Saturday morning I woke up early to run a 10k in the sweltering heat and 5000% humidity. It definitely felt like I was running (let’s be honest, jogging… slowly) uphill the entire time. And I definitely sweat out about ten pounds. Ick.
But I had a blast because I was raising money for ALS at the great event Epstein planned. I assume single-handedly, but he may have had a little help. Anyways, it was great and the turnout was awesome and it raised a ton of money for a great cause. Great work John!
Aaaand I ran farther than Mippey, so I can finally check ‘Beat Mippey at Anything’ off my bucket list.
So, who cares? Not you, I’m sure. But I mention it because the theme of today’s rankings originated at this event. Mippey (sigh) told me I should write the rankings as though I’m a personal trainer, giving each team exercise advice. And since everything Mippey does is awesome (apparently, ask my kid… sigh again), I am doing as he says.
If these suck, please let Mippey know. Even though he had nothing to do with writing any of them. Except the one for the Chihuahuas. He insisted I word that one EXACTLY as it appears. Weird, but that’s Mippey for you.
Time for jokes…
24. Every good workout needs some inspiration. For the Bears (0-7), I’m recommending they take a nice long listen to anything by David Goggins. In short, his message is: never quit. Never give up. I think he’d rather die than forfeit… just sayin’. I’m still sour.
23. Do the Lugnuts (0-8) still reach into the ice bucket to hand out an ice-cold homerun Hamm’s after someone hits a bomb off them? Well, if so, I recommend they ice plunge. Often. Best get used to that cold.
22. The Marlins (0-8) have struck out more than any other team (almost, but for the sake of the joke, pretend it’s true). As such, I’m recommending chair sits. Just practice getting up… and sitting back down.
[That’s mean, but I laughed out loud, and that’s the mark of my least mediocre work.]
21. Hey Twins (0-8), you ever hear of Kegels? No? They’re easy. It’s just like picking up a marble. With your taint. Anyways, prostate cancer is no joke when you get to be our age fellas. And apparently these help. I might even be doing some right now. So, this taint a joke, pretend to pick up them marbles! It’s for the sake of your prostates!
20. If you enjoy hitting lob balls and hanging out with old dudes… Braves (2-6), have I got the sport for you: Pickleball.
19. I don’t know what exercise I’d recommend for the Millers (1-9), but I do know I’d recommend a nice shoe. Probably one with run support. Heh? Get it? Instead of arch support. Meh.
18. I don’t understand Pilates. Not one bit. And recently I learned there is such a thing as suspended Pilates. I guess it’s Pilates, but you’re hanging from the ceiling for whatever reason… It doesn’t make sense. Does not compute. Reminds me of the RoughRiders aka (not my) Expos (1-9). You’re bouncing between cities. You’re raising young HRL superstars then letting them ditch the team. And now you’re changing your name… I don’t get ANY of it. Especially the name change. Are you trying to be fun now? You proclaiming your love for Canada? Please explain. Or don’t, I probably won’t listen anyways.
17. Okay, this week I couldn’t decide which joke to pursue for the Mariners (3-9). I’m lazy, so rather than write two jokes, I’ll give you the premise for both jokes and you can make your own. Cool?
#1. [Seamen]+[protein shakes] = dirty comedy
#2. [Seamen]+[water aerobics, “seamen splashing around”] = gross comedy
Enjoy!
16. The original joke was that I didn’t need to recommend an exercise for the Hops (3-3) because they were already doing the 12-ounce curls that I’d recommend… cause they like drinking. Ha ha. Meh. So instead I decided to elevate the joke and recommend they work on their stone lifts. What’s that? It’s lifting big a$$ heavy stones. Obviously. Why? Because these fellas need to upgrade from the 12-ounce curls, to full on keg curls. Kegs… stones… anyways, you try writing this crap.
15. Cyclones (3-6) should enroll in swimming classes. I hear time underwater helps improve lung capacity. You know… for inhaling… stuff.
14. I was struggling for this one, so I googled, “what is the most American (4-6) exercise ever?” (I assumed it would be sitting on a couch. Or not exercising.) The answer: Tire flips. I can’t argue with that. Or make a joke about it. So, on to the next one.
