EVERY year, I have a grand plan to do a Rankings where I recommend All-Star votes. Typically, the timing doesn’t work (i.e., I’m lazy and I don’t find the time to do it). Although… now that I think of it… maybe I did do an All-Star article once… maybe several times… who knows. Or cares.
Anyways, this year, I had the time, and low and behold: Rankings Day is also ALL-STAR VOTING DAY! (I mean, you have several days to vote, this is just the first day you can vote.)
I was a little sad to hear we aren’t holding the event in Iowa Shakopee again this year… but then I remembered it’s literally 50 miles from my house to the Bowl and I started to feel MUCH better.
Anyways, this year/week I wanted to highlight one player from every team you could vote for when you cast your All-Star ballot. Some are obvious (e.g., Psych). Others are far less obvious (e.g., no one’s favorites: Zabka and Stache).
And finally, I offered a look at what would be my All-Star ballot, if given the chance to vote in both cities… and spoiler alert: NO, I don’t vote for all the people I put in the rankings. I know that, don’t text me about it.
Time for jokes…
24. Bears. Vote For: I’m not sure any Bear would show up to the game… but Cannablast is a… blast. That sounded sarcastic, but I’ve socialized with him, and he actually is a pretty cool dude. Vote him for Fun-star.
23. Lugnuts. Vote For: Twzzler for Fun-star. I know she’s not actually that fun, but maybe she’ll bring cookies. Or pastries. Or you could vote for the anti-Franklin: Hoover. You really can’t go wrong with either. They may not be stars, but they sure are fun!
22. Twins. Vote For: TT for ALL the things. Rumor has it, TT is retiring (again). I think he should be voted in just for one last (maybe) great night of wiffles. And then when he retires again next year, we’ll do it again!
21. Marlins. Vote For: Shipwreck for fielder. Or Neut for fun-star. Or Yak for fun-star. Mostly… I just want to carpool to the game, and these are the dudes who live closest to me. Selfish, I know, but can you help a brutha out? But really, Shipwreck is top notch in the field, and he could use a night away from all his children.
20. Expos. Vote For: H9K for pitcher. I don’t know what the heck is going on with the Expos, but Hjal has struck out the most batters in the league (95), is striking out over 10 batters per game (10.18), and… has a 1-9 record. I can’t even comprehend how that happens. Anyways, he’s good. He should be there, he’ll strike people out.
19. Millers. Vote For: The Mart for fun-star or Smitt Dogg as a fielder. The Mart is fun. Not, “he can be fun” or “he is fun to be around.” He is fun. Literally. Look it up in the dictionary, he is him… but he is fun. Smitt Dogg fields pretty good. I don’t recall if he’s been an All-Star fielder each of his years in the league… but he’s that good.
18. Hops. Vote For: Groundskeeper Willie for anything… so someone can tame the grass in Eagan so Hopkins can shut up about how crap the fields are… I almost feel bad about that one, because I bet Willie saw it coming from a mile away… but I think my predictability and lack of creativity are the things he likes about me.
17. Braves. Vote For: Mitch… Knipples… as All-Star hitter. I don’t know for sure that they are the same person, but I assume so. I suppose I could look… but that would be work. And I don’t do work. Anyways, whoever this person is, .396 average and 18 tanks. I’d let him hit for Eagan.
[Let’s pause for a moment to acknowledge all the new nicknames after my article about nicknames (not Nickname on the Puppies, ew, I wouldn’t write about him… online. My personal journal is a different story…and none of your business!!)]
16. Mariners. Vote For: TD for All-Star hitter. Hitting .477 with 13 bombs. Clearly, the man has started taking PEDs, but I don’t care. Those aren’t illegal here. Also, I like this dude and I always have. I love to see him killing it the way he is.
15. Trash Pandas. Vote For: Sayles Guy for Homerun Derby. I’m just now noticing that we’re voting for that this year. And clearly, Sayles Guy can crush lob balls. Bring it home, BS… wow, what unfortunate initials… Honorable mention for noob-star: Noah. Or Titos Vodka. Or Tatiana Ali… I forget what they told me they call him, but he’s VERY good. Another Honorable mention for Wiffle Jesus, this man caught a wiffleball in his beer last year. We need more of that.
