. Against non-Nightmare hitters, Keeks has got an ERA below 2 and is giving up an average of about 2 hits per game. The kid is on FIRE. I feel super bad for Jagr that another one of his kids is going to leave him for a super team next year…
[I just trashed myself, so I had to give myself a compliment to avoid totally ruining my self-esteem. Also, I exaggerated the stats, but the kid’s doing great, so who cares?]
9. Blue Wahoos (12-4). I tried baiting these guys with the whole pyramid conspiracy thing several weeks in a row and I got NOTHING in return. You boys are dead to me. You guys are dead as Tutankhamun in my book. Hmm… I laughed at that, but I’m not sure if it was the joke landing (probably not), or just that I find the name Tutankhamun kind of funny… Either way, that’s the last time this Giza tries to make nice with those guys… Yes, laughed at that one too.
8. Rumble Ponies (11-7). We’ve got a lot of cowboy-themed teams in the league… Seems like these guys have been around forever… it’s been four years. Is that good? Or bad?
7. Americans (11-7). My “boy” KB (aka Knooty Booty) recently moved pretty close to me… but he hasn’t called. Not even to like, help him move a heavy box or grab a beer or something. Maybe he isn’t actually my boy... Maybe it was all in my imagination... Maybe Lulu isn't really one of my new besties either... Maybe I made it all up… My whole world is falling apart right now. Know who isn't getting a call to help me put the pieces of my life together? KB.
6. Yankees (12-6). Where’d Old Yeller get his nickname from? I bet that’s a fun story. Hmm, and Z-Dog… Rocket Dog is a brand of shoe, of course… there’s a pattern here and I think I am cracking the code to… what exactly, I don’t know. But this can’t be a coincidence… hmm… [I wanted to circle back and make a conspiracy joke and include the Wahoos and their alien conspiracies as well, but I just can’t make it work. So, I won’t.]
5. Braves (12-2). Since I spoke to you all last, me and Scrabble shared phone numbers and exchanged a number of text messages. My life is complete. Maybe Scrabble is my new “boy,” since KB doesn’t want anything to do with me.
4. Baby Cakes (15-5). My internet is broken. It’s showing the Cakes lost… three in a row? That… can’t be right. Can it?
3. Aces (14-4). Yup, still broken. The Aces also lost three in a row? Clearly, Comcast is having some issues… or… maybe the Aces… are human? Who’d have guessed that?
2. Grasshoppers (16-2). Listening to Griz and Cakes on the podcast is my new favorite. Happy belated birthday, Fishy. Smallpox, why you no hit homeruns anymore? Babyface, meh.
1. Chihuahuas (15-1). No one cares about the Chihuahuas. That is a scientifically proven fact. However, some people (not many, I’m sure) care about AJ. Once my least favorite puppy, he now texts me every Thursday, basically just to chat for a few minutes. I look forward to our little chats every week. Almost as much as I look forward to dragging him the first time he forgets to text. (Which is pretty much the only reason I mention it now).