If I don’t write these, no one reads them.
If no one reads them, no one thinks of me.
If no one thinks of me, I disappear.
Time for jokes…
[Note: I actually wrote these last week, forgetting there were no games. So... yeah, keep that in mind. Not that it'll matter.]
24. Lugnuts (they don’t win often). I am so busy doing cool stuff, Franklin and I have entire text conversations where he writes both his side and my replies. They’re hilarious! I think, I don’t actually read them.
23. Bears (they haven’t won a ton of games either). Last year, Professor wanted to run a tough mudder with me, cause I’m such an elite athlete… He hasn’t asked me this year, but I’m ready!
22. Twins (I didn’t even look at records this week, I’ll stop pretending now). K-Mart, I wrote the rankings this week for you because EVERY run, I think about how I can humble brag about it... because that's what you say I'm doing... I hope you're happy. Genuinely, I hope you're happy and doing well. I miss you.
21. Marlins. In the past 3 weeks, I’ve run about 70 miles. During those runs, I’ve run past Shipwreck, Box, Neut, and Yak’s homes. That’s pretty impressive.
20. Pandas. I ran seven miles earlier today. Saw two trash pandas. Unfortunately, they were dead.
19. Millers. If Dr. K was a real doctor, I wouldn’t ask him anything. I’m healthy AF. Cause of all the running I do. Also, if he were a realy doctor, I feel like Dr. K would be a podiatrist. Because he likes feet. Or that's what The Mart told me anyways.
18. Vlade. Lots of old men, like Vlade, pass me on bikes when I run. The weird thing is, they like to make INTENSE eye contact and wave. Like, if I don’t wave back they’ll fall right off their bike or swerve into traffic. Weird. Anyways, Vlade, I know you're an odd and intense older man... so I guess I'm saying that I really hope you don't swerve into traffic.
17. Space Boys. Sully, you tough mudding this year? Did I miss it? I ran a half marathon a few weeks back (two actually). Holla at ya boy!
16. Rubber Ducks. Daddy aka Zabka’s brother lives somewhere around me in Lake Elmo. I don’t know his house, but I’m sure I’ve run past it. Cause I’m out here in these streets running NON STOP!
15. Seamen. Diddy, I’d run to your house if it meant you’d play in Eagan with me next year. Assuming you live within like 20 miles, cause I could probably do that right now. No big deal.
14. Hops. I mentioned I ran a half marathon a couple weeks ago. I actually ran a SECOND one the following week. It was hot, humid, and disgusting. It is the longest, most grueling run I’d ever been on and one of the worst experiences of my life. It was almost as bad as hanging out with Tootin’. BURN!
13. Cyclones. MacGruber is the only person (I can think of right now) to yell at me about my rankings. That’s all. Nothing about running, I just thought of the time he yelled at me.
12. Vibes. I was at the eye doctor today and the nurse/assistant recognized my hat as a Vibes hat. That never happens.
[That’s a brag because it mean I have health insurance. Which not everyone does. Which is BS. But that’s America? I guess.]
11. RoughRiders. Hal is a runner now too. Just one more thing he’s better at than me… sigh.
10. Mmets. Thunderson once told me he was officially trained to be able to tell the speed of vehicles. I think about that a LOT on the many, MANY miles I run along the sides of roads where cars are traveling (in my untrained opinion) way the F too fast.
9. Yankees. Number 9 ranking. Kind of like the 9-minute pace I ran my 7 miles today (9:18 actually).
8. Americans. My boy KB texted me after my last rankings. He basically apologized for not calling me to ask me a favor…? The kid is a saint. Also, I’m going to run to your house before the summer is over, KB (probs about 12 miles, each way, no big deal). Bet! (don’t actually bet, that’s… unlikely to happen).
7. Blue Wahoos. I did an epic stair climb at Allianz field a few weeks back. It was like running up several pyramids… that were built by aliens.
6. Rumble Ponies. I was thinking the other day, as I was running of course, “I need to get Stix to make some music to run to.” Hear that, Stix? I need some stuff in the 120-130 BPM range.
[Just kidding, please don’t make anything special for me. Unless you want to, cause I’m awesome.]
5. Braves. Hmmm. Running… run differential… there’s a joke here… Ah, the only team with more runs than me this year is the Braves… vs the Bears… no… only players to run more than me this summer are the Braves… running the bases versus the Bears… there’s a joke here… probably.
4. Aces. I’ve run literally hundreds of miles this summer. I still don’t look half as good as Webby does with my shirt off.
3. Baby Cakes. Congrats Seuss!
2. Chihuahuas. I’ve run all these miles. I’ve put in ALL the work. But the best, the GREATEST thing to happen to me this summer? My kid’s gone two weeks without asking me about Mippey!
[This next one is a joke. Cakes/Griz, I don’t want a text telling me you told me so or whatever. Family, I love you.]
1. Hoppers. The ONLY run I regret this year? Running away from the Hoppers.