14. Cyclones. Vote For: Baby T for All-Star pitcher. Second most Ks in the league (94), behind only the future Hall of Famer, Hjal. And I think the kid will actually get better, but that’s a different conversation... Get him in the game coach. Honorable mention: Medium Mahomes for All-Star fielder. Because: obviously.
13. Mets. Vote For: Taco as All-Star hitter. I have no idea what his stats are, I just know if you put him in a big spot, he’ll do big things…. Even though he tiny.
12. Blue Wahoos. Vote For: Antics for fun-star. I know a lot of people can’t stand him. They say he’s annoying and too tall and he talks too much crap and he overall just grinds your gears in the worst way… and he does… I don’t know where I was going with that. Anyways, is Antics the new Franklin?
11. RubberDucks. Vote For: Stache for All-Star hitter. No, you wouldn’t be throwing your vote away. You don’t have to like the guy to vote for him. Listen, he’s having a CAREER year. .379 average and 11 bombas. He’s earned it.
10. Americans. Vote For: Dr. Dipshit for All-Star fielder. Except not really. He’s earned it, but apparently, he just shows up an hour late to everything and it’s already hard enough to keep All-Star night running on schedule. Nevermind. Vote Knooty Booty cause he’s an American treasure… see what I did there?
9. Yankees. Vote For: Rocky as All-Star fielder. I feel like we’ve forgotten how good he is in the field. Let’s take a moment to remember… ahhh, that was nice. Also, Z-Dog is #2 in Eagan in strikeouts, so if you hate Rocky, vote Z’Dog for All-Star pitcher!
8. Space Cowboys. Vote For: DaVinci is an All-Star pitcher. Period. Fifth most strikeouts in Eagan, but he doesn’t walk anybody. And we know those clowns in Hopkins love to walk. Also, DaVinci might be one of the best fielding pitchers I’ve ever seen.
7. Tourists. Vote For: Zabka for All-Star… hitter? I… guess so. He’s actually… playing well. Hitting… real well… Ugh, I’m getting nauseous saying nice things. I’m done here.
6. Reds. Vote For: Nightmare for Homerun Derby. Hear me out. I just want to go smash the ball a little (aka, do a really long session of BP) and then spend the rest of the night drinking… Which I’ll be able to do because I’ll be carpooling with the Marlins, riiiight?
5. Vibes. Vote For: Dr. Joey aka Fish Hook for All-Star fielder. Most put outs in Eagan and… and… yeah, that’s it.
4. Chihuahuas. Vote For: Murse for All-Star hitter. Because he’s not Mippey.
3. Aces. Vote For: Psych for All-Star Hitter. First, because he’s amazing, everyone with eyes knows that. Second, and probably what impresses me most, he has 15 strikeouts in about 150 plate appearances. That is absurd.
2. Rumble Ponies. Obviously, Hopkins is going to snub all the Ponies (again) this year, but if they don’t, they should vote for: Stix and Air Jordy for All-Star pitchers. Look at the Hopkins pitching stats. They’re both Top 10 (really more like Top 4) in almost every category. I demand Pony Justice! Vote Stix and Jordy!
1. Grasshoppers. Vote For: Griz for All-Star… pitcher? Yes. I think he should be included in the conversation of elite pitchers now. And by that I mean, people other than Griz should start talking about how good he is at pitching now.
Nightmare’s All-Star Ballot (Hopkins):
Hitters: TD, SmallPox, Griz, Psych, Stache, Taco
Pitchers: Psych, Air Jordy, Stix
Fielders: Mippey, The Wish
Fun-Stars: Antics, The Mart, K-Mart, A-Jizz, Eddie Bauer, TT
Homerun Derby: SmallPox, Griz, Fishy, Psych
Nightmare’s All-Star Ballot (Eagan):
Hitters: Knipples, Scrabble, Zabka, Epstein, Nightmare, Sayles Guy
Pitchers: DaVinci, Handy Mat, Baby T
Fielders: Fish Hook, Medium Mahomes
Fun-Stars: Hoover, Twizzler, Neut, Wiffle Jesus, Meesta, Tootin (Hi buddy!)
Homerun Derby: Sayles Guy, Sanchez, Epstein, Nightmare