Long story short, I was texting with Hall of Famer, Box last night (humble brag) and he had the idea to base the rankings on his favorite thing: the Olympics. Yeah, it’s weird, but I love the dude, so here we go.
Time for jokes…
24. BEARS (0-27) – Rugby 7s. What? Hear me out. Typically, in rugby there are 15 players on the field for each team. Rugby 7s is what you get when you can’t get a full team to show up…
23. LUGNUTS (0-28) – Gymnastic floor routine. I don’t get why it’s included, but boy does it look like they’re having fun out there.
22. EXPOS (5-25) – Equestrian. Not only is that great alliteration, but like the Expos, Equestrian sports apparently don’t allow young people to participate (Google “oldest Olympians” and you’ll find a couple retirees doing equestrian stuff). I’m sure it’s super fun though.
21. MARLINS (6-24) – Skateboarding. Skateboarding is incredibly dangerous. At least that’s what Momma Nightmare told me to keep me from trying it. Looking at the number of injuries the Marlins are dealing with this season, they must all be trying kick flips and ollies in their spare time.
20. TWINS (11-19) – Table Tennis. I dunno. I just look at the Twins’ roster and assume every one of these dudes has a ping pong table in their basement/garage.
19. MILLERS (11-19) – Beach Volleyball. Don’t tell me these dudes don’t have every match circled on their calendars… I heard the Mart broke out his old Tivo to record all the matches… you cheeky young man you…
18. CYCLONES (10-19) - Breakdancing. I already told you these guys are the most likely to be in a Beyonce video, and it isn’t for their singing! (Call back to the Week 5 rankings… I love callbacks).
17. BRAVES (12-16) – Tennis. Because I think I heard Sanchez say he was going to propose a rule change that would allow a team to bat using tennis rackets if the opposing pitcher throws over 60mph. [Meh, sorry, last one I wrote.]
16. TRASH PANDAS (11-19) - Surfing. I don’t know what is more surprising, that surfing is an Olympic sport, or the number of TANKS this team is hitting.
15. MARINERS (13-17) - Sailing. [Insert joke about Seamen, obviously.]
14. HOPS (13-15) - Golf. I needed to think of something Tootin’ could do while drinking... then add something about loading up their golf clubs in Willie’s spacious 4Runner.
13. METS (13-15) – Basketball. Are the Mets the shortest team in the HRL? I dunno... I saw a picture of Victor Wembanyama (7+ feet tall) next to a guy from the Japanese Olympic team (like 5 foot and chanage) and it made me chuckle… anyways, they don’t read these so on to the next one (Hi Taco!).
12. AMERICANS (15-13) – Pommel Horse. Stephen Nedoroscik! America! Let’s F***ing Go!
11. REDS (19-11) – Boxing. Reds are taking haymaker after haymaker to the face lately. Losing 4 in a row for probably the first time since being swept in the World Series like a decade ago. How does the team respond?
10. YANKEES (19-11) – Synchronized Swimming. Really, I wanted to use Rugby here (again), because a rugby scrum is basically just an aggressive Yankees’ Huddle… but alas, I don’t want to repeat, so synchronized swimming… because I dunno… Old Yeller in a speedo?
9. TOURISTS (19-11) - Judo. Because Daddy looks like Johnny from Cobra Kai/Karate Kid and Judo is the closest thing to Karate (Are you as surprised as me to learn Karate is no longer an Olympic sport?). Strike first. Strike hard. No Mercy!
8. BLUE WAHOOS (17-13) – Triathalon. Did you know triathletes are allowed to viciously heckle their competitors during competition? JK. I mean, maybe, I don’t know, but I think I made that up. Really, it’s cause Kershaw’s actually done one, and I am not putting a ton of thought into these. [runner up joke was sport climbing... up the side of a pyramid. Hi T-Sea!]
7. RUBBERDUCKS (19-9) – Weightlifting (although the basketball joke may have worked here too… because they're short!). Anyways, I see pNut still isn’t hitting many bombs, so maybe hit the weight room, lil’ buddy!
6. SPACE COWBOYS (21-9) – Marathon. All the dudes on this team (minus Shandy) look like they’re long distance runners.
5. VIBES (21-9) – Fencing. The Italians are cleaning up at the Olympics this year in fencing. Also, something about all the balls they put over the fence last week against the Reds. Dang.
4. CHIHUAHUA (22-8) – Mens Volleyball. We’re getting to the point in the rankings where I just can’t motivate myself enough to care about what I write… plus it’s Mippey, so I know no one else cares either… So… I dunno, with those silly knee pads Mippey looks like a men’s volleyball player.
3. ACES (24-6) – Shooting. Have you seen the pictures of the Olympic shooters… that can’t be what they’re called… can it? Anyways, in the pictures they always seem really chill. Laid back. Relaxed. Just like the Aces…
2. GRASSHOPPERS (25-5) – Baseball. What’s that you say? Baseball was dropped from the summer Olympics? I know it. Just like the Grasshoppers dropped from the #1 spot for the first time in… 2 years. Burn! Love you Cakes, you’re still #1 in my heart.
1. RUMBLE PONIES (25-3) – Women’s Team Gymnastics. They won gold. It’s over. So, no one cares anymore. Just like you Ponies. You’re #1 now, so no one cares about you! Haha! Well done and good luck. Remember Nightmare loved you first! [Alternate Joke: Archery, cause now that they’re the “top” team, they have a target on their back. Hmm, that's more clever than funny... which is why I didnt use it. Toodles!]
[And because tons of people have been asking lately, I spent 72 minutes writing these this week.]