So… Franklin slid into the DMs this week. Apparently Sweet Feet gets jealous if I mention anyone but him. Oh well.
As usual, his idea was hurtful... but hilarious. He wants me to call out the worst nickname on each team and make a mean joke about the nickname... or the person... or both? He wasn't very clear on that. Although he was VERY clear that he didnt think I had the stones to pull it off. He said I had sad little mustard seeds and couldn't do it.\
He’s probably right, I like to stay positive, but I figured, I'd give it a shot.
Well, Daffodil Daydream (his new nickname for me) is going to give it a shot. And he's right, I probably can’t pull this off… but my deadline is approaching, and I got nothing else.
Time for (quickly crafted and not very funny) jokes…
24. Bears (0-16): Ducksauce. Maybe I’m just gross, but nothing good comes to mind when I hear the word(s) “duck sauce.” I think of like, Howard the Duck and an adult magazine. Ew.
23. Lugnuts (0-16): J Fax. What’s that even supposed to mean? It’s probably just his first initial and his last name. Lame, what are you, signing for a FedEx package. Unless he(?) shows up at the rink screeching like a fax machine, this nickname is awful and should be eliminated. Immediately.
22. Expos (1-17): Uffda. I don’t know what it means, or what it’s supposed to mean, but I find that combination of letters to be awful and insulting to Scandinavian people.
21. Marlins (4-14): Shipwreck. I came up with it, I’m allowed to not like it anymore.
20. Braves (4-14): Chops. More like “Chop-less.”
19. Millers (5-13): Mr. Dobalina. Am I allowed to say he is…. too Caucasian for this nickname?
18. Twins (6-12): NA. They get a pass. I think all their nicknames are perfect. Well, maybe TT should go back to “Thrill.” Or “Mr. T” (the ‘T’ there stands for ‘truant’ cause he never shows up).
17. Cyclons (6-9): Baby T, Lil’ Mahomes, Mini Money… what’s with the small theme in these names? Are you guys trying to tell us something? You can be honest and go with “medium.”
16. Hops (6-8): Kyle M. It’s his second season and this is the best the Hops could come up with? Pathetic. Either a) just tell the guy you don’t really like him and don’t want him to come back, or b) give the man a nickname. The bar for nicknames is incredibly low. Tootin, you’re very clever when it comes to insulting me, why not put that brain cell to work coming up with a nickname for Kyle.
15. Mariners (8-12): Keeks. I’d always assumed “keeks” was some sort of butt reference because… immaturity, and his brother is Dumpy… but it’s not. I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, and now I’m dumber than I was five minutes ago, so thanks for that.
14. Trash Pandas (8-8): Noah J. He’s one of your best players. He’s having a great season and probably will have a great career and you clowns can’t even come up with a nickname for him? For shame. Wiffle Jesus needs to revisit his Wiffle Commandments: (#1) Thou shalt not forsaken your rookies, and (#2) Thou shalt cherish and give your best player a nickname before someone comes and steals him off your team.
13. Rubberducks (8-6): Stache. The nickname is fine… Stache is just the worst.
12. Americans (9-7): Jet Plane. Although maybe it’s the best nickname because clearly, he got on a jet plane and took the F off never to see these guys again.
11. Tourists (10-8): Daddy. Because you’re Zabka, and you always will be Zabka. Maybe Mr. Zabka if you’re feeling spicy. Daddy? Ha. I don’t think so.
10. Blue Wahoos (11-7): T-Sea. Clearly his nickname should be “T-Soukalos.” Or “Giorgio.” (FYI, Giorgio Tsoukalos is the guy from the Ancient Aliens meme). Or maybe “T-See-you-later-I-have-to-go-put-on-my-tinfoil-hat.”
9. Mets (10-8): JC. I’m not a fan of any nickname that wouldn’t induce a flinch or double-take outside the rinks.
8. Space Cowboys (11-5): Pitch Clock. Not only do I not get it, I don’t get how it could possibly ever be funny… in any context.
7. Vibes (11-7): Epstein. I mean… come on. Be better.
6. Reds (12-6): Pooh Bear. No nickname should trigger images of a guy walking around without pants and covered in honey.
5. Yankees (12-6): Z-Dog. As far as nicknames go, using someone’s first initial followed by “Dog” is almost as lazy as just using their initials.
4. Chihuahuas (14-4): Air Bud. You sir are no Air Bud. You don’t have beautiful golden hair, and you probably aren’t even good at basketball. Bad dog. Your nickname should be “Shades.”
3. Aces (15-3): Dodge Dave. *News Flash* you’re not a Dodger anymore. And your name isn’t Dave. Is it? I don’t really know. Or care.
2. Rumble Ponies (16-2). Yeah right, I’ve loved these dudes from day 1. No way I’m choosing… okay, twist my arm: Kuks. Too close to “cucks.”
1. Grasshoppers (18-0): Baby Face. People actually like babies’ faces. No one likes Mike or his stupid handsome face.