wole posted on May 15, 2025 14:23
(aka the “I Don’t Even Know What Week We’re in, So Don’t Get Your Hopes Up Edition”)
I think my brain is still being rain delayed. Coming up with these was hard. I apologize in advance. But remember, you get what you paid for.
Time for jokes…
24. Lugnuts (0-4). I don’t know how to put a ‘shrug emoji’ here, but that’s my initial reaction. I thought they’d put up a bit more offense with their offseason acquisitions, but… shrug emoji.
23. Rattlers (0-6). New team starts the season facing the Vibes, my most recent former team, and the Athletics. Not an easy start. Hopefully Professor can teach the newbies a few things and they can graduate to a winning team… oi. That was awful.
22. Twins (0-5). I’m starting to remember why I stopped doing these every week. This is HARD. I can’t think of anything smart or funny to say. Stop giving up so many runs… I guess that’s solid advice.
21. Tortugas (1-4). This “new” squad can score some runs! And that got me all excited about a bunch of newbies who can hit… but then I realized they’re not new. So, I’m far less impressed. Some might say, I’m not impressed at all.
20. Millers (0-5). Wahoos, Aces, and Biscuits to start the season. Not sure if there’s a team out there who has had a more difficult schedule to start the season. Yikes!
19. Athletics (2-3). Offense: check. Defense: I don’t know, who cares. Pitching: not yet. I don’t know how I feel about this squad yet. Objectively they’re…. not young… but my gut says they could be a sneaky above average team! Maybe when their youths start showing up… Are they grounded?
18. Tourists (1-2). I’d love to harp on the fact this team isn’t hitting dingers… but they’ve barely played any games… So, I guess I’ll have to wait a week or two to do that.
17. Trash Pandas (2-4). Sayles Guy and the wiffle messiah are up to their old shenanigans again. Are their rookie contracts up after this year? I’m already excited to see where they end up next season.
16. Marlins (3-1). Are these fish for reel. They’re making a splash to start the season. Or are they going to flounder? Ugh… Anyways, three fish puns is plenty for this early in the morning/season/lifetime…
15. Chihuahuas (3-2). I’m pleasantly surprised… who’s a good boy?
14. Braves (2-1). WHERE IS SCRABBLE AND IS HE OKAY?!?!?!?
13. Hops (2-2). Quickly looking over the stats and schedule… these guys (especially TOOTIN) are… completely average in every way. Way to not stand out!
12. Mets (2-3). [highlight previous entry, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, move on to the next one.]
11. Mariners (3-2). I think the addition of Baby T is going to end up being one of the most impactful moves of the offseason.
10. Space Cowboys (2-2). Hmmm. I think attendance has been an issue here. I expected better from you, Cowboys. Much better.
9. Americans (3-1). I’m really curious what the chemistry/vibe of this team is going to be like. I think I’d really love to be there if/when Lulu and H8R both show up… and then Dr. Dippoop does something… not smart.
8. Reds (4-2).
7. Yankees (3-1). Or maybe Mini Money is the steal of the offseason? He’s off to a hot start. The Yankees haven’t had the most difficult schedule, that’s true, but I’m a big Yankees fan this year, I think they’re going to do something special.
6. Wahoos (3-2). You guys know the meme where the dude is stressing/struggling which button to push. And option one is like, “make an alien-pyramid joke” and option two is, “make a pNut is small joke,” option 3 would be, “make a joke about hepatitis laden needles,” option 4 is “Antics,” and there’s a button for “Sharknado part II (which will happen eventually, FYI)… Anyways… too many options. I’m paralyzed.
5. Rumble Ponies (3-2). Well… I still love these guys… just maybe not as much as I did two weeks ago. That was a lot of pressure I put on you… I guess.
3. Biscuits (5-0). Choose your own adventure. Option 1: Who needs Griz?? Option 2: I miss Griz.
4. Loons (3-0). They are who we think they are.
2. Vibes (4-0). I’d have thought medical student Fish Hook would have much more important things to do than play wiffleball. I mean, isn’t there a disease out there you should be curing, or a colon you could be un-obstructing?
1. Aces (4-1). Look who’s back.