(aka the “I Haven’t Written One of These in 8 Months, So Don’t Get Your Hopes Up Edition”)
It’s here, the most wonderful day of the year! Try and change my mind. (Like the meme…)
You’re going to say, “Christmas.” Wrong. It’s cold and snowy at Christmas, horrible wiffle weather. “But you get presents!” So what. Franklin’s back handing out bombs every week all summer. Boom, lawyered.
“Nightmare, I really like my birthday.” Wrong again. What’s a birthday party but a bunch of your friends showing up at the bar and having drinks and apps? It’s called pre-gaming and post-gaming, try it sometimes. Boom, lawyered.
“Okay then, Thanksgiving.” Nope. Thanksgiving is a bunch of people you haven’t seen in awhile getting a little tipsy and arguing over nonsense. You want that? Okay, just wait til that first pitch goes over 63 in a tight game and some clown tries arguing that the radars aren’t actually accurate, because somehow in the last 8 months they got a PhD in physics and can explain why the rotation of a riser makes it read too fast blah blah blah. Boom! Lawyered again.
“Last day of school?” Why are you excited to finish school? So, you have free time to play wiffleball. L-A-W-Y-E-R-E-D.
“First day of spring?” You mean the first day of wiffleball season. You guesses it: lawyered.
Anyways, I could do this all day, but me telling you why you’re wrong isn’t why you’re here. You’re here to see what I have to say about the order in which I feel wiffleball teams will finish the season. So, here we go. I hope you’re not too disappointed.
Time for jokes…
24. Rattlers. A new team? Looks like the old Bears plus some newbies? I like the new name. I like Professor… but they’re in a division with my ex-team, my other ex-team, and the Space Cowboys. It’s gonna be a tough year for this new squad.
23. Athletics. Another new team full of old faces. Ten years ago, I think this is a 20+ win team. Now, I just hope they don’t tear 20 ACLs… (meh, like my body, my jokes are not in mid-season form yet).
22. Lugnuts. I don’t actually think they’ll win more games than the Athletics (or Rattlers), but I know they like to “feel 22.”
21. Tortugas. I like turtles. Not these turtles in particular though.
20. Marlins. There’s a lot of good dudes on this team. Emphasis on a lot. My takeaway from this huge roster is that they’re going to struggle with attendance. They’ll have either 3 or 13 guys show up. Neither of which is ideal. I could see a magical ‘Palooza run in their future though... if the right mix of guys show up.
19. Twins. Wow. The only thing greater than their combined age, is their roster size. I wonder if someone could put together a chart comparing team size to average age of the players… actually it would just be a line going straight up… so never mind. And K-Mart, stop acting like you’re mad I won’t join the Twins, you have literally every other dude in the league on your roster.
18. Trash Pandas. I think they may have an even easier division draw this year than they did last year. Salesman and Waffle Jesus are going to hit even more tanks than last year!
17. Chihuahuas. You lost Mippey and Air Bud. Bad, bad dogs.
16. Millers. The addition of Stache… was a good move. Improved hitting and pitching. Great work The Mart, for surely masterminding that deal.
15. Mariners. I think this team could surprise some people (no cap). I don’t know why, but something tells me they win a few extra games this year and finish with... 20 some wins. Unless Keeks doesn’t come back from college… then probably mid/high teens win total again.
[The "no cap" joke was because they're all very young... and that's something the youths say... not good, i know.]
14. Braves. No changes this off season. 16 wins last year. Probably an easier division draw this year… Plenty of offense here… This is tough... I think they’ll finish closer to #10 than #14, but I’m very lazy and I already typed “14” earlier so I’ll just leave them here. But really, think “10.” Or “11.” Your choice.
13. Hops. I think the Hops might win this division. So, again, probably they’re deserving of better than 13, but I pre-wrote out the list and changing the order is just… that’s an extra 15 seconds I can’t spend on this.
12. Americans. The move from Hopkins probably adds a few wins, based on easier competition. Adding Hjal and H8R probably adds a few more. So… they’ll end up at probably 24 wins. If they try. Which isn’t a given. Also, congrats to my boy KB!!!
11. Mets. I’m getting bored… so just write your own joke about adding the worst of the Grass family to this team and move on. [Jagr's, Dumpy's, and Keeks’s's last name is Grass, right? Again, too lazy to double check anything, but I think that’s right.]
10. Yankees. I’m pretty sure they Yankees have never won fewer than 20 games in a season. They lost a couple dudes, but added a couple other dudes… Losing Yeller and Webby certainly doesn’t help any team, but I think this team will continue their streak of 20+ win seasons.
9. Tourists. Just like the Americans will pick up some wins moving to the inferior city, the Tourists may lose a couple wins coming to the far more competitive side of town. Luckily though, they had some newer guys who were pretty good last year, who’ll probably be even better this year. So, it’ll even out. Possibly. Face: Reminder, come to Lake Elmo. I’ll pick up the ENTIRE tab. I just wanna see you. Please?
8. Reds.
[I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle talking about those guys yet.]
7. Wahoos. I dunno. Why not?
6. Space Cowboys. I’m not sure they can repeat their run from last year… but I’m also not willing to rule it out. So, I’ll err on the side of them being one of the better Eagan teams… for now… not that that’s saying much. EAGAN BURN!
[Oh man… these last 5 are hard… what to do… what to do….]
5. Biscuits. Griz is out for the season. Or less. IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The point is, that isn’t good for everyone’s favorite buttery snack.
4. Vibes. Unless real life or something changes things drastically, they’re my favorite team in Eagan. And I think the most likely to make the World Series.
[See what I did there?]
3. Loons. I don’t want to like them as much as I do…
2. Aces. WHAAAAAT?
1. Rumble Ponies. It’s my list, and I’ll say what I want. Ponies are the most complete team in the league (right now). I said it first, and now I’m saying it the loudest.