Hey everybody! Welcome back! It’s been a long off-season, and I missed you all. And I can’t wait to tell you ALL about it and what I've been up to!!!
First… wait… what? “Shut up old man and make with the jokes?”
Sheesh. Ok. Here we go….
Epstein aka “Mr. A.I.” (did you see that video? it made me feel like i was have a stroke on mushrooms)... anyways, Mr. A.I. was so distraught over the thought of there being no power rankings, that he sent me some generated by Chat GPT "in case of emergency." As if there could be a power rankings emergency. Seriously, John. Anyways, they were awful. And that's coming from someone who writes awful power rankings ALL THE TIME. They were so awful, in fact, that they motivated me to get to writing... thanks...
Anyways, the basis of the rankings wasn’t bad though, so I figured I’d run with it.
On that note, I give you the Pre-Season Power Rankings, ranking teams by how likely they would survive an apocalypse.
[Editor's note: I just realized I got through this whole article without mentioning zombies... my favorite kind of apocolypse... dang.]
Time for definitely not Chat GPT generated jokes…
24. Lugnuts (0-2). Without Franklin, does anyone care? Without his “humor,” what is there to live for in this post-apocolyptic society. Now, I’m not saying the rest of the Lugnuts aren’t fun, but can they be as fun this season without everyone’s least favorite ‘Nut? I guess only time will tell. Oh, and maybe they have a slim chance to survive the apocalypse if Blank Space keeps bringing the BOMBS (24 last year, dang!).
23. Bears (0-0). First, bears (the animals) would be VERY good at surviving an apocalypse. You been watching that Fallout show? Big mutant bears: awesome. Unfortunately, the only thing the HRL Bears share in common with big mutant bears is beautiful, beautiful hair. Mostly facial. Cannabear, Bearsauce, Pantherbear, Truckbear, sKrubear… so much beautiful facial hair… Unfortunately, I think they’d all end up delicious snacks for actual bears in the apocalypse.
22. Twins (0-0). Is PorkBot the youngest Twin? And he’s like 47. I know he isn’t nearly that old, but ‘47’ seems the funniest age to me this morning. Anyways, the joke is these dudes are old (all 15 of the guys on this team, dang), and if I’m being honest, I think this group of old timers would actually welcome the apocalypse. Sittin’ on the front porch, sipping warm beer, screaming at nuclear blast survivors to GET OFF THEIR DAMN LAWN…. I dunno. It would be a crabby existence, but I think they’d actually be fine.
21. Tourists (0-0). All I know about this team is that Daddy tried to recruit me by pretending he wasn’t the manager, or even on the team. Crazy tactic? Or crazy smart? I don’t know, but it makes me believe, in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, these guys (?) would either be wiped out instantly getting lost/confused on the way to a fallout shelter, or they’d somehow bumble their way into surviving. Either way, good luck. Enjoy Eagan!
20. Trash Pandas (0-0). This team is possibly one of my four favorite teams. In Eagan Central. Which is why I’m glad they’d probably do alright in an apocalypse. Scrounging around, finding little nibbles here and there to eat. This team is scrappy. They’ll scratch a life out in the apocalypse, like I expect them to scratch out a few wins in Eagan this year. They lost CP, which isn’t great, but I hear Sayles Guy is pretty money and I will never bet against Wiffle Jesus (aka Angelus Wiffletus Victorious).
19. Marlins (0-0). I got to see a few of the Fish last weekend, and let me tell you, they somehow look younger and more athletic! Even though they are definitely not young, nor more athletic. I think it’s the children. I can’t count high enough to tell you how many children this team has, but it’s a lot (Webby to the Fish?). Anyways, in an apocalypse, I don’t know what happens to the Fish, but the many, many Fish offspring go on to repopulate the world very, very quickly.
18. Millers (0-0). Blah blah blah RUN SUPPORT! It has nothing to do with an apocalypse, but everything to do with me beating this old joke into the ground… Umm, I guess in the wasteland, you’d want to be pretty fast. You got to run from raiders, run after the rat you want to eat for dinner… and guess what, Bliss Jr. will have no run support, therefore, he will either be eaten (likely by a big mutant bear) or starve or die of rat malnutrition.
17. Mariners. Unless we’re anticipating an apocalypse like that in the movie Waterworld (Kevin Costner at his peak, check it out), I think the Mariners are in trouble. Can Keeks save them? I think adding Keeks is a great move in the HRL, but not as great in the apocalypse. Umm, so yeah, melted ice caps and a flooded world, Mariners are okay. Barren dessert wasteland like the Postman (also Kevin Costner at his peak, check it out too) and literally every other movie, Mariners are toast.
16. Space Cowboys. Oh, I guess CP is ‘Gamble’ now… We’ll see how that gamble pays off… (that’s funny, right?). Anyways, Gamble to the Cowboys was a great gamble by Sully (it’s funny, I know it). Shandy’s no slouch either. My question though, is just what is Sully up to? Eight dudes is a lot. Is attendance going to be an issue? Are guys moving to part time? And what about the apocalypse, I’ve lost my train of thought… Umm, if it’s a space apocalypse… isn’t Han Solo pretty much a space cowboy? And Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly, yay!). Star Lord too… yeah, they’ll do okay in a space themed apocolypse.
