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epstein posted on May 28, 2025 21:50
Now you have 2 weeks to prepare for your next edition so they better be really good. We’re gonna start at #1 and work down. The way it should be! I'm the captain now!
- Biscuits - Nightmare, stop trying to humble and rank the Biscuits lower than 1. We’re not falling for it. This team is loaded and no one is stopping them unless some other Hopkins player puts on a hockey jersey and finishes the job before September. Get well soon Griz.
- Aces - Psych is the only other player in Hopkins with a clear ability and supporting cast to lead a team past the Biscuits. Dumpy/Nightmare playoff duel will be a must watch.
- Loons - Smacked around the Vibes last week. Such a violent swinging team. If Wolves lose today (I'm writing this Wednesday before Game 5), I pray for whoever has to face Web Gem tomorrow.
- Vibes - Playing the Reds next Monday will be a test, and they have yet to play a full-strength Space Cowboys. Cheerio has made 8 straight City Finals though. Surely this statement won’t come back to haunt us in September.
- Space Cowboys - Some attendance issues played a role in their losses to the Vibes. Rumor has it there may be some more missed time for Da Vinci and Meow this summer? If true, these boys are likely destined for Wifflepalooza. Shandy is holding it together though and has no problem filling SP1 shoes.
- Mets - Taco/JC is one of most consistent duos in the league and we know this team will probably be favored to win Wifflepalooza. Taco/JC in a 3 game playoff series is not something a #1 seed wants to see.
- Reds - Another Eagan Central team with tough attendance as Handsome Mat has yet to play this season. I assume he’ll debut Monday versus the Vibes and lead them to a win. Seuss and Handsome Mat are a great pitching duo but again, if Mat is not present, this Reds team is likely Wifflepalooza bound.
- Blue Wahoos - Just a solid squad. Not much to say. Just the most B- team in the league. Going to need to see a breakout from at least a player or two in order to do anything in the playoffs.
- Yankees - Mini Money baby. The breakout is happening before our eyes. Feels good knowing the Yankees future is in good hands. Lil Mahomes and Mini Money will lead this team to the promised land. Lil Mahomes already has Sticky Paw locked up too. Mini Money can you clip this and include it in your next Twitter video?
- Americans - The record is lacking, but I still trust this team as a dark horse World Series pick. On paper they have everything they need to win Eagan, but not sure it will translate in key moments. Hal’s jeans have him top the fashion leaderboard. Eagan also now has the nicest player in the league (Knooty) so that is good for us. Nightmare, can you rank teams based on how nice they are? Maybe an idea for you.
- Hops - Old Yeller was probably the most valuable free agent signing of the offseason for any team in the league. They’ve got off to a slow start but I expect them to push the Yankees for the division. I feel like Hops/Kards/Manatees always have worst luck at Wifflepalooza. I just have memories of this franchise playing on the windiest, tallest grass, saggiest fence fields and losing in some heartbreaking fashion every year.
- Millers - Stache and Bliss Jr are a wonderful combo and Stache is a perennial MVP sleeper. Tough draw to play Aces/Biscuits back to back weeks amidst some of the craziest weather we’ve seen lately. They’ll pick it up though, this is a consistent bunch.
- Mariners - Keeks back in town baby. You graduated yet? Mariners are probably ranked too low here and I’m too lazy to change the rankings. Enjoy your season boys, not like you are going to win the division or anything. I think that’s good for the team morale though. Just vibe and chill out until Wifflepalooza. Conserve some energy. Put Keeks and Squirrel on an IP restriction. Keeks can beat any team in the league on any given night so definitely a threat here.
- Braves - Feels weird not being in the Braves division this year. I’m sure Sanchez misses us. Just checked your team stats and not at all surprised to see 16 HR from Mitch and 12 from Sanchez already, combined with a .405 team batting average. I think this team can also push the Yankees in the division if the pitching holds up or they can lure every opponent into a lob ball match.
- Rumble Ponies - The Rubberducks are no longer a franchise, so I gotta be honest, I just wanted to start some new beef to keep you motivated. I was going to forget to rank you as a joke but then thought it would actually be meaner to rank you at a ridiculously low position that might be somewhat believable. See you on June 26th you frauds (I will be out of town)
- Tortugas - Just phenomenal good vibes to see Joel back in the league and also not surprised to see him batting .412. Former MNWA legend O’Bannion’s 42.00 BB/6 also not surprising, but I know he’ll get the stuff under control and find his pitching groove again.
- Tourists - I predict this will be Nightmare’s next team. Imagine a Face/Nightmare duo. Think about it! Daddy is having a down year so far but he is personally coached (and pays for, I saw the receipts) by Aaron Judge’s hitting coach so we’ll see him turn it around soon too. Coil, tilt!
- Trash Pandas - Losing Noah J/Tatis hurts this squad but I think his loss will be made up by some more growth by the current core. Get this team a pitcher! Please Lord! In your name Jesus we pray, Amen!
- Twins - I fear a K-Mart gem tomorrow against the Vibes. It happened a couple seasons ago and I just have a bad feeling again. K-Mart also has the best fantasy baseball team out of all the HRLers in our league. I was going to offer you a deal for Jackson Merrill but felt it was a disrespectful lowball offer so I held back. I hear Fish Hook is desperate to trade away Devers, I assume you’ve already got a couple offers from him?
- Athletics - Wyatt is back in town for the summer along with his boys. These kids just get it. Good vibes, not super loud, know how to chill. Shirls is a wonderful father and chaperone, but I don’t think these kids need much chaperoning for how vibey they are. I’m excited to be their teammate in 5 seasons. Wyatt is also a true pioneer bringing wiffleball to the Iowa State campus, something Catnip couldn’t figure out in his 4 years there.
- Marlins - Yep, I forget about the Marlins and they are probably ranked too low as well. Haven’t spotted Buck at the rinks yet but looking forward to that reunion. Same with T-Mac (go Warriors). They currently lead in their division and ya know crazier things have happened…there is a chance they somehow pull off a division title. Americans are about as wild card of a team as there is in the league.
- Rattlers - Played against this crew in a rainy sloppy game. I’m a fan. D-Flate had some good stuff and movement on his pitches, he’ll find the zone. Tin Mat should actually be nicknamed Tit Man like we thought we originally heard.
- Lugnuts - I guess Franklin is just blue balling us. I know he’s probably reading this. Miss you friend. You’re welcome back anytime. I feel like you are Batman, watching us from a distance, protecting us. You either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain. Maybe you are just our hero. The legend of Franklin. Is there another chapter to the book? That’s up to you. I’ll help you write it if you come back though. Maybe you can come back with a mustache and just take on a new nickname and we can retire Franklin. Or maybe Act I just ended and Franklin will be back for Act II? If we’re suggesting nicknames though I think your new nickname should be Julio Jone or Michael Penix Jr.
- Chihuahuas - Ok sorry guys, I actually forgot you. Took me like 20 minutes to find which team I forgot. You’re a great team but I think AJizz needs to decide right now whether he is committed to the grind or not. You can’t be a radio star and a wiffleball all-star. Choose one. Great haircut btw.
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