13. This next part isn’t a joke. I was thinking about the Rubberducks (5-5), and I was like, they’re tiny. Like absurdly tiny. Sure, Sarge is built like a tank. And Paperboy is probably average size, but pNut (baby size), TwoBat (big baby size), and Stache (regular baby size) are small men. So, then I thought, I bet power lifters are tiny. I don’t know why I thought it, but I did. And guess what, according to the internet, the average Olympic power lifter is between 5’5” and 5’8”. So… they’re too small to be power lifters, but you know… I had to say something.
12. The Trash Pandas (6-4), like the fuzzy little critters they’re named after, feast on trash (pitching). I can’t recommend pickleball again. That’s only funny once… not even once? Anyways, maybe try… walking. That seems to be the only other thing that gets under peoples’ skin like stat padding lob ball games.
11. This is the last one I wrote, and I was STRUGGLING. So, I took a peek at the website and saw that the Space Cowboys (6-2) lead the league in ROE. I take that to mean you aren’t hitting the ball hard enough. If you just hit the ball over the fence, the other team can’t commit an error. So, that means you need to get stronger. Fast. It’s a short season. So… maybe think about steroids…? I don’t want to catch you guys injecting stuff into your butts though.
10. The Blue Wahoos (5-5), T-Sea in particular, need to get on the Stairmaster. Why? Because pyramids are basically just a huge set of stairs. And the aliens won’t wait forever for him to reach the top… ahh, that gift just keeps on giving… me bad ideas for jokes. Anyways, Caveman Kershaw should ACTUALLY be your fitness motivation, FYI. #FatherFigures
9. You know how I know the Mets (4-4) do yoga? Exhibit A: Taco’s calm a$$. And Exhibit B: JC, you know he’s flexible in ALL the right ways. And who knows, maybe it would help calm down Thunderson and all his fiery Twitter takes…
8. If you’ve never tried to ruck march, Tourists (6-4), you should! Basically, it’s a long walk (or march) carrying a heavy load. When I’ve done it, I’ve just loaded a backpack with weights and hit the road. So, what I’m telling you is, pack all your $hit and start walking back to Hopkins. Love you Face and new guys!! Zabka, not you.
7. If you read these even semi-regularly, you know I love the Rumble Ponies (8-2). That being said, your homerun celebration… riding the pony. AWFUL. You get no elevation. Your bouncing has no… POP! It’s like that little pony is on its way to the glue factory. Therefore, I demand you start doing calf raises. Squats. Whatever it takes to pump up that pony poppin’. No more half-@ss pony trots. I wanna see high knees. I want to think you’re about to bounce right over the dang board. Trot it like you mean it. Pop that pony like you stole it!
6. Vibes (8-2), head over to the weight rack, grab a couple dumbbells (I use 45s, feel free to start lower) and start doing some dang curls. Your celebration, the chef’s kiss, is an absolutely perfect way to show off well sculpted biceps. The kiss brings all the attention to your arms, all you need to do is add a little flex and BOOM! WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW! Unfortunately, since Nightmare left, there is no show. There are no guns. Just skinny little things with no pop. No boom. Do us all a favor. Either lose the sleeveless jerseys or start heaving some weight.
5. Yankees (9-1) need to do extra sets of shoulder presses. What could be better than a Yankee huddle? A Yankee huddle with plenty of strong, firm shoulders to cozy up on!
4. Ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer signs up for the kids’ karate class and kicks a bunch of their a$$es and then thinks he’s a real tough guy? Reminds me of a team that would jump into a division with the Bears, ‘Nuts, and Trash Pandas and then think they’re real special when they go 9-1… ahem *Cough.* Everyone hates the Reds (9-1). *Cough*
3. Mippey (9-1). Deadlifts. It’s going to take a strong back to carry a team all season.
2. The Aces (8-2), from what I can tell, are all very healthy young men. My recommendation is they focus on nutrition. From the look of things, none of these boys has had a nice, nutritious, home cooked meal since they were last home raiding ma and pa’s pantry. Please fellas, eat something.
1. No one cares about them, obviously, but I can’t be the only one who would love to see the Grasshoppers (10-0) doing hip thrusts. Right?! Imagine Griz doing weighted groin pumps. Ha! Now do Smallpox. HaHa! Next do Fishy. Finally, do Cakes. HAHAHAHA!!! I know I’m in a better mood now. I bet you are too! Don’t do Babyface though. No one wants to see him do ANYTHING. Ew.