15. Cyclones (0-0). Mini Money is going to be a star. So running with my space apocalypse theme… which I don’t even know how that would work… aliens? Anyways, Mini Money posted more off-season content than the rest of the league combined… or maybe it was just one video I watched like 47 times… anyways, he’s going to be a star. Probably end up leading a band of space pirates… nay, a consortium of space scoundrels. He and his ‘Clones will end up running all the alien space smuggling on and off planet… and anyways, I got way off track, but the point is, Mini Money is my favorite ‘Clone… “Attack of the ‘Clones” should be their motto/slogan… Dang, that's pretty good. I think this coffee is kickin' in.
14. Hops (0-0). It just occurred to me that the Hops probably have the least hops in the HRL. “Hops” as in jumping, not as in the ingredient for beer, in which case they likely have the most hops… Anyways, Hops survive the apocalypse… Why? Because they’ll all ride out whatever horrors await us in the roomy and spacious interior of Willie’s Toyota 4Runner. Obviously. And the 4Runer’s 4.0-liter V6 engine boasting 270 horsepower will help them roll over any mutant bears, dehydrated seamen, or space scoundrel in their way. Also, this has nothing to do with anything but my love of Shirls, but in the event it isnt an apocalypse, but an Apocalypse, Hops are the only team to survive because Shirls is the only one who knows what I'm talking about and recognizes the danger in time to do anything about it. (For everyone else, that was a comic book joke... and not a very good one.)
13. Blue Wahoos (0-0). Kershaw survives due to his stunning cardiovascular health. Antics dies because the air is too polluted up there. Shorts injects himself with a mystery syringe and becomes immune to the plague that wipes out everyone else. The Wish is too scrappy for anything bad to ever happen to him. And T-Sea climbs a pyramid and gets beamed up and saved by his ancient alien friends!
12. Rubberducks (0-0). Sarge obviously survives (for the record, I haven't seen him in ages, but my memory is he's built like a titanium sh*thouse). Anyways, Stache quits on society, like he quit my favorite podcast!!! And retreats to Fargo or wherever he came from. DosBattos goes to be crabby with the Twins. And pNut is a delicious snack for something (or someone). Cause he’s so small of course. What, that make you mad, pNut? Come at me bro. Oh, also, fun homework assignment, go find pNut on Facebook. I know Facebook's for old people, but it’s worth it to see his profile pic.
11. RoughRiders (0-0). Last Fallout show reference, I promise (maybe). Walter Goggins’ character, the Ghoul. Post-apocalyptic rough rider? I think so. Anyways, if they turn into ghouls, I think the 'Riders survive the apocalypse for like 200 years (like in the show). Otherwise… I dunno, they old and they booted everyone without an AARP card off the team… not a strategy I’d have predicted… but I guess we’ll see.
10. Rumble Ponies (0-0). My new favorite Hopkins team. Also, my old favorite Hopkins team. Have these guys added or lost a player in their five seasons? I don’t think so, and that solidarity is what will get them through the apocalypse. That and fire beats by Stix.
8. Braves (0-0). Oh my goodness you guys (and gals). You have no idea how hard this is… Anyways, I guess the Braves survive a long time in the apocalypse because all these dudes have been around forever… I mean, except for the ones who haven’t… Most of this team was around in 2006. Meaning their careers are 18. That’s old enough to vote and see R-rated movies. That’s old enough to play in the league! That’s old enough to stop reading because this is going steadily downhill.
8. Yankees (0-0). STOP THE PRESSES! There’s a Young Yeller? What’s a young version of a silver fox? I don’t know, but color me interested. I better stop now before this gets creepy… too late? Probably.
7. Mets (0-0). I'm not sure if any team cares LESS about what I write about them here. So… on to the next one.
6. Americans (0-0). Knooty Booty survives because I will battle any form of mutant or hellfire to save his precious behind. That’s a guarantee. Lulu will survive awhile, then I predict Dipsh!t finally gets sick of his crap, snaps, and pushes Lulu in front of a stylish and rugged Toyota 4Runner.
5. Vibes (0-0). You guys, are we… okay? If we’re cool and it’s okay for me to make fun of you again, just… keep talking about FAMILY and pasta and sending Chat GPT power rankings. Anyways, FAMILY will keep these guys (and gal) together during the apocalypse. Also, Dr. Fishhook will, because he might be one of 3 HRL’ers who will actually have skills that are valuable in a post-apocalyptic society.
4. Reds (0-0). As long as there are smaller, weaker teams… errr, I mean people… to beat up on, the Reds will survive the apocolypse.
3. Mippey5 & Others (0-0). For however long these guys survive, I hope there’s the internet. Cause I expect Mippey to continue to produce wonderful videos documenting his life in the wasteland. Oh, and Murse! All that cardio from walking will ensure he lives a long life… just awful. I'm sorry.
2. Aces (0-0). Like, maybe I’m a little out of it because I’ve been writing an hour straight and my brain is empty… but these guys would do anything to win survive the apocalypse, right? And like, can’t you kinda invision Dumpy resorting to cannibalism. Like, waaay too soon. Like, day 2 after the bomb he’s buttering up Dodger Dave and trying to take a bite… no, you’re weird.
1. Grasshoppers (2-0). Ugh. Big mutant irradiated grasshoppers is probably how we all die.