I went to Twitter to ask for help coming up with ideas for these rankings. I didn’t get much I could work with (on short notice, Bauer, the GoT idea is awesome, but it’s too big, I’ve tried several times in the past and it’s a heavy lift I can’t make work… and marsupials… Thunderson… I don’t even know).
Anyways, I didn’t get much help, but I did feel like I was building some momentum, so I didn’t want to skip a week.
So here are some VERY mediocre rankings inspired by my favorite wiffler, Fortnite (aka my kid), who I just sent off for his last day of school.
Behold, the rankings based on my very favorite parts of summer vacation as a kid.
Time for jokes… [I don’t want anyone getting their hopes up this week.]
24. One of my favorite parts of summer vacation is doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that’s okay. Bears (0-9).
23. When you play the Lugnuts (0-10), you know there’s going to be fireworks.
[Buckle up. I didn’t have any good ideas this week, so that’s the sort of crap you’re in for.]
22. As a kid, summers meant making the 5-ish hour drive into Wisconsin to visit my grandparents. I’m not sure any of the Twins (1-11) are grandparents (yet)… but they’re definitely old enough…
21. Is there an easier comparison to make than “The Marlins (1-11) are like fishing?” I don’t know, but I guess we’ll find out together…
[If you stop reading now, no one will ever know… or blame you.]
20. Is there anything in the summer better than the sound of the ice cream truck coming down the street? I mean, yes, according to this list there are nineteen better things… anyways, the Millers (1-11), like the ice cream truck, are a treat. A delightful, and always welcome, surprise. You hear it coming and you drop EVERYTHING to run home for a couple bucks. I wish I could be that excited about anything anymore… sigh… Also, I think, The Mart is the kind of kid who hung out wherever the ice cream truck was and would comment on every kid’s order. Choco Taco, nice choice. Ice cream ninja turtle, sweet. Banana popsicle, sucker!
19. So my town, beautiful Lake Elmo, has a monthly flea market in the summer. It’s great. Not cause of the stuff, that’s mostly trash, but because of the people watching. So many… characters. Now, I’m not saying the Braves (2-8) are weird dudes that hang out at flea markets… but their variety of facial hair styles makes me think they could be. Also, I could totally see Sanchez working over some poor old guy at a stand, haggling over some vintage coat hanger made out of deer antlers.
18. I think the Expos (1-11) have a plan. They’ve sent Dumpy and Keeks away to summer camp these past few summers and then soon, maybe next year, they bring the kids back home where they belong. They’re just off getting some world experience, making new friends, trying archery for the first time… that sort of crap… I dunno. I told you these weren’t great.
17. It wouldn’t be summer without summer chores, like weeding your parents’ garden or mowing the lawn. So, there’s one of two jokes here for the Hops (3-5). First, hanging out with the Hops, specifically Tootin’, is a chore. Because it absolutely is, trust me. [Meh.] Or Groundskeeper Willie, something, something, yardwork, and rink maintenance. [Even worse… but no one had a better idea this week, so this is the kind of crap you get. Enjoy!]
16. The first joke was DEFINITELY going to be about the Mariners (4-10) and water parks and seamen splashing around. [Yuck!] We all know I’m not one to avoid beating a joke to death (in fact, that’s sort of my thing), but I decided I’d rather point out that I’d REALLY like to spend a day at Valley Fair with the Mariners. The idea of riding roller coasters with TD (the wiffler formerly known as Diddy) genuinely brings a smile to my face. And who wouldn’t want to ride the ferris wheel with Squirrel?
15. You know who I think would throw down one of the best summer barbeques in the HRL? The Cyclones (5-6). Baby T looks like a dude who knows his way around a grill. Renny seems quiet, but he strikes me as a fellow who’d be hilarious after an afternoon drinking in the sun. Torpedo for sure has all the little side munchies covered. And T-Mac probably shows up super late, but then shows up with like a trunk full of beers and what not to make up for it. Yeah, I’d like to BBQ with these dudes.
14. As I got older, but not too old because I hate them now, I liked going on summer road trips. I believe the Space Cowboys (6-4) would be a great team to road trip with. [Hmmm, have I used this before… it seems familiar. Anyways…] You know the tunes would be good, and I’m genuinely curious about these guys and where they came from, so the conversation would be great.
