(aka the “How About This Weather” Edition)
So, my original plan was to compare all the teams to weather events. You know, cause of all this weather we’re having. Luckily (for you), I VERY quickly realized what a gawd awful idea that was. So… you’re welcome. Instead, I just wrote… whatever came to mind. Which isn’t much better.
Time for jokes…
22. Lugnuts (0-6). This team has Twizzler, Skittles, and Snack Pack… I think they picked their nicknames walking down the junk food aisle at the grocery store… anyways, this is usually where I say something nice about the team I’m about to play… usually.
[Haha, love you Luggos, see you tonight. Bring snacks!]
23. Twins (0-7). K-Mart posted something on LinkedIn the other day. I wanted to reply with a screen grab of him “warming up” his bat the other night. I didn’t… but it’s definitely in the back of my head for something to do after a few beers some night… maybe tonight…?
22. Rattlers (0-8). I just spent 400 bucks to send Fortnite (my kid) to D&D camp for a couple weeks this summer… I’m looking at the Rattler’s team page… and I’d bet there’s a couple D&D camp alumni on this roster.
21. Tortugas (2-5). Leon (aka Cherry?) is my favorite rookie. Somehow, it seems like the guy is a 10-year veteran already.
20. Millers (2-5). It’s only a matter of time before I bring out the “Bliss Jr and Stache don’t get run support” jokes… comments… I dunno, are they jokes if they haven’t been funny in four years?
19. Athletics (2-3). Based on their record, more like the UN-athletics, am I right? Sorry, that was horrible, but I want to finish in an under an hour.
18. Trash Pandas (2-6). I came across a video of a raccoon eating grapes, then someone takes his grapes… Laughed out loud. I envision that trash panda reacting to missing grapes a lot like Toonces next year when Sayles Guy and Wiffle Jesus join me on my new team, the Disco Turkeys, in 2026.
Here you go: https://youtu.be/d7TVXZx3JNo
Also: https://www.discoturkeys.com/
17. Mariners (3-4). Too many of the Mariners have their mouths open in their profile pictures. It’s weird. And I’m in a rush, sorry. Also, TD, open invitation to join the Disco Turkeys next year.
16. Marlins (3-1). I think it is hilarious that Shipwreck’s listed on this roster. He has 8 kids. HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE OR HAVE FUN again until the youngest is off to college!
15. Tourists (2-3). I recently learned that Face and Mippey are roommates… and that is the most interesting fact about the Tourists I could think of.
14. Americans (3-3). My Boy KB is a new dad and hasn’t missed a single game? Wow! Even I missed a game (only one) when Fortnite was born.
13. Hops (3-3). Umm… Tootin… Toyota 4Runner… Silver Fox!... Other dudes are also there I think...
12. Mets (3-4). I just rewatched the episode of Epstein’s Couch starring me and Taco. That is the longest we’ve ever gotten along.
11. Braves (4-3). Seriously, is Scrabble okay?
10. Reds (6-2). I know what everyone’s thinking: Nightmare is waiting and waiting for the perfect opportunity to unleash some crippling burn on the Reds…
9. Chihuahuas (4-3). Over the last several seasons, outside my current team (whichever it is at the time), I text with A-Jizz more than any other wiffler in the league, past or present. I’m not sure if that is a humble brag, or just sort of sad (for me)…
8. Wahoos (5-2). pNut has a career high 6 tanks already this season! I know what you’re thinking, he’s been working out with Nightmare to increase his power. You’re right!
[editors note: all of that last post is a lie.]
7. Space Cowboys (6-2). Gamble hit at least 4 nukes off me in the playoffs last year (in one game). I will never recover.
6. Yankees (5-1). It just occurred to me: Snoop Dogg. If I ever write an article about HRL teams as rappers, the Yankees would be Snoop Dogg.
[That did literally just occur to me, and for sure that article is happening... probably... maybe... eventually...]
5. Rumble Ponies (3-4). I faced the Ponies last week on a very blustery night. Lots of things happened... Me and Kuks had a few special moments… but my biggest takeaway… they didn’t drink as much beer as I thought they would have.
[Also, open invite for any of the Ponies to join the Disco Turkeys next year.]
4. Vibes (5-1). I miss you guys.
3. Loons (3-2). As I said earlier, I’ve been rewatching old HRL videos and I made a startling discovery… okay, not startling… probably not even that interesting, but…. Baby Face’s hitting ability is directly proportional to the length of his hair. Longer hair = more/longer bombs. It’s true, weird, but true.
2. Biscuits (7-0). I know, I know. The only undefeated team should be ranked higher, but no one cares about the #1 team, and everyone loves the Biscuits, so… my hands are tied.
1. Aces (6-1). I set a one-hour timer to get these done, and… it hasn’t gone off yet… and no one cares about the Aces!!! Oh yeah, Dumpy, thanks for returning my text, a$$.