You thought I gave up on the Rankings, didn’t you? Well, so did I. For awhile there. But I realized, I’d never forfeit… the Rankings. Yeah, I’m still bitter about that.
Anywho, I was going to skip this week too, but the stars aligned in such a way I felt compelled to write.
So, I stole the idea for the last Rankings from Epstein. Spoiler alert, these were his idea too. I started writing them a couple weeks ago, but then I forfeited that idea… fast forward a couple weeks and Shipwreck’s wife shared something she found in her kid’s backpack with me, and I knew it was a sign to get back on the horse and resume ranking teams.
Anyways, what she shared was a sheet of yearbook superlatives that Shippy’s kid and my kid filled out. You know, ‘Most likely to succeed,’ ‘Most likely to write a novel,” etc. They’d filled in every one of them with either of their names (or both)… I don’t think they understood the assignment.
Anyways, Epstein told me to use that very same idea for the Rankings the week of the forfeit. When ideas repeat, that means something. Right?
Anyways… Here. We. Go.
Time for jokes…
24. Class Clown, Most likely to become a famous comedian: Bears (0-5). Because this team is a joke. Okay, that’s mean, but I am still a little LOT pissy about the forfeit.
23. Most likely to win at Jeopardy: Marlins (0-8). Because Neut. He is my dear friend, and one of my favorite things to do is ask him a very simple question… and get a very complex answer. My guy knows a lot about a lot. My guess is I’ll get a big long text later about all the well thought out reasons he thinks he actually wouldn’t be good on Jeopardy… which is the kind of thing someone who would be great at Jeopardy would do.
22. Most likely to have perfect attendance: Millers (0-8). Well, we know it wouldn’t be the Bears… anyways, I just wanted to include that joke, cause I’m STILL pissy and whiny. Anyways, now that I think of it, the Millers in no way, shape, or form, give off any kind of “perfect attendance” vibes. Like, not even a little. Not even Dr. K.
21. Most likely to become a lawyer: Lugnuts (0-6). I mean, Twizzler’s in law school… so, low hanging fruit. That is of course unless she gets disbarred for hanging out with all those degenerates this summer…
20. Most opinionated: Twins (0-6). I mean… just look at the roster. Nothing but opinionated old farts as far as the eye can see.
19. Most likely to win the lottery and lose the winning ticket: RoughRiders (0-1-7). They had Jagr’s offspring and let them get away. That was… not so smart.
18. Most school spirit: Mariners (2-6). This is basically all Trent. I’m sure the other guys got spirit too, but the amount of time and effort he puts into the jerseys every year… chef’s kiss. A great guy and great asset. Thank you, friend. (Also, this will probably be the only mention of the Mariners all year without a Seamen reference… oops.)
17. Most likely to be in bed by 8pm: Braves (1-5). Well, they’re old. Old people go to be early. I know, I know. The newer guys aren’t old, of course, but they seem like really wholesome guys who probably just go to bed early because it’s the right thing to do.
16. Worst case of senioritis: Hops (1-3). I had two choices. Make a joke about senioritis because they’re all old, or arthritic, or both. Or two, make a senioritis joke because they’re slackers and not trying hard. At all. But then I realized, why not both? TOOTIN!
15. Most changed from freshman year: Americans (3-5). I feel like the Americans used to be a team that always won like 20-25 games per year, got stuck in Wifflepalooza, and then dominated the entire tournament. Now… not so much. Who is this team? It’s like I don’t even know them anymore…
14. Most likely to become a farmer: Rubberducks (4-4). I just figure when his wiffle career is over, Stache will head back to Fargo or wherever in North Dakota he’s from and become a man of the land.*
13. Most likely to appear in a Beyonce video: Cyclones (3-4). I’m not sure I believe they’re actually THE most likely to appear in a Beyonce video. But I am sure they are the team I would MOST LIKE TO SEE in a Beyonce video. I bet T-Mac has some sweet moves. I know Torpedo does, which means Lil Mahomes probably does too… Anyways, I want to see these fellas backing up the Queen B… although maybe not as much now with Cowboy Carter… but yes, still!
12. Most likely to win an Oscor for Best Actor: Mets (3-3). Cause they act like they don’t care, but we all know they really do.
11. Most likely to win the lottery: Trash Pandas (5-3). Noah J is going to be a force in this league. Don’t know where he came from (I asked and instantly forgot, because I’m old). Don’t care where he came from. The guy can hit, he’s working through newbie pitching struggles, and once it all comes together, he’ll be dangerous. You’ve been warned.
10. Most likely to start a band: Space Cowboys (5-1). Awesome band name: check. Talented musicians: check. Groovy hair (on top and on faces): check and check. An older guy who doesn’t really match the vibe of the group, but could definitely be their shady manager: check. Also, aren’t these guys already a band? And if not, why did I let Meow sign my chest last week?
9. Most likely to be abducted by aliens: Blue Wahoos (5-3). Yes, the very same aliens who built the pyramids. Probably only T-Sea will get abducted by aliens, because he’s the only one who believes in them… and if that happens, can I get his roster spot? Out of nowhere a few days ago, my brain says to me, “You know, I miss Antics. I wonder what he’s up to…” And then checked my phone to see if I had his number. No joke. I think I miss him. Is that an early sign of dementia?
8. Best Bromance: Rumble Ponies (6-2). I’m sure I’m getting this wrong, but aren’t these guys all buddies from like high school? And they’re not the ‘too young to drink’ kids who joined the league. They’re like, adults now.
7. Best clique: Vibes (6-2). I don’t know. Family? Sorta the same right? It’s been a long day.
6. Most likely to travel to world: Tourists (6-2). Because the name. I’m lazy. So sue me.
5. Most likely to quietly take over the world (this is a weird one, right?): Yankees (7-1). These dudes are 7-1. Not surprising (talent wise), but surprising in that I don’t think I’ve heard anything from or about these guys all year. Like, since week one: nothing. Maybe it’s just me not doing the rankings… or doing post games… or paying any sort of attention… hmmm. SILVER FOX!
4. Most likely to become principal of your school: Reds (7-1). Cause like, don’t the Reds kind of have Big Principal Energy? Like, they’re out there trying to have fun for probably the first time ever and they just expect everyone else to have fun because they bought a pizza or whatever. But really no one is actually having any fun at the pizza party because they didn’t bring enough. Also, you have a long history of not being fun, so why do you think one pizza is suddenly going to make you cool. Stop it. It’s sad. No one wants to have fun with you. Or do they? No, I think they’re just pretending.
3. Most likely to become a YouTube sensation: Mippey5 & Others (7-1). Cause didn’t he already do that?
2. Most likely to drop their phone in the toilet: Aces (7-1). I’m just playing the odds. Dumpy usually reads these. Most likely on the toilet. On the very RARE occasion I type something funny, he might laugh a little to hard and PLOP. Poop phone. Also, remind me never to borrow Dumpy’s phone. Haha. And Dumpy. Dump. It’s been a long day.
1. Most likely to succeed: Grasshoppers (8-0). Never shoulda left this team…
*J.K., Stache. I know you’re not from ND.