13. Hmmm… Camping… Trash Pandas (7-5)... Definitely no jokes to be found here.
12. Last week I joked that the Tourists (7-5) should pack all their sh!t and start walking back to Hopkins. That was my favorite. This week, they should pack all their sh!t and get lost.. errr, I mean go camping in the woods. Because… I dunno… I guess now the joke is I want the Tourists out of Eagan. Immediately. Except that isn’t a joke, it’s how I actually feel… I’m confused.
11. Hmm. I’m struggling with this one, so you get another “make your own joke” this week. The Rubberducks (7-5) and squirt guns. Something about them being small again. You figure it out.
10. Blue Wahoos (7-5). First thing that came to mind was summer road construction. And I was going to quickly turn that into a “constructing pyramids” joke. But I realized I’ve been wearing that joke out, and I wanted to give T-Sea a break. So, instead I’ll talk about when I was a kid and me and my siblings would walk to the library. It was like a couple miles. It was fun. We were nerds and we got to walk around town on an adventure that ended in books. Whatever. Anyways, Kershaw is a fitness guy, so I figured it made sense. Walking is exercise, right? So, Kershaw, you should walk to the library and get your boy a book on pyramids.
[I don’t think that joke landed as hard as I wanted, but so you know, I laughed out loud.]
9. What is more American (8-6) than water parks? Splashing around giggling and having fun when millions of people don’t have regular access to clean drinking water… ahhh, America. f*** yeah!
[Where’d that come from? I don’t know either. This is hard. Leave me alone!]
8. Mets (7-5). Summer reading club. Because the Mets (Taco) are the only team to tell me (Taco, every season) how they don’t ever read these. I can’t blame them.
7. Last year, in one night, I experienced both the best and worst wiffleball post-games I’ve had in my 17+ years in the league, with the Vibes (8-4). We went to Dairy Queen. What? You don’t love DQ Nightmare? No, I do. Just not after a night of wiffleball. BUT, it was at the request of my boy, Fortnite. So, I hated it, but loved that the family would do that for my kid. Thank you. (And I know you’d have gone there with or without him, but whatever, I still appreciate you dudes.)
6. Now I never went to summer camp myself, but I definitely saw a lot of movies and TV shows about summer camp (Salute My Shorts is an all-time great!). Anyways, the Rumble Ponies (10-2) have all the characters for a great summer camp movie. Air Jordy’s the guy who’s allergic to everything. B Squared is super homesick all the time. Kuks is the tough guy with the heart of gold who loves like bunnies and stuff. Stix is the cool city kid who refuses to interact with nature. And I bet Z Bruh knows everything about every plant and animal at camp…
5. I don’t know why, but no one likes the Reds (10-2). (That’s a lie, I know exactly why.) Anyways, the Reds strike me as kids who needed to get signed up for summer day camps. Something to get them out of the house so that they could meet some nice kids their own age and maybe make some friends.
4. Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish, how many pieces do the Yankees (11-1) wish? Four. One, two, three, four, I started this joke and realized no numbers rhyme with “Yankee huddle…”
3. I bet a day at the beach with the Aces (10-2) would be awesome. Playing catch (with a football specifically) with Psych. Being blinded by the sun reflecting off Dodger Dave’s pale skin. Watching Dumpy try to impress the ladies… and failing. Miserably. It would be fun.
2. I’ve been working on these an hour, and that’s how long I told myself that I’d put into them. This one was tough because I KNOW there’s a Stand by Me comparison to make here, but I just don’t have the time to work out how the Chihuahuas (11-1) are the characters from the movie going on that random summer adventure to find a dead body. I mean, what would the dead body be? A wiffle championship? The all-time walk record? I just don’t know. Or care, frankly. However, I will say that Mippey is the Kiefer Sutherland character because he’s awful and a bully (literally NO ONE liked the rankings last week, thanks for nothing, Ace!). Also, something about leeches in their underpants because that scene traumatized me as a child.
[Also, Ace is Keifer Sutherland’s character’s name in Stand by Me. I had to look that up.]
1. One of the best (and worst) parts about summer vacation is the Minnesota State Fair. It is awesome because food, food, and more food. But it’s also the worst because it’s the sign that summer is over. The Grasshoppers (12-0) aren’t awesome (especially Mike), but I do think they’ll be there at the end of the summer.