Ugh. Dee changed the website and now it doesn’t have a ranking of all the teams. That means I have to actually think about where the teams rank.
Or do I?
Anyways, my least favorite wiffleballer of all time suggested the theme for this week’s rankings. I’ll admit, the idea wasn’t half as awful as he is, so I ran with it… well, I walked slowly with it cause I’m old and lazy.
Time for jokes…
Oh wait, I forgot the theme. Today's theme is which player on each team I’d least want to give my son “the talk.” And I’m not talking Sheryl Underwood, Sharon Osbourne, or Jerry O’Connell. I’m talking the birds and bees. Needless to say, it was a weird post-games last week.
24. Lugnuts (1-17). Twizzler: Does anyone ever want to talk to her? About anything?
[I almost feel bad making that joke because we’ve been getting along pretty well lately. Oh well.]
23. Bears (2-17). This was tough, but I think I’d go with Cannabear, aka CannaBlast: For no reason other than, mid-talk, I’m pretty sure he’d forget what they were talking about anyways and the kid would end up more confused than when they started.
22. Twins (3-16). TT: Cause he’d never show up!
21. Marlins (4-12). For this one, I will choose the person I’d most want to give him the talk, Shipwreck: Mostly just to make sure he knows how things work so maybe he stops having ALL the children (last count he was at 11). Also, side note, it looks like Pablo’s profile pic on the website was taken in portrait mode or 4K Ultra or something. He’s a good looking dude, but his picture just really… pops! I’m kinda jelly.
20. Pandas (5-14). Kadishak: because he ruins EVERYTHING. Also, he’s the only guy on the team I feel like I know well enough to poke fun at.
19. Millers (6-14). Dr. K: I’m quite sure he isn’t actually a doctor, but not quite as sure he wouldn’t pretend to be one in order to get through the conversation.
18. Blue sOx (6-13). Vlade: He’s old. My kid needs the birds and the bees, not the pterodactyls and mastodons. [that was horrible. I blame my inability to think of any funny sounding prehistoric creatures]
17. Space Boys (7-14). Pitch clock: I’m not sure enforcing a time limit has any place in this discussion.
16. RubberDucks (7-11). Stache is the obvious answer here. Because he’s Stache. But I’m going to go with pNut: because I’m pretty sure by the end of the conversation he’d be asking my kid how things work.
15. Seamen (7-13). Diddy: He seems too smooth. I don’t want my boy to turn into a ladies man.
14. Hops (8-8). Tootin’: He’d either crush my child emotionally, or he’d teach my kid how to crush me emotionally. Neither is an acceptable result.
13. Cyclones (8-12). Nope. No way I risk these guys dragging me social medias. Is there a way to sound older than using the term, “social media?” I feel like a young person would know which one is “hot” right now.
12. Vibes (11-7). Nightmare: cause I have literally no idea what I’m doing. Take that how you want.
11. RoughRiders (11-6). Ugh. I’m not even sure which of these guys are allowed near children…
10. Mmmets (11-9). Dox: I’m still not entirely sure what a “Dox” is, or what it means, but he and my kid are about the same age, so what I am sure about is that nothing good could come from two pre-teens discussing the birds and/or bees.
9. Americans (12-8). Dr. Dipsh!t: I’m pretty sure my kid already knows more than he does. About everything.
8. Yankees (13-7). Any/all of them: I feel like this isn't the kind of talk to be held in a huddle…
7. Blue Wahoos (13-5). T-Sea: Because he doesn’t believe in giving “the talk,” instead he’ll wait for his ancient alien friends to come beam the information into my kid’s head.
6. Ponies! (13-7). Stix: My kid would come home with his own soundtrack of smooth baby-making hits. Could you imagine that blasting through the walls for the next decade? No thanks.
5. Braves (14-4). SanChops: They’re still embracing the [racist team name], I’d hate to hear what sort of colorful terminology they use for the various body parts involved…
4. Aces (14-4). Webby: I meam… I don’t need 13 grandkids.
3. Baby Cakes (16-6). Pooh Bear: My kid doesn’t need any advice from a guy who doesn’t wear pants.
2. Chihuahuas (17-1). Mippey: This was a horrible theme, but I stuck with it because people seem to like your ideas. [Personally, not that impressed.] Anyways, my kid will FOR CERTAIN ask you about the birds and the bees next time he sees you. I want to see how you handle that.
1. Hoppers (18-2). Cakes: I love the guy, but my kid wouldn’t learn anything from him. He’d be too distracted by the chew in his teeth. Or maybe actually Griz, cause… it’s Griz and he’d just start showing him inappropriate videos from the internet. Although I’d love to see Poxy try, that would be the most awkward conversation of all time… anyways, no one cares about the Hoppers so I